A check in: and feeling the feelings {Susan}

It’s Tuesday morning here, just gone 6am, it’s 0 degrees outside. There are 3 members of my family sleeping soundly in their beds, and one awake (sniffling and miserable with a cold) next to me on the couch watching Peter Rabbit. Can you guess which one?

I wanted to check in on you, yes you, and you, and see how you are? Really, are you going ok? And not the “I’m fine” (squeaky voice through tears like you may see from this video a few weeks back).

Narrator: THINGS WERE NOT FINE

Truly how are you?

Because I am feeling a bit shit, have been for weeks now and I guess like anything I write on the blog, or put up on social media that gets a ME TOO! response, it might seem that we always say we are fine when we’re actually not really at all.

And you know what? We are allowed to feel tired, or cranky or happy and joyful, they are all valid feelings. I know that often when we know we might not ought to feel sad, or resentful or any of those “not so great” things because we have this or that and know we are “lucky” that we don’t give ourselves permission to feel them. We know Susan might point out that we are “lucky to even have tears to cry you ungrateful person” so we do a squeaky voice “I’m fine!” But are we fine? Probably not.

So tell me, how are you?

I’m only just ok. A solid 5 or 6 out of 10. It was reminded this time last year I wrote this blog post giving prompts about I am…I had a read of this time last year and tried to do all the answers again this year, and I didn’t like what I saw. They were all a bit negative, and not me, so I put them away and decided not to share them. Perhaps you’d like to have a try yourself and see…it certainly doesn’t look like Harper’s wonderful version. And despite having Rob home and lots of great things going on, and small moments of real happiness every single day that I continue to share on Instagram or the blog, I can’t shake this solid 5 feeling. For seconds, maybe minutes sometimes a little longer, every day.

Work has been tricky, as in there is none. For a freelancer, this can be quite a tricky business. Cash flow when running your own business is a bastard, any work you may do goes into the hands of bigger businesses to pay and their terms (which can be whenever they feel like and usually 30-60-90+ days). All the while bills and expenses continue to rise. There’s BAS and tax and a constant feeling of never being able to get ahead. Credit cards get relied on for this software subscription, this blog hosting fee, that “whatever” it may be, so that when you do get paid and try to pay those expenses back, you are always a little behind from where you started.

There’s the constant hustle for work, for justifying your worth and fees in a highly competitive space where maybe everyone works for free now because sure as shit no one wants to pay you for it. Collaborate sure, but not pay. No matter your experience, or ability to create great stuff, the next agency has taken over a brand and it’s like these people are the first people to ever work with a brand before, it’s back to the beginning all over again. No matter that some of your biggest blog posts ever that literally tens of thousands of people STILL look at week in, week out, even though it’s 5 years old were for a brand doesn’t matter because there are Insta stories now! That are live for a whole 24 hours! The world has gone mad.

For someone that has been working in this space professionally for well over 5 years and writing my blog for 12 years next month, it’s hard. I feel lost and disilliusioned and worthless in this space – so I can’t imagine how hard it is for others when I still get the occasional bone thrown my way. I’m working harder and for less than I ever did before. Imagine if you worked in an office and this was the case? With each passing year, less pay, bosses (that change every 2-3 months) that demand more and are younger and younger each year, that don’t value experience or knowledge. A recent frustration with someone I was working with who made me feel THIS small (it’s not very big in case you were wondering Susan) gave me this lightbulb moment: when I started writing this blog, she was likely in primary school. 11 years old! Daisy’s age! Shit hey. I am just some old angry lady when I am not even that old! Definitely angry though!

I don’t want to become an invisible person in this industry. I still have things to contribute, I am 40 for gods sake! And there are so many wonderful women (and men) who read this who are the smart and intelligent and have things to offer too. Why do marketers forsake us? The ones making all the financial decisions, doing ALL the things, why do we get forgotten? Man it shits me.

Maybe I am just tired. Maybe I am still coming down from the high of my London trip that I worked so hard to get across the line and am SO proud of, being over. Having to creatively think of the next move,  hustling work and saying “Yes I can tap dance now! Do you need me to tap dance?” SHIT BETH LEARN TO TAP DANCE as I google frantically “how to tap dance”. Maybe I am jaded. Maybe I am just hungry, who knows? At least I can acknowledge the feelings Susan, I am feeling them. If you can’t feel them, wallow in them, BE in them than how on earth can you work out ways to move on from them?

Wallow I say! Take a big sniff and swirl them around in your mouth and then spit them out and move on.

I think there’s all kind of things in the universe at play right now. A new moon maybe? The winter solstice. The fact it’s cold and the days are short so often my best intentions to get something done start to fade away by about 2pm when I know it’s school pick up time and shit I haven’t worked out how to tap dance yet! I know that for me personally, my value and worth is very much built into financially contributing and having my own money to save and do stuff. When I don’t have that, it makes me feel less, it’s stupid I know, but again Susan, FEELINGS. Maybe it’s just a plain old career crisis that would happen if I was in a big organisation, itchy feet or looking for something to put some fire in my belly because I’m not sure that tap dancing is really something I am good at? Maybe I just need to get back into exercise and out of my own head for a while, but it’s COLD in the morning Susan, so cold and there’s good sourdough on my bench and butter in my fridge.

So that’s me. 26th June 2018 check in.

I am ok.
I wonder what will happen with work. Every day.
I hear shitty YouTube videos that Maggie watches of children playing with toys.
I see changes that need to be made.
I want to feel better about everything.
I pretend to be FINE!
I feel a bit shite.
I touch my husbands back when he hugs me and know I am loved.
I worry too much.
I cry when asked to colloborate.
I understand that this season will pass.
I say what I am thinking.
I try every single day.
I hope that someone gets something from this.
I am Beth, almost 41, blogging for almost 12 years, disillusioned, tired, wannabe tap dancer.

So tell me, because I am listening and interested…
How are you really?
I hope someone tells you are doing a good job, because I know you are. I’m sure of it!
We all are, every day.

And one other thing…
HOW IS IT JULY THIS WEEK SO HELP ME SUSAN?!

