January the 116th

Anyone else feeling a little like this is what the date should really be? Whether it’s been the endless warm days, the long school term, whatever it is, I have those same January blues and I cannot seem to shake it.

I’m feeling blocked creatively, vulnerable and panicked. Not sleeping at night, my mind playing tricks on me with worry about all those 3am what ifs. I am barrelling down into the future without spending much time in the right now. I’m feeling so many things and I bet I am not alone with it all.

This morning I had a good old cry into Rob’s shoulder, no better place to be for me when I’m feeling like this. Some times there’s nothing else for it is there? I’m not sure why these feelings keep popping up and lurking, perhaps they are not being dealt with properly so I thought a good old fashioned mind dump may help.

The start of the year always brings with it so much opportunity! And hope! And plans! I had SO many plans for the start of the year, projects to work on and exciting plans for work. I had one of these big things (a book deal!) fall over and it’s just taken the wind completely out of my sails. I need to acknowledge what a big and exciting (and surprising to me IMPORTANT) thing this was for me, and that I am allowed to feel a bit sad that it didn’t happen. Of course there are exciting things ahead (hello Royal wedding in a few weeks time) but work has been slow and as a freelancer with no steady income coming in (for both Rob and I who work in tis field), panic and all the WHAT IFs have been slowing me down creatively, mentally, whatever, it’s just not happening.

There’s the toddler I spend all my time with, the endless jobs around the house and 2 big kids, trying to hustle for work, all of it, and here we are at the 26th April, when it still feels like January, when there’s still time to get your shit together, you know?

I have lots of friends and speak with lots of people and I know that for so many of them, and others that times are tough right now. Life costs so much money, and it’s bloody hard work just trying to get ahead. For me, I feel like I am constantly chasing my tail, never really getting ahead. I know so many others feel like this too. And it’s important for you to see that even though it may look like I have it all together, I so don’t.

I’m not sure how to move past this, of course I know I will, but feeling stuck is such a shit feeling isn’t it?

Whenever I am in flow with work or personally, everything just moves forward. You start on projects and the more you do, the more seems to come in, it just flows. But when you are stuck, man can you get stuck. The negative self talk starts, and despite picking yourself up and starting again, well it gets harder and harder.

I don’t know whether I need a bloody vision board, my chakras realigned or to bloody burning sage all over myself, but I am feeling entirely, completely and mentally STUCK in January.

Which is no place to be when it’s almost May.

I’d love to know if anyone else out there is feeling this?
I’m pretty sure there would be because SOMEONE SOMEWHERE is inevitably feeling the same.
What’s your best tips for moving forward, mentally when you get stuck?
Will it happen when it finally cools down?
Do I need to get my chakras realigned?
Or perhaps just a good root?
Help!

Illustration by Manjit Thapp 

Comments

  1. Sorry you are feel this way Beth. Certainly feeling the same, as business has slowed here and we have had to diversify, get savvy and very smart.
    I think we get stuck because we can’t do the things we want to do, and feel restricted. However when we list the things we can do, things that get pushed to the way-side because we are too busy chasing the bigger things we realise there is a lot that can be done. Work things, Things around the house, or the little things that actually add up to big things.
    Just Keep Swimming Beth

  2. Alicia Mackay says:

    I agree entirely. Negativity breeds! And flip the bird at whoever cancelled your book deal – big mistake ( insert Julia Roberts here) Book a night away and have a dirty romp with your hubby – like a real one. A couple of years of toddlerhood and we all lose the feeling of being just a woman. Start there and then move on from it – a sexy romp, a new pair of fuck you shoes or an outfit, a coffee and a pastry without kids and maybe blow the dust of some old tunes that used to fire you up. It’s a start at least. Slumps are the worst!

  3. I’m really sorry to hear you are feeling this way and life is a bit shit for you right now. I have no idea of the freelance world so can’t help there at all.
    Maybe Alicia is right though, a complete 24hr break, change of scene and routine could be just the kick start you need. It will pass, just hang in there until it does.
    I want to thank you so much for writing this post, I’m terrible at looking at bloggers and Insta peeps like you and thinking you are so amazing and together and winning at everything, a post like this reminds me you are real and your life is real too. It makes me like you even more.
    I hope you have a great time at the wedding and things start flowing for very soon
    Cheers Kate.

  4. Beth, sorry to hear about the book deal but I reckon something better will come along. I’ve worked from home for the past 15 years so I know about the battle of work, house stuff, social stuff, kids, school and all the blurred lines. My 2 cents worth – book that kid into preschool so you can at least dedicate those hours to paid work (not housework). You’ve mentioned that task enough times in your blog. Don’t overthink it JFDI. Love ya work. Chin up.

  5. When I get like this, the only thing that shakes the negative thoughts is doing something totally different. It’s a pain the arse cos you’re tired and low and not bovvered about anything other than a cup of tea and a nap, but it works!

