Not a little bit married, but very married

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Saturday morning Rob and I were doing what we normally do. No, not having sex like we might have on Saturday mornings in times of yore, we were walking down to the kitchen wiping the sleep from our eyes, carrying the baby and getting to that coffee machine to switch it on. It had been a shit of a week, actually weeks, where we were really pushed to our limits as parents and partners. Stress, worry, sickness, over tiredness and a full moon meant that things hadn’t been all that pretty round these parts. And needless to say I was looking very un-pretty. Hair akimbo, breasts flopping down, nightie on, robe on, grey skin and dark circles under my eyes.

We got started on our normal routine, he checked his phone while the coffee machine warmed up, I started to unpack the dishwasher from the night before, while we got at least 3 minutes out of Maggie playing on the floor without either falling over or losing interest.

I was unpacking the dishy when I commented to him, with much concern, that the dishwasher tabs didn’t seem to be dissolving properly. He didn’t listen of course, because: MEANINGLESS CHATTER ABOUT DISHWASHERS but it stopped me in my tracks. It may just be the most married thing I had ever said to him. 11 years married next month and 13 years together, and it’s come down to the dishwasher tablets.

I stopped myself and said “It’s OK Rob, if you need to leave me. I mean you deserve better than this. Dishwasher tablets. It’s a new low.”

And then I proceeded to create a new life for him, with a new partner, with intricate detail about their new lives and how he will be happy, and should at least occasionally put out for him. And never discuss the effectiveness of the Finish tablets. She’ll have that over me.

And we laughed. Until we cried in fact. All while the coffee machine warmed up and the dishwasher got unpacked.

Married life huh? From the passion and obsession of each other to these Saturday mornings and everything in between. From lover to partner and friend, it’s quite the journey isn’t it? While everything comes in ebbs and flows, we might definitely be in an ebb right now, but I sure know we will flow again, and until then, we will make each other laugh until we cry and be stupid and silly. And if not, there’s always his imaginary partner I created for him called Caryn with a C who lives in Kangaroo Valley. At least she won’t talk about dishwashers. At the start at least.

We spend our time together exhausted and elated when the girls are finally asleep. We sit and watch American Idol on the couch and pat the dog and laugh and laugh when the contestants say they are exhausted. We know too much about bad reality TV. We spend a lot of time together (as we are both lucky enough to work from home), and while I’m sure we both drive each other crazy at the end of the day, he’s got my back, and I’ve got his. I mean shit, we’re completely outnumbered now by our offspring, we need to.

So what’s the most married thing you have said to your partner lately?
Take a look at your text messages with them and see how exciting life has become. We message about coffee and lunch. That’s pretty much it.
Do you ever create alternate partners for your partner with details so intricate that you could only be seen as completely crackers?
Disturbed when your dishwasher tablets don’t dissolve properly? Me too.

And Rob, thank you for being there for me every single day. You make me laugh and I love you deeply and ferociously even more than I love a clean house with appliances that work correctly. So that’s a whole lot. And thank you for convincing me last night that I don’t have haemorrhoids. Your google search was very reassuring x

Comments

  1. I’m glad you added that it was a google search regarding the hemorrhoids and not another type of search LMAO

  2. @fairview_farmhouse says:

    The dog escaping under the fence, the traffic being ridiculous on the commute home from Melbourne to the surfcoast and chickens escaping into the house paddock and said dog chasing them.
    Bloody toddler Labrador…he is more trouble than the kids ?

  3. Love this post. Cracks me right up. My most married in the suburbs moment happened on the first or second morning of Auskick. Cold winters Sat morning in Melb. Standing in the mud at footy. Baby on my hip. Friend who is single and childless called. On her way to the airport. Flying to f’ing Europe. I felt like such a wife in the suburbs right at that moment.

  4. Well mine is the washing machine. A few weeks before Christmas it started to beep and have a flashing light. I try everything I can to no avail. Tell Wayne there is a problem. Mmm my washing queen brain is set for a tanty as I’m sure Wayne thinks the cloths magically appear back all clean… The repair man arrives and yes there is a blackout and nothing can be done. Fast forward to today – I call again – repair guy will be here tomorrow – I’ll be at work. Perfect. I love my man with all my heart but he’s not fazed that a snake came out of under the machine or a giant blue tongue I thought was a huge snake came out from under the machine… The washing queen will sort it! We are coming up to 7 years together….. And best of everything to each other!