Comments

  1. Liss Ramsden says:

    I feel you on the collaboration front – I have worked as an event stylist for over 8 years and have recently make the break and started my own business. The amount of times I get hit up to “collaborate” instead of being paid for jobs is ridiculous. In the age of the instagram influencer I am sick to death of corporations thinking that the “exposure” I’ll get for the time, effort and money I put into something is enough for payment. Feeling the feels!!

  2. tambuck says:

    I’m pretty shit actually… I’m stressed which has lead to anxiety… which is new for me, and I don’t like it.
    My 12yo recently minted high schooler is becoming a person I don’t know, and I don’t know what to do about it….
    I need to go to Sydney next month…. but really should be paying more bills… the money never goes far enough…
    Nearly every member of my family is having a really hard time…. and I’m struggling to be there for them… because I’m shit…
    My closest friends have recently decided to dog me to hang out with some other people who apparently don’t like me…. feels like I’m in highschool…
    I’ve put on so much weight…
    I don’t want to get out of bed…
    Sorry, Beth, you asked. But thanks for doing so 🖤

    • Valerie says:

      Tambuck, you are not alone. Anxiety is debilitating and sounds like you have a lot of stress in your life. Would it help to speak to a professional? You can get a mental health plan for your GP and the sessions are subsidised through Medicare.

      Winter is always hard but after darkness there is light.

    • Oh I am sorry to hear all this. Hope you are OK xx

  3. Having an especially tough week so this was timely and helpful.
    I’m sorry about the work for you – I know I have bought many things based on your recommendations so I hope it get better soon!

  4. I cried at work yesterday and couldn’t work out if I was sad, tired, exhausted or just didn’t want to be at work. This isn’t great as I am a psychologist… It’s cold, kids are crazy, husband is sick, house is half renovated, money is tight, and my 2 year old won’t sleep.
    If it helps I ♥ your blog, it’s the only one I read and since I have 3.8 seconds of free time a day, am very discerning.

    • Jacqueline says:

      Megan your reply to Beth made me smile. Can sorelate to the 3.8 seconds of free time and Beth the raw honesty of your post is a tonic for the soul. One foot in front of the other is how I approach life these days and most times surprisingly that’s good enough.

    • Ha! Thanks Megan, hope things a little brighter for you too soon x

  5. I am shite
    One child just turned 18 and now thinks she is entitled to live the life she thinks we do — and wants me to fund it
    Twins are 16 and one thinks I am the reason he is not doing so well at school. Man does that hurt. It’s my fault that he has brains, that all he does is check his Instagram and utube. My fault he doesn’t talk in words just grunts. My fault we are interested and want a life for him that he needs not worry about things. Oh. Does that hurt.
    Went to bed crying about said boy and have woken up with not only anger – but a headache that I am sure will turn into a migraine. Shite!
    I am – however grateful for the small things. That only 2 out of 3 kids are making my life difficult
    That my husband gets it in his own way – not the mums way of course! That we have our health when others around us don’t.
    So today I am going to put on my big girls pants. Have a giant cup of coffee. Drive to work and stick a big smile on my face and pretend – because a smile looks better than a frown.

    • I’m hearing you. Teenagers. My 17yo is making me go grey. She’s having such a tough time, and nothing I say or do can help. She has two months wait for a psychiatrist and 3 months wait for a psychologist. Where does that leave her? And us? She’s angry, scared, unhappy. And we are frightened and out of our depth. Tomorrow is another day. Next week is another week. But I feel like I’m treading water, and wishing my life away.

      So hugs to you. I feel your pain. X

    • Oh Helen, hope that things get a little better for you soon. It’s TOUGH. Sounds like you do an amazing job for everyone, and that you have a great attitude. Good luck! x

  6. Susie Morrissey says:

    Darling Beth, one of your best young lady…. believe me this too will pass… it’s all of the things and more … and it’s all of the feels… IT IS NORMAL …. and you do so much good every day out here in every day world. Believe me…. look here…..
    I am one of the Susan’s, I am 71 years old, still cannot tap dance and have been through more shit than most people go through in a lifetime AND I still remember what it is like to be sitting exactly where you are today, thinking and feeling EVERYTHING….. AND I am still here! Older, sadder hopefully wiser, but still here and look forward to reading and listening to all the posts from all of you beautiful young things. You do good Beth, you do so much good out here, it really makes my day reading one of your fabulous blog post or quick instas, I look forward to the next one all the time. Thank you so much from this Susan and please give Maggie a big hug from me 💕💕💕 love Susie M.

  7. I’m a 41 year old single mum to a spunky 6 year old boy. I live in a tiny little village in regional NSW so I can live close to my parents to help with raising my son. I hate it. Im a city girl through and through- I lived in Newtown and worked in music for over 18 years so the culture shock is real.

    I’ve had to retrain and now work in social work and I try and feel relevant but the soul crushing despair I feel looking at the kids I work with and know that if they don’t leave this place they will have very limited options in life, well, it’s hard to be optimistic.

    I miss my friends, my support network and the dating scene here- eeeek! No thanks!
    I have tried so hard to meld into this lifestyle, to make new friends and give the ‘country life’ a chance but it’s so freaking hard, harder than it should be.

    I’m usually so optimistic, solutions oriented but not at the moment. Thanks for the space to vent and acknowledge that I’m sad Beth. Onwards and upwards! 😏

    • Oh Jane, I’m sorry you are feeling like this. Hope you can start to make some changes to feeling better and getting through the culture shock. Shit hey? I’m glad you got to vent at least 🙁 xxx

  8. Belinda says:

    Hi Beth, I don’t normally comment, but today I felt compelled to. I love your honesty, I always have, but today I want to say thank you. It’s ok not to be ok, and being so raw and honest about this is so helpful to you and other readers who may be going through a rough patch, like me. I’m not ok. Today I should be landing in Athens for a long awaited Greek Island holiday with my husband and 3 teenage sons. But instead, we are home. One of my beautiful, sensitive, caring and intelligent boys is struggling with depression. It came from nowhere, like a raging river it picked him up and hurled him to a deep and dark place. It has been a painful and scary time for him and us also. As a mum I have heard things no mother wants to hear, and for the first time ever I have not been able to ‘make things better’. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, as he is getting a little better each day. I am so grateful for where we live and for the amazing care that he is receiving. However, we (society) need to talk more about mental health so that people affected (and their families) can openly and honestly get the professional and personal support they need. Your post has allowed me for the first time to publicly talk about this and it feels good to do so. So, thank you Beth for opeining the door to this conversation x

    • That’s really tough Belinda but glad you can see light at the end of the tunnel .. hope the Greece trip is merely postponed and when you do get to go it willl be all the sweeter after putting these tough times behind you x

    • We’ve been in your shoes Belinda and it is so hard. Mum’s want to fix things for their children and depression is one we cant fix. We can only walk alongside them and keep them safe until the counselling or medication or whatever helps can start doing its job and the illness reduces. Take care of yourself, its so important. You can only look after others if you look after you.