    As other’s have said, go away for a night, change your routine, heck even move some furniture around or dye your hair a crazy colour. Something to snap out of the downward spiral and get the spark back. Make that your new project and report back to us!

    And poo on the cancelled book deal – I would have bought a copy! Heck, I’ll buy whatever you’ve got so far. Print out some A4 copies and send them this way, I need something great to read! xxx

  6. And Beth, please don’t feel like you have to keep it together for us. One of the reasons we love you is because you keep it real! We got you, fam.

    Thanks for this post.

  7. oh love, life is a bloody headfuck/shitfight/utter rubbish sometimes isn’t it?! I’m sorry your book deal fell through, I would have loved to have read it. Maybe you could go the Constance hall way & self publish if it’s something that really meant a lot to you?
    I too am at a standstill of sorts. I am slogging away at Tafe & my work placement but in the meantime I am applying for job after job after job because like you said, life is $$$ & I’d love to make some kind of contribution to our family finances but I’d also really love to have something for myself outside the house. It’s not happening & I feel utterly disheartened by it. Yesterday I was being a bitch to myself & saying ” you will never be able to do these jobs you want, nobody will hire you, just go back to your old job & shut up about it!” I am no good at cheering myself on some days & having these types of things out of my control. So instead I look to the things I can control & for me that means looking after my mind, body, spirit. Nothing drastic, just things I know are good for me but I don’t seem to be able to do on a regular, consistent basis, stuff like, just using my phone as a phone nothing else, reading a book over mindlessly scrolling, getting back into my garden, trying to get some decent sleep, moving my body in some way, eating more healthy shit instead of the ( delicious) unhealthy shit. For some reason as soon as I put these kind of boundaries in place I instantly feel better. I’m weird like that.
    I hope the fog lifts soon. And yeah, a good romp in bed always does wonders so maybe try that too xx

  8. Hugs! I’m glad you shared your feelings. I’m sorry to hear about the book deal. That sucks. It has been a funny start to the year. I hear you – everyone I talk to feels like it’s just so hard to get into the groove of 2018. I have a 3 month old to distract me and feed my soul and keep me very present (even when I’d rather duck out and have a sleep haha) so it probably weirdly helps me not to dwell on things too badly, but I think about how it’s almost term 2 of the school year and how did this happen, nobody is ready.

  9. Kate Potts says:

    Well just so you know – we all think you are freakin awesome! Other than Rob & kids, do you have some one that inspires you and always puts a smile on your face? Perhaps spend more time with happy vivacious people? I always find that shit starts to get better in my head after a good cry and writing some things down with a bit of a plan moving forward.
    I always find myself having a laugh or being inspired by a few people on insta, such as Chyka, mother of daughters and of course, yourself! Thanks for keeping it real, fun, positive and relatable. Don’t be too hard on yourself. 🍸✨🌷

  10. Lots of great advice from the others ! Thank you for being so honest and sharing with us ! That is such a real strength of yours . Maybe do a vision board that shows all the great stuff you have done so far in 2018 and then add the goals you are still striving for this year ? I can totally see a book deal happening for you – look for a new publisher !

  11. A good root’s always a good place to start! 😀

    I’m not feeling stuck in January so much as holy shit it’s the end of April ALREADY??? Where has the year gone? It’ll be bloody Christmas before I know it and I will have achieved jack shit.

  12. Oh I feel you babe. Feeling much the same. Bleugh (which just auto corrected to Baluga – apt). And just generally Over. All. Of. The. Things. And. All. Of. The. People.

    A good root will do the trick but can you even be BOVVERED? It’s just so cold to get your kit off isn’t it?? Mind you, send the girls away for the weekend to Grandmas, get the fire going and a few cheeky reds and in you go right there in front of the flames. You’re welcome Rob XXX

  13. A good root is excellent for clearing chakras as orgasm releases negativity. Even if it’s all bullshit, a little intimate reconnection with your significant other and time out in pleasurable pursuit couldn’t possibly do you harm and assist with a more positive mindset directly after. Life just ebbs and flows and enjoy the journey, try not to focus on destination, you’ll get there soon enough xx

  14. Danielle says:

    Thank you for sharing…. I am feeling so crappy, anxious and can’t turn my mind off at night! I am not exercising, eating anything and everything, drinking like a sailor….. let alone stressing about money after a fab holiday. I know what I need to do…. exercise, eat well, lay off the wine during the week, calm down on the spending. The problem is knowing what to do and doing it are not the same! Thanks for the vent…it is good to know I am not the only one in a funk!

