43, term 4, 2020: a touch of the overwhelms

How are you going friends? Been meaning to check in, and then life gets in the way, but this morning I wanted to carve some time out to talk with you, check in, see how you’re going etc etc.

I discovered this wonderful industrial designer and illustrator Felicia Chiao which just speaks to me right now.

It’s been a hell of a week slash month slash year hasn’t it been? The US elections taking up so much space in all our minds over the past week, so much anger and devision, and did I mention anger? Social media isn’t much of a place to be through it all is it? I hope that the people of the US can heal and move on soon in any way they can. It’s been a lot you guys, I hope you are doing ok.

Term 4 is always a crazy time if you have kids – even if you don’t things start to ramp up: there’s Christmas to think about, catch ups if we can. I know that the end of this year feels different from many before. That sense of obligation and resignation about catching up has been replaced (well for me at least) a real excitement about being with people. Sharing simple moments and telling people that I/we love them. It feels more important than ever don’t you think? There are exams for kids, end of term reports and work, swimming…there’s lots going on and we have some tired kids on our hands.

Work for me is madness right now. The shop is the busiest it will be (as it should be) and the managing and juggling of stock, new stock, deliveries, Covid delays, over spending…you name it has been whirring by. It’s also a lot. A good a lot as I love what we do so much and I am very passionate about it…but it’s a lot. Running your own business can be very overwhelming and stressful, and while you are growing, it seems impossible to take any time off, ever. I am so proud of what we are achieving though, and so grateful for all our beautiful customers who are shopping with us every single day. I feel so lucky in a time when the economy and so many people have suffered with their work. I’m so excited that Rob has some work booked in the next few weeks – he even has to travel! On a plane! I’m hoping to finally get some work in for the blog too…it’s been very quiet all year. I think I have had 2 paid jobs since about February. It’s been tough.

I haven’t been sleeping well – this strange insomnia that hits me in the middle of the night. A combo of 3am whale where I wake up and think: OH MY GOD ALL OF THE ABOVE and then the ticking over starts. It’s not good. Harper has also been suffering from her tween insomnia which Daisy struggled with when she first hit puberty and those surge of hormones rage through their (not so) little bodies and minds. I still get blown away when I catch a look at Daisy and see how grown up she is. Same with Harper now 11, and just this week when Maggie woke up she looked entirely different and big. How does that happen? When did they get so big?

My mind whirs with strange and vivid anxiety dreams every night. My home filled with people and parties and I am trying to clean up but can’t ever get on top of the mess. My dead father in law visits my dreams so often – not in a great angel comforting way, but he’s just there. And its weird and I feel like there are messages there that I can’t understand or have the code to…what does it mean? Am I missing something? Is it nothing at all? It’s exhausting trying to work out something that might need working out at all.

And then, maybe it’s Mercury in retrograde…is it still? Actually it’s finished. But in all of this big year filled with worries and stress and information overload I keep having all this weird childhood stuff come up. Nothing dramatic don’t worry…just dumb parent divorce stuff. Maybe it’s being the age that my parents were now when they split up. Realising that they were my age, where I am in life now that has me thinking overtime about stuff I haven’t thought about in a looooooong time. No matter the years of trying to not think about stuff, up it pops in my thoughts, in my day to day judgements and observations of people. It’s been so eye opening to see and unpack (dare I use that fucking expression) the layers and see the way that I react, my beliefs and fears are based on stuff from such a long time ago. Then I’m like OH DEAR GOD WHAT WILL MY KIDS THINK OF ME? Is this what mid life crises look like except people just run further away from trying to work it all out because it’s too hard to?

And so on, and so forth.

It’s a lot. I’m feeling lots of things, all of the time while trading water getting stuff done and I know that if I am feeling these things, these feelings, then chances are you are too. Maybe it’s perimenopause, maybe it’s 2020, maybe it’s time to look at myself, who I have been and who I am. Maybe there’s no code at all and like those dreams I can’t figure out, it’s just life and it is what it is.

I do know that I am still able to step back and look around me, out that window at all the goodness and beauty out there. I see the hope in change for the US, for vaccines in this pandemic. I can get excited about catching up with all my family for the first time in way too long. I can accept people’s changes and happiness as their own without my clouded judgement or personal experiences or past pain getting in the way. I can look at my girls are marvel at them and I can reach out for Rob is always there for me, every single day, propping me up and making me laugh. I can accept that things are the way they are, no code, no breakthrough moment, it’s just life, and we are in it. Deeply when we are 43. And in term 4. Of a year of a global pandemic.

I hope you can too.

And I hope you are doing OK too.
How are you?