    • Oh Belinda, my heart breaks for you, I can’t imagine the helplessness of seeing one of your kids go through this. Lots of love to you. hope that he gets the support he needs and can move through this. That Greek Island will be all the more sweeter when you get there. Good luck and lots of love x

  9. For all the young marketers out there, there is an older wiser Executive. Don’t compromise your brand, stay true to yourself. Companies need to listen – us grown adults we don’t read magazines anymore, we find our people, people who are similar to us, people who would be our friends in real life and we listen to them. I often see things that I like and I think ‘wonder if BabyMac has used one of these’ (I’m an avid follower). Jesus it was only last week I reached out to you to ask you for some advice about a trip that you had experience on. The thing is, I know I’m getting an honest review with you that your opinion isn’t compromised. Marketing companies hear that. We value the blogger. Hang in there, refocus, write a cook book, with a mix in table scaping etc. can’t get a book deal, do an electronic version yourself. You are real Beth, that is what your readers love about you. And you bring awareness to us all, uncensored. This won’t pay your bills but you should know that because of you, I’ve changed my life, I changed my job many years ago, which then led me to believing if I can do it once I can do it again, so I did, I’ve built a home because I had the guts to change my job (because of you), I booked a trip overseas for two months for my whole family because I see how valuable it is through you, your blog has changed lives, I’m sure I’m not alone. Reach further than Australia. Work for companies overseas that are trying to break through here. Love ya loads, now I just wish I could move to the country 😂

  10. Winter end of term and coming back from a trip to the relentlessness of mum life maybe?! I have found this age/stage of being a mum a bit challenging – around 41 I felt really unsure of my usefulness. Ridiculous really! Focus on the small stuff and things I loved helped me redirect and regroup. Feel the feels, I really believe it is important for the kids to see that it’s not all glitter and sparkles. We have just done some pj days with lots of movies and baking. Works wonders.

  11. Emma de Smet says:

    You’ve got the post 40th Blues – and yes I know it was not yesterday but something goes awry/ maybe for the best in our female minds bodies. Hormones, tiredness of keeping everything going for soooo long, fatigue of FOMO thanks to our social media worlds where everyone looks like they’ve got their stuff together. I’ve been there and best thing I’m out of it now. It took a wild year of really bad health but despite giving me obstacles and forcing me to shut down physically it was a while until I had my Oprah moment. A ha. Don’t despair listen to those gripes, annoyances, depressed thoughts etc write them down ( which you do in your wonderful blog ) then most excitingly write your wish list – anything even if it’s silly – when you feel like it and for me this is my biggest tip – none of this has to be done in a strict fashion but when you feel like it – it’s not a chore. Look at your list and if it’s really something that makes you smile feel joy keep it. Parts that seem ludicrous and definitely beyond reach put a circle around – look at it again in time and check whether it is really ludicrous or possibly achievable ( remember you did go to the Royal Wedding ). Sometimes doing this gives us a jolt and puts us back on our course or makes as change directions to where you should be going. Most importantly look at your health and yes I know eat cake life’s too short but so is feeling yuck. Can you make some changes with your sugar intake, caffeine & the biggie alcohol. It doesn’t mean not having any but can one day less make a difference…. for me once I got the messages loud and clear and clued in to what everyone and everything was saying. I started making changes, little tip toes at first, then some strides and then a few sprints ( not literally I hate jogging – see that’s a big change for years I’d wish for the ability to do a fun run but really I didn’t want to got caught up in what I felt I should be doing etc. ) As a consequence my ill health and laziness moodiness meant I put on a whopping 20 kilos in one year. Geez but thankfully I found some help ( Weight Watchers ) and currently have lost 14 with 7-8 to go. For me that was an easy change I could make and now to be back in my old clothes, healthy weight range, better eating habits plus all the mental stuff I was forced to deal with in my meetings I feel great. After years of looking after my family friends and community I finally went and got a job and I’m spending a lot of that on me for a short time 😜. I’m different but same same and you’ll get there. I think you should write some books you’ve got a great talent to engage us all – it’s why we keep coming back. I’ve recently got on insta to keep track of my teens but as you said it’s like this new world where instant gratification is at your finger tips, nothing lasts and you can’t find history anymore. Such a shame as there’s nothing like finding an old book in a box and re reading it same with articles etc. there you go – books back in the topic. I think the message for you is to use this time to ponder feel miserable, open yourself up to it all and the go conquer our literary world !! Much love Xx

    • Such great advice here Emma – thank you SO much for taking the time out to share it with me. I will definitely give this all a go. THANK YOU x

  12. I feel you Beth. I am lucky to be pushing a 5 at the moment. My ex-husband’s (with whom our 18 year old son lives) poor mental health has taken centre stage. Again. He is in hospital after a suicide attempt & there are now three (myself, son & 12 yr dd) squeezed into a 2 bedroom unit. The days are short, I have to be nice to people at work, parent/teacher interviews are tomorrow & I’m not going (just can’t face the negative comments), I am recovering from a headcold which I have passed on to the 12 year old who is now going to be absent from school. I feel pissed-off, sad, guilty & exhausted. Today. Tomorrow will be better. As you said, it is a season. This too will pass. Take care.