  15. Do it anyway. How wonderful!! ‘Build the field and they will come’ How many times did K R Rowling get knocked back??

    I still have quite a few things on my joblist that have been there since January (for a couple of years to be honest) but then I look at some of the ones I have ticked off and I think yeah ok…

  16. I hate the thought that you are getting passed over for this new wave of “influencers” whose whole online presence was created with the purpose of making money. They may have hundreds of thousands of followers but I don’t trust a thing they say because they’ll spruik anything for the right money. Are you listening, brands?

    No real words of wisdom here sorry, devo that the book deal fell over as I would buy that in a heartbeat, just remember that you have real engaged readers. I know that doesn’t necessarily put food on the table but just keep doing what you do. You do it really well xx

  17. I have no advice just know that we all care and want the best for you.
    Much love to you xx

  18. Vote #1 root here! If anything it’d be a distraction.

    I want a Baby Mac book and I will not stop until I get it. I am so spewing it fell through! That’s a maaaaassive missed opportunity on their behalf. I will not let this rest.

    you know I feel v. similarly to you at this point, so I’ve got no further helpful advice, just hanging here in the gross dumb doldrums with ya x

  19. Sam Leader says:

    Hi Beth, Looks to me like a good ol’ fashioned midlife crisis in the making. I had one when my youngest was about Maggie’s age, when I was 42. For me, it was bound in with the shifting of identity back to self from motherhood. Tried to shag my way out of it. Maybe helped a bit, but not The Answer. A skin needs to be shed and pushing out of the chrysalis hurts like buggery. I agree with all who’ve said, write the damn book if you want to, but also, don’t if you don’t. Perhaps you just need some unproductive downtime to put the wind back in your sails. The only way around is through. Good luck.

  20. I’m so sorry that your book deal fell through – that’s utterly shit. I would LOVE to own a Baby Mac book, so whoever walked away made a Pretty Woman sized mistake – HUGE!

    Be GOOD to yourself Beth – get out that camera just for the pleasure of it, draw with the girls, lock yourself in the bathroom and enjoy a long, hot soak, go outside and LOOK UP AT THE STARS – you can have a bit of a primal yell while you’re out there, or kick a pile of leaves.

    It sounds TRITE I know, but try a different kind of creating – something you may think you’re a bit shit at, but can do just for giggles. Crayons, watercolours, crochet… just to engage that part of your brain. I’m not even joking, a few minutes doing something artistic can clear a head fog.

    We all have these shit seasons, doesn’t mean they don’t suck every time though.

    Hope you get your groove back soon!

    You Are ENOUGH.

  21. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ll have more headspace when school goes back and yes, time for Maggie to go to kindy. I know that sounds like a tough call but she will LOVE it and you will benefit too.

  22. Oh, I’ve felt stuck for about a decade… the negative self talk is on a loop. But if I can get outside and get my hands or my wellies in dirt/mud then I can just forget about the negativity in my head for a little while. Dirt therapy is the best thing i’ve found. Go buy hundreds of daffodil and tulip bulbs and get them in your garden!
    Other than that, the only thing I can say is the mantra I have to tell myself each morning. “All you can do is the NEXT thing, that’s all that needs to be done, so just do that.” Then the next, then the next… it keeps me moving forward with bite sized, manageable, intentions.
    I am very sorry about the book deal, you are so within your ‘rights’ to feel what you need to feel. You don’t need anyones permission for that though.

  23. sorry you are feeling like this beth!
    a bit of burn out? expectations a little high? too much control freaking?
    it may be a mid life crises!
    you do amazing stuff beth! and manage to hold it all together!
    breathe and try to listen to your intuition!
    much love mx

  24. Katie clews says:

    So sorry to hear the book deal fell through .. I’d love to own a BabyMac book and I reckon it will happen !!! Love who you are and your blog… can’t offer any advice except for chin up and good things are on their way xxx

  25. I recently heard someone suggest there’s a connection to these sort of feelings and the loss of ‘seasons’ as we know them. As someone who is really connected to weather and environment etc, as I know you are too, it makes a lot of sense. It makes particular sense this year where the natural flow of summer to autumn just hasn’t happened. As an added bonus we run a small garden maintenance business, which means this has directly and negatively impacted that also.
    Nothing good can come of a year without Autumn. So fingers crossed we get a good enough dose of it to recharge.

    • I think this is SO true Kylie. My poor brother in law who is a gardener has been working 7 days forever. When will it slow down?! Good luck x

  26. Hey Beth I know this comment is wayyyyy outdated (I found this post from a big post you just did cause I’m going back over all the ones I have missed – that is a huge change I reckon online – it’s getting very bloody difficult to see things you want to see on Facebook now!) and I didn’t know you had a book deal fall over. I was only purchasing books at Xmas and saw Reece Witherspoon’s book and I literally thought ‘Oh this would be a good book for Baby Mac with an Aussie spin!’ I would certainly read and buy your book. Bloody jerks

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