  5. Hey Baby Mac Even though I’m no longer married I had a somewhat similar moment the other day. Watching my son play basketball for school and sitting with one of the dads, the conversation behind us was about towels and whether they would dry in ‘this’ weather. Now I know you are keen on a good drying session on the clothesline but I did turn to my friend and exclaim “So that is where my life is now????!!!!!!” But, having lost two close friends last year, I thought to myself at least I am lucky to be here!!!!

  6. “Booked us all in for chiro – don’t double book.” That’s sexting here these days with a 2 year old and 11 week old. ?

  7. Dentists, electricians, my boss and our children’s poo. Life is glamorous!

  8. Hi Beth,
    Sounds all too familiar.
    These days, mine texts me with “can I make an appointment?” … “it’s been ages!” Please note, he is dealing with a pre-menopausal wench.
    I respond with a rolled eyes emoji.
    After 27 years together, grown kids, he texts to book a nookie. Foreplay. As good as it gets.
    I respond with “is it your birthday already?” and a cheeky tongue poke emoji.
    Life’s good … really it is ?

  9. My last text message to my husband was “You are a (insert rooster emoji)
    i.e Cock

    Married 23 years this November. 3 children, 21, 15,11. The 21 Year old just moved out, so we’re catching glimpses of what home life will be once they all move out. Scary…

    We make each other laugh everyday. The secret to a good marriage, in my opinion.

  10. Put your damn dirty dish in the dishwasher and not the sink!!! then as he dropped me off to work this morning I said – we should have sex tonight if we can be bothered in this heat lol!

  11. My hubs will leave me and the kids for a 19 year old Russian called Svetlana. It’s all arranged. I just have one stipulation. That the kids never call her Mum!!!! We’ve got each other’s backs. ;-p

  12. Yeah we just had a conversation about the nappies that poo leaks from… That was my moment. Thanks for the reminder that sometimes life is crap but we have to stick together! Xo

  13. My hubby text me this morning

    “Forgot to leave a note saying I took her out for wee and poo this morning. Also, I will be on call next week. ”

    That’s as good as it gets. We have just taken on a guide dog puppy and her wee and poo is the hot topic at least 6 times a day.

  14. Beth – I just cried & pee’d myself laughing!! That’s not a normal response to a blog post. 10 years married and 16 years together this year. Everything. EVERYTHING you just said

  15. I love this & it made me laugh. our most married thing that’s been said is ” do you want to come & test the soil with me?” We live a ducking exciting life when we are high fiving over a neutral soil result!!

    We’ve been together 20 years & married for 16 this year & while I do miss our kid free times, I like these times best.

  16. You crack me up! Can just imagine the conversation and location.

    Married stuff from my phone:

    I forgot to alter the Aussie Farmers order x #somarried
    Just got back from moving B … very rustic x
    Any chance you can slip the car under the carport? x
    Can we pleeeese have a drink tonight? x
    Just checking on you and the birds. Air con? x
    Travelling. x

  17. This post came at exactly the right time Beth. We had this exact discussion last week. We used to always call each other gorgeous and spunky in our texts. I went through our texts and realised that it’s been months since we did that!!! In fact, my messages ran out before I could find any evidence of either one of us using these names! Marriage and three children…

  18. Mine was ‘the weather forecast for Sunday is fine’. Making sure we weren’t going to get rained on when we took the kids to the cricket. Sent to him while I was laying on our bed and he was watching a movie in the lounge room. Could be bothered getting up and didn’t want to yell for fear of waking a child ???

  19. Oh, to have a married convo with my hubby, now gone almost 7 years to cancer!
    Enjoy those times girls, because you never know when you can’t have them anymore. And it’s those married conversations that I still miss the most.
    Thank you for sharing your moments and jogging my memory bank.

  20. I was given a light box for Christmas in the office secret Santa, over the holidays it