  13. Hi Beth, I just wanted to pop in and say that I hear you and to say please don’t let others convince you to learn to tap dance – your dance is wonderful and unique and so much more fun than everyone else’ tap dancing.

    The sun will shine again, and as you say; in the meanwhile, feel the feels, eat the bread and hug the people you love most! Sx

  14. Goodness, this is a timely post and pretty much sums up me right now too. Nothing terrible happening but just a bad case of the blahs – bit of winter blues, sick of the one-step-forwards-two-step-backwards situation with money, feeling like I’m living from one washing load to the next and life is passing me by a bit, then feeling guilty because I know I’m really very lucky. I suspect I need to give myself a kick up the bum, get moving and look for the happiness in each day. It will be good to read the comments to your post and listen to what others have to say. Thank god for the sisterhood!

  15. If I could only read one blog or follow one person on Insta it would be you because amoung the gorgeous photos, funny insta stories, yummy recipes, the fashion, the interiors, the kids book recommendations, the travel etc etc you are real. Thank you.

  16. Well this isn’t about me but my sister. Her and her husband have had to relocate to Emerald last year for work reasons. She has been working at the local school as a teachers aide (with qualifications) but the hours were almost non existent so decided to apply for the job at local news agency. She has worked as Store Manager in a newsagent in earlier years. Had the interview, and was told by the owner, a woman who was older than my sister, that her age was a problem! She is 55 years old with lots of work experience! One look from my sister made her change her wording to ummm, not your age, but the fact you have been out of the industry for so long. I hope they employ a junior who only comes to work when they feel like it! Nobody seems to want to employ older women yet we are the ones who want to go to work. Chin up Beth, things will get better, I promise. Xxxx

    • Thanks Jan, bloody hell that’s tough on your sister. Don’t they know women in their 50’s are the best to employ! Dependable. Can do ALL the things. We could change the world!! x

  17. So glad it’s not just me! With a husband who has depression and is suicidal, 2 kids, part time job that doesn’t cover our expenses (that’s me in that boring office job I hate!) & 2 court cases from lovely entitled Sydney clients on 6 figure salaries – I’m hanging on by my fingernails. It’s shit. Keep writing Beth – you make a difference in my day! xo

    • Hi
      I have read your comment so many times and I really wanted to say something but I didn’t know what.
      I’m so sorry that you are going through all of this. It’s awful and even though I don’t know you, I know you don’t deserve this. I honestly hope things get better for you soon xx

    • Oh my love – good luck. Thinking of you and all you are dealing with, shit hey? xxx

  18. Reannon says:

    I am a five too Beth. I’m a five for lots of reasons. I’ve not loved my role as a mum for months now. And yes SUSAN, I know I’m lucky to have 4 healthy kids but that does not mean that it is not hard or draining or unfun or a real headfuck some (most!) days. My little two fight & scream so damn much & no matter what tactics I try their bullshit drives me to breaking point. And oh my god those god damn YouTube videos! I’ve actually blocked one of those channels because that kids voice was making me nuts. Teenagers are glorious but man oh man do they take up your headspace. My eldest finally moved home & I can’t tell you how complete I feel having him home but it’s still a long road ahead to get him back on track. Is that really my job? Maybe not but as his mum I’ll always feel like I have a role to play in ensuring my kids live their best life.
    And then there’s the job search…..I am literally applying for 2-3 jobs per week and hearing NOTHING back. My self esteem, self belief & headspace is taking a beating. I need a job for many reasons because I need mental stimulation & a new focus that isn’t my family but mainly we need the money. Life is no fun when you are stressed about finances. And yes Susan I know I’ve been lucky to stay home with my family for so long & have a nice home to live in & have food in my kitchen but we are not getting anywhere! I cannot get a foot in any door. It’s SO disheartening. I’m studying to broaden my range but that means fuck all to anyone. At this rate I’ll end up applying for the new Woolworths that’s being built in my area & even then I probably won’t get a look in. Taking these last 5 years off work has been necessary for my family but it has well & truly been no good for my work prospects.
    And finally there is the feeling of just feeling off kilter. I’m quick to anger. I’m an emotional roller coaster. I have no patience. I dream of time away from the monotony of my days, away from the all the things! It’s a crappy feeling but like you I have real love & joy in my days too so it’s not all bad right?
    I’ve heard for the next few months we’ll have supermoons & apparently they can really mess you around. I’m blaming that, supermoins or maybe I’m peri menopausal?
    Thanks for listening & sharing Beth. These kinda things are always better out than in right xx

  19. Hi Beth. Just thank you thank you thank you for your honesty. This post (and the tears!) really resonates. That squeaky “fine” and blinking back tears when asked how you are is so familiar to m right now. We are allowed to have all the feelings….it’s a tough gig sometimes. Trying to balance family and work, trying to live up to some story about how we think it all should be and never feeling we are enough. We definitely all need to be kinder to ourselves (easier said than done I know!). It feels so good to have these honest conversations. It’s so great to know we are never alone. So thanks again….you do such a fabulous job. And my kids love your special Anne chocolate cake so double thanks!!

  20. Michelle says:

    Another one who is just “off” at the moment. I work casually & although I am still getting some work, I want more. There is nothing really wrong, but nothing really right either. I just feel like I am floundering. I have no motivation for anything much, so my house is a bit of a disaster zone at the moment. I have list my mojo for cooking so we are just existing on bits of meals I throw together when I can be bothered. As I look out my window this morning, the weather is bleak – it’s misty & drizzlely & bleak & just blah. I miss the sunshine. I miss feeling the warmth on my skin. I just want to snap out of it & I will but it is important to acknowledge it. And I feel better that I am not the only one with a case of the blahs.

  21. Kellie Collett says:

    Definitely agree that this is one of your best and pure honesty.

    Can you be the blogger that takes a risk and has a paid subscription? Specialist content for those that are prepared to pay? Incentives like a code to get a % off when shopping at companies you collaborate with only for paid subscribers? More of your lovely lunches and get togethers or retreats/Sydney weekends that paid subscribers can attend but you can make money from. I know many that would pay. You are worth it. It could just constitute a regular income.

    Sending some love xx

    • These are good suggestions, and I was going to reply with similar. The long lunches were so popular, is there a way to do it where set up costs are lower for you so you can make a profit? Charge us the same ticket price. A spring outdoor picnic (blankets, sandwiches, salads)? An afternoon tea (or just scones a plenty)? Heck, just do a talk, a demo on how to hang up washing and fold a fitted sheet – a few date loaves and Anne’s for sale in the background. You’d clean up. I for one for pay good money for all of that!

    • Thanks Kellie – definitely need to get back into organising some lunches. Food for thought here – appreciate it!

  22. Emma (ohhbabybaby) says:

    I’m shit too.

    I broke up with a narcissistic ‘best friend’ who hurt me dearly, didn’t care and is now doing her best to shit talk me to anyone who will listen. (I’m 36… to old for this shit. She is 40) Her child, who was friends with my 3 girls, now turns her nose up when she sees my children at school. She is spreading her lies through our school community and there is nothing I can do about it. People are going to think I’m an arsehole and I can’t stop it. I can’t control what she says or what people believe and it’s all lies. To make it all feel worse, her sister in law is a teacher at the school. It keeps me awake at night so I’m tired and it’s just fucking fucked. The sad part is, she actually has me questioning myself. Maybe it is me. Maybe I am an arsehole. Maybe if I was a good friend I would have been able to tolerate her passive aggressive comments and her lies. Maybe. It’s. Me.

    Beth, I truly hope the fog lifts for you soon. Your blog means so much to me and so many others and it’s like having a little lifeline with a virtual friend. I think we all see so much of ourselves and our struggles and happinesses in you and can really really relate. It’s hard. I look forward to sitting down at the end of the day and liking all the posts I’ve missed (stalker style) and reading your blog. It’s a little ray of sunshine in an often very shit day so thank you. All the best.

    • It’s not you. You’re not an arsehole. Some women never grow out of the mean girl thing.

      Its. Not. You.

      xx

    • Oh Emma I have been here before – it’s ALL consuming. Just know if you haven’y done anything wrong, hold your head high and carry on, it’s ALL about them and not you. People (that matter) will see that for themselves and time will make things better. Good luck xx

  23. Hi Beth, you may know me from a series of short videos I made for your previous agency which could have been titled “A Reader’s Ode to BabyMac” – they are maybe a bit cringy but I hope you got to see them as they were completely unscripted and from the heart – you do a fabulous job for us readers as well as for the brands you have worked with. You have a very loyal following and a dip in the cycle may well be just that – or even the impetus for you to use this time to indulge your creative side even more. Your audience is still well and truly here!

  24. Beth, this feels like similar sentiments I am hearing from mums with young children over and over again lately – me included. That there is SO much to juggle, and work seems like that final straw that will break the camel’s back, and it’s possibly the one you have most control over, so you start wondering how you can change it for the better. I’m taking a year of leave without pay next year so I can have a breather & re-evaluate. I know I’m going to miss the money and self-worth that it brings terribly in the meantime though. Thanks for your honesty – it’s one of the things that keeps me reading – and know that you are not alone. Hugs x

  25. I keep eyeing off the guys in Bunnings and thinking if this all falls over surely I could stack shelves and find stuff for people. I spend nearly as much time there are Woolies these days. I love writing my stories up so I’ll never stop that, but you gotta put food on the table. Good people, if you love what Beth does please make sure you click on her sponsored stuff and read it and don’t complain about the fact it’s there. It’s a two minute ‘thank you’ to her for all she shares and the laughs, and that’s what will pay the bills and let her continue to do what you love.

  26. In tears watching your video Beth. Every Mother feels this sometimes. I love your honesty and how real you are. I love your stories and blog. I am going through a divorce, just sold our family home, raising two young daughters alone, studying a masters and working as much as possible to now support my girls and provide us our next home. Banking applications, legal documents, housing documents, applying for more work, I am packing boxes, had my back go last week and today my car has broken down. Juggling the girls dance lessons and music lessons. Feeling like I am not ever seeing my friends! Sometimes it just feels that life is too much to take. All I know is that you have to keep going and try to find a way forward. Everyone is entitled to feel and express how they feel. I love this about you. Sending hugs xxx

  27. I’m not fine. I feel much like this and I do have a job that requires an uniform and everything, so I sometimes think it is actually a reflection of society today… do more for less and get told but increasingly younger people….

    However, you are amazing. You get up each day, and you keep going, never underestimate the value in that. You wre awesome.

  28. I just wanted to say that I love you and I love your blog and you make a difference to my life. A positive one. All the time. X

  29. Dude, tap dancing is so passe!
    Next week they’ll be demanding the macarena so just keep being your wonderful, witty, cynical self.
    I’m well acquainted with the cash flow problems of self employment (and the down feeling after an awesome trip while we’re at it)
    Thinking of you,
    A x

  30. I feel you!
    I had a fall yesterday whilst my 5 month old was in my baby carrier, she’s ok because I broke the fall with my right arm which is now broken by my elbow. And a sprained ankle! Was feeling sad and sorry for myself yesterday but today is better- it could’ve been a whole lot worse that’s for sure! My family has rallied around me to help with my baby and 3 year old…thank goodness for my beautiful mother in law dealing with my demanding girls while I rest up. You’re doing a great job Beth, I love reading your blog! Eat the bread, I definitely am! xx

  31. I have only just found your blog and I love it x. I work for myself (from home) and it is hard! Also, everyone thinks because you are at home you have all the free/leisure time in the world. I can’t imagine also being freelance on top of it and the cash flow issues that causes for your domestic finances.
    P.S. I loved your honest video x x

  32. Today I was anxiety ridden.
    I had dropped the kids at school. I was on my way into the City to the NGV. On. My. Own. First time in TWELVE LONG YEARS. On the way, I went to see my 84 year old Mum who was in a tizz about having done something to her computer (or machine as she refers to it). I was getting mad, I don’t have time for this crap – this is MY day. I skipped off only to get on the tram and realise my Myki card had expired and I’d left my phone at Mum’s which also had my ticket for the gallery. Fury. Red hot. Back to Mums and 2 hours later, at the gallery. Now I’ve had a lovely few hours and I’m thinking of my Mum who is exhausted because she is sad that her sister in law, who was her childhood friend and convinced her parents to let her date my Dad, passed away. In Canada. She hadn’t seen her for 30 years. She just never had the guts/time/money. So today more than ever I am telling myself I refuse to run myself down anymore. Life is short. At 84, I am certain her sadness is that there just hasn’t been enough time. Savour all it has on offer. I’ve got two kids with special needs, I tell you, in my world, it’s easy to despair. I’m 49 next week and I’m going to enjoy every second.

  33. feel ya with a. blogging and b. cash flow. oy,

  34. I can notice the strain blogging is under in a few blogs I read but honestly not yours, I love it and understand how hard you must work to keep it running (and your house always so tidy!). I personally would jump at the chance to buy a cookbook by you as I look up your recipes at least once a week.

    I’m sure also there are ways to diversify when you get your mojo back. For sure you have the talent and work ethic to make it in this changing landscape.

    I am also sitting around a 6. I know I have so much to be grateful for, but also in a new country with few friends, no family, shit weather and not enough hours in the day to do all the washing/cleaning/cooking that three kids requires (seriously I would love tips for managing laundry!) – I think it is winter and the solstice. The short days and lack of sun forcing us all to look inwards, reassess and re-emerge after the winter. Best of luck with it x

    • Thanks Zoe – I definitely think there is something in the air rather than just being me – so many of us feeling this way x

  35. Lisa Aherne says:

    I am going through a bit at the moment, but am coping. What I want to say to you Beth, is that what you do has an effect on me every day! I read your blog, I see your Insta stories and photos, and I think about what you have to say and I enjoy being a part of your life. Or rather having you as a part of mine. You make a difference. ❤️❤️

  36. Oh Beth, sounds like a pretty shit time for you right now.
    I’ve been pondering the whole gratitude and privilege thing lately, Susan has a lot to answer for. All feelings are valid and you can express them however you like and whenever you need to. I hope you are soon feeling better and everything starts looking rosy again.
    Reading through all the comments it seems to me that women (and men) really need the chance to just get together and vent all this stuff to each other. Maybe it’s a sign of the ridiculous times that we live in, that we just aren’t able to stop hustling long enough to support each other.
    My kids are older, only 1 left at home now and my wheels have really fallen off. I just can’t be bothered at all, I feel broken and burnt out.
    Cheers Kate

    • Oh Kate, I so know this is going to be down the track…what will I do when I have no one to do everything for. We can’t win! Hope you are OK and know that you are definitely NOT alone x

  37. This resonates so strongly with me right now. Some day I’ll write a book about our last few year’s (that no one will pay real money for, lol) , but for now I’m just hanging in, trusting it will get better. Sending you great big hugs hoping you’ll be feeling better very soon xx

  38. This is me… well, it’s actually your life, Beth. But I can completely relate. Except my kids are 18, 20 and 22. Only Zac, the cat, is interested in Peter Rabbit . And his interest is waning as he’s a senile gereatric.
    I absolutely understand what you’re going through. You are an amazingly talented, smart and funny human. These days will pass. (Yesterday, Zac vomited on my favourite rug. I laid beside the rug and I cried for hours about my failed career, my ill health, lack of cooking and parenting skills and much more. After I stopped crying and slapped myself, I said ‘it’s only a rug’
    Today is better. I hope tomorrow will be better for you too.

    • And to you too Lisa – you are doing a great job. Look at all the positives instead of those negatives and what ifs…here’s to better and better and better days x

  39. Have a listen to Tim Ferris’ recent podcast with Brandon Stanton of Humans of New York. He talks about the struggle of getting that up and going. You night relate!

  40. Oh Beth! I feel you!

    It’s all the things but honestly winter doesn’t help! But the days are getting longer from here and you are smart and creative and innovative and your next move will become clear very soon I’m sure. Nothing stays still in this industry very long and you’ve always managed to evolve so that’s not going to change anytime soon xxx

  41. You aren’t alone.
    I’m honestly exhausted.
    I feel like I have nothing left to give but stuff just keeps taking…
    Something in the air?

  42. Rochelle says:

    Beth. It’s like you just jumped into my head and said all the things I have thought. As a proud recipient of tap dancing lessons in my youth the only thing it taught me was to continue on regardless of the audience reaction because some people really hate to watch and hear tap. It’s quite devisive!
    I really can’t thank you enough for your posts….it’s like a check in for me to see that a ‘real’ person exists online. Stay true to what makes people follow your blog. Those people would love to see you dance, but only to your own theme song xx

  43. Yep, I’m feeling the feelings. My Dad died from a very short battle with Cancer 18 months ago and 6 months ago my mum decided she doesn’t want me in her life (very long story but she’s got mental health issues she refuses to address). I’m feeling sad, angry and alone. My husband lost his job so in addition to feeling sad, angry and alone I’m also highly stressed about our finances. I’m now the sole bread winner for our family and quite frankly it’s a responsibility I feel that I really can’t handle at the moment. I miss being able to spend more time with my kids and I miss being able to have a conversation with my husband that doesn’t end in a fight about money. So yes, it’s all a bit shit here too. In a world full of glossy pictures of people with perfect lives it’s good to know I’m not the only one struggling at the moment. Thanks for the opportunity to vent!

  44. I am ….
    So tired, so impatient, so overwhelmed, so guilty.
    Have a job that I can’t keep up with in part time hours and have kids that keep needing more as they get older, inc ASD teen boy. All solo as ex decided things were too hard and ran off with carefree girlfriend.

  45. I’m with ya Beth. Im 41 and Dr says everything feels a lot harder at this age because of peri menopause!! This causes fatigue, anxiety, weight gain, depression, rage etc! And we are still getting periods as well. WTF? Personally I’m finding this very difficult. Almost feels like loosing confidence in ones self. Questioning my job, my worth, almost every aspect of my life but like you, SUSAN would say “Why are you complaining? Your life if fine!!” well SUSAN we know that and still feel like shit. Wonderful chemist ladies have given me the herbal remedy they are ALL taking and it helps. Contact me if you want the name. I love your blog and I see you Beth xx

  46. All the feels. Owwwa I’ve just turned 60 and irrelevant feels like my middle name. You however are talented and sassy and innovative and I hope (and I’m pretty sure) you can regroup and pivot because that’s what it takes in this crazy blogging/freelance world of 2018.

  47. I want to give every single one of you a big squeezy hug. When we share our probs we also share the love ❤ hang in!

  48. Sonia South says:

    Yep have been feeling shit for a while now- major reno=constant fighting with builder and husband, more debt and it has taken a toll. As women we tend to keep going to man the fort but in the end it takes a toll on our well being. Like you I am finding this weather hard to exercise but I know that is the one thing (apart from wine of course) that keeps me sane. Keep writing Beth because that is what you do best and you make a huge impact on your readers. As I always say to my boys, “just smile and wave boys, smile and wave” but thank you Beth for letting us all express our feelings. Stay strong. xx

  49. Oh gosh Beth. This post is perfect!
    I love that you said it’s ok to feel like this. Feel the feelings, wallow in them. Everyone always just wants you to be ok. And when they ask you – do they even want to hear your answer?

    I have just been through major abdominal surgery, that went fairly wrong. I have been trying to recover with a 2 year old. And all the while the reason I had the surgery is so I can hopefully go through MORE IVF to get pregnant again. It’s a bit of a lonely feeling place. And yes I am ok – but I wish I felt more than that. Thank you for posting this and saying it’s ok to feel this way xxx

    • It sure is Katie, everyone can feel this way now and then. Good luck with the next stage of IVF – fingers crossed for you x

  50. Wow how did you know exactly how I am feeling?! I actually wrote a post very similar this week, but then decided against publishing it as I feared coming across too negative. Maybe now I will have the courage to hit publish … nothing wrong with keeping it real.

  51. Oh Beth. It’s clear from the outpouring of comments here from people in a similar boat to you, me & Susan, that what you’ve said is SO DAMN TRUE!

    We all have our shit to cope with, but I’m so grateful to you for actually saying it!! I’m sick & tired of seeing everyone’s “social media best life” all of the time, thus why I’ve unfollowed so many people. But not you. You keep it real & I genuinely get a thrill out of taking 3 minutes each night before I go to bed to see what you’ve been up to on your Insta story for that particular day.

    I know that this doesn’t turn into $$$ for you & your family, but I just wanted you to know that you do add a lot to my day. I love your honesty & as a 48 y.o. mother of 3 (one moved out, 2 still at home) who has more disposable income now to spend on “stuff” if I so choose, I say a giant F-you to the marketers who forget about us. It’s easy to be made to feel invisible as we age, sadly.

    You and I work in very different industries, but we both own our own businesses. I’m often worried until the very end of every month that I’ll make enough $ to pay staff/rent/bills etc & I work in an extremely competitive environment, but my business has been open for 2 years, is making a small profit & I don’t ever feel like it’s hard for me to go to work. I love it. 12 years in the ever-changing blogging world is MASSIVE, so I hope you give yourself a massive pat on the back that you’re still here, still very relevant & it’s something that you still love.

    Keep smiling. Hopefully your 5 will turn into a 7 or 8 over the next few days & I hope that your costumes turned out beautifully. 🙂

  52. Oh Beth, I just wanted to give you a big hug and make you sit down with a cuppa while we made space outfits together. Having a good cry and talking about it is good therapy!
    I broke my ankle a month ago and am hobbling around in a boot with crutches. Everything I used to complain about having to do now takes at least twice as long. I now value being able to do all those odd jobs and racing around, coz even though it was often energy zapping it was a walk in the park compared with doing it on crutches. Lol.
    I hope things on the work front begin to look up. My hubby has his own business and it certainly is a rollercoaster. Trying to talk businesses into investing their time, money and staff with us is quite a task. Hang in there.
    Thank you for being so open. xo

    • And thank you for your lovely comment! Love the universe teaching us lessons like that with your foot – no time to complain now! Hope you are on the mend soon x

  53. Barbara Thompson says:

    Hi Beth I don’t think you realise how strong and resilient you are. You are a blogger, business person, wife and mother dealing with the most difficult and rewarding job there is. Raising a family. All of these things leave you with very little time for yourself.

    I have been reading all the comments that have been posted here and think how wonderful it is that you have given a forum for others to vent their sadness and frustration amid the realisation that they are not alone.

    As I am in my later years I have only recently discovered your blog. I am captivated by your sense of humour and your openness and wait for each blog.

    • Thank you so much Barbara – I completely agree with you and love that this platform has made us all feel a little less alone. It’s TOUGH. And we are all fumbling through, doing our best x

  54. I’m pissed off with the world I exist in too. After being burnt by undiluted acid, the kind that eats through your skin, because the backyard Ford Dealership I worked at wouldn’t spent the money and didn’t have the brains to follow THE LAW instructed staff to leave the triggers out of spray bottles. Why?

    CAUSE OMG UNDILUTED ACID ATE THROUGH THE PLASTIC TRIGGERS!! GO FIGURE MORONS??!!

    Because spending time in the burns unit due to a chemical that can cause you to go into Cardiac arrest, the backyard industry body is repressing the Ford morons claiming to dispute the injury!!!

    I wanna throat punch the world atm. Saving your pathetic job at a half arsed Ford Dealership is NOT more important than not killing people with corrosive chemicals.

    And I have the flu, which is nothing after having a necrotising acid eating through every layer of my skin and muscle just so some idiot could save exactly $1!

    Whinging complete, I actually feel better after that 👍

    • Oh Ella I am sorry to hear about your nightmare! Hope things are a nit better soon and I am glad you felt a little better after the whinge…sounds like you deserve to whinge as much as you like! x

  55. Terri-Anne says:

    Beth, I have spent many years feeling exactly like you did yesterday. I felt that way most days, for years … when my (3) children were really young … not that they are that old now ie they are now primary school. I also remember feeling this weird mix of resentment that I was not in control of my situation and guilt for not being grateful for all the wonderful things that I did have in my life ie a roof over my head and food on the table. What I discovered, is that when I got through that rough time, it made me sooooo much stronger and resilient and clearer about how I was going to pull stuff off. I had to learn a whole bunch of lessons and new approaches, that I never would have learned unless I went through that difficult time. I had to take everything one day at a time to get through it. (I am still doing this by the way) Just like Sadness said in “Inside Out”, life is full of all the different feelings ie sometimes you have to feel the sadness before joy can arrive. Beth, you’re an amazing woman, so funny and such do-er. I can’t wait to see what fantastic things are waiting for you on the other side of this funk.

  56. Beck Berger says:

    I’m still feeling pretty shit ! It’s 8 months since our horrific accident. 8 months ! and although I still have a ways to go to a full recovery I have had to go back to work to help bring in the $$$ I have only been able to find a casual position with shit hours but I keep telling myself that every little bit counts. The accident wiped us out financially, and although it is in the hands of lawyers it could be 5 years before we see anything. On top of that my youngest son is now living in Brisbane for Uni and that’s also costing us a fortune.
    I am ever so grateful that my husband son and I are still alive but shit it’s been a hard 8 months.

    Sorry 😐

  57. Hermione says:

    Beth, your blog and social media are my favs. I love your stories and recipes and I buy the things you promote because you make them look and sound awesome – because they are. I’m sorry more brands and businesses don’t understand that. Life is bloody hard, especially after you turn 40 and things start to unravel. For me it’s been one life crisis after another and I’m sick of it, but I keep on keeping on because what else is there to do? Your words and photos help make the dark days a little brighter Beth. I hope the wonderful comments here have helped you feel a bit better because you deserve it.

  58. Catherine says:

    Thank you for sharing Beth. So good to read all the comments and know you’re/we’re not alone.
    I was thinking it might be nice if readers shared where they live in case one or more readers are from the same town/city. Reading about people moving to new areas, losing friends or just generally feeling shit made me think they could benefit from some new friendships. Even if the only thing they have in common is your blog! Just a thought.
    Also, have you read The Barefoot Investor? I know finance books are boring but this is a game changer. Even when money is tight/barely existant it’s helpful. Things will turn around for you I’m sure of it. ♡
    PS cook book is a top idea! If publisher doesn’t agree we could sign a petition to say we want it!

  59. Oh Beth, that persistent 5/10 feeling is utter rubbish. I have been deep down in that feeling too many times. I am sincerely sorry you are experiencing it now. But thank you for reminding your readers that no one has all their ducks in a row all of the time. Your ‘realness’ has garnered you a loyal community, even if you are not seeing the financial benefits of that right now. Please don’t devalue your contribution, life moves in seasons and sometimes we just need to ride the ebbs.
    By the way, you’ve shared a really nice portrait of yourself with this post. I know you don’t feel it, but your eyes look to be filled with sparkle… I honestly mean that, for what it’s worth.

  60. I think this planet has started spinning just that little bit faster and we’re all trying to keep up! How is it nearly July already? We’re collectively exhausted and this cold winter isn’t helping is it? The good thing is that spring and summer are just around the corner. And we must all scrap the word irrelevant from our dictionary, without us the world will stop spinning altogether, simple as that! Gold stars all around!

  61. Beth, the photo you have shared is gorgeous, even though you are only feeling about a 5. And maybe this is a time when you just need to rest. The universe will always give you what you need, when you need it. And perhaps this post and all the comments will give you clarity on what to do next. I absolutely love the idea of you bringing out a cookbook. But more than just a cookbook, a book on entertaining, including table settings, with pictures and recipes and hosting. Because no-one does it better than you. No-one. I work full time, and the best part of my day is lunch time (because: food), but also because I log on to your blog. Search recipes, read comments, and just generally catch up. Because you share so much of yourself, I feel like you are a friend, even though it is just in cyberspace. I hope things turn around for you soon and you are back to feeling your sparkly best.

  62. Hi Beth,

    I love your blog and read it on a weekly basis. I love reading about Maggie and your life in the country.

    When I was in hospital suffering from crippling anxiety and depression your blog and my toddler were my rays of sun.
    I also know what it’s like to be at a 5 or a 6 and that those numbers feel like a good day because some days are a 2 or a 3.

    I hope it helps you if I share something with you. A wise psychiatrist told me that most people actually operate at a 5 on a daily basis. And I was like: “What?! I used to be a 8 or a 9 every day!” But then he said to me: “Yes, but have you been 31 before?”

    Anyway, my point is that sometimes 5 or 6 is perfectly OK too. It’s winter, it’s cold, we all want comfort food which makes us feel blah. There’s endless gas and heating bills. It’s not great. But you’re not alone.

  63. Elise Schaefer says:

    I worked until I had our 3 children, then became a stay at home mum. Also have helped my husband run a business from home (he thinks it’s all him, but I have and still make a large contribution)
    My greatest achievement has been raising 3 fabulous children who are all now raising their own families. Some may think – I didnt have a ‘career’ but it’s been a wonderful life looking after my husband and children, a life I wouldn’t swap for anything. I now have a cleaning job 1 day a week – not for the money just something I do for me. Strange I chose cleaning haha I have office skills but hate office work. Beth never feel your not enough if your not earning money at the moment, I’m sure you husband like mine never thinks that way. Xx

  64. Narelle says:

    Hi Beth, sending you a big hug! Feel the feelings, embrace them & lots of self care.
    It’s time to write your book! Write it assuming you already have a publisher, write it from your heart & soul just like this blog post.
    You, me & everyone are enough just as we are no matter what we do or don’t do nor how much we contribute financially!! I know deep down you already know this.
    Write the book, we all want to read it. Xxx

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  1. […] Last week was also a week where I told myself it would be the last time I’d call a certain company that got me to do work for them back in December last year and hadn’t paid my invoice. I finally had the manager ring me (after leaving a curt message with the receptionist. Yet again.) and I received a partial payment at the end of last week and an apology. I’m hoping the rest of the money will come, without my persistence. It’s so frustrating when invoices go unpaid and I have to chase money. And yet, it seems it’s becoming more prevalent in both the construction and freelance writing industries. […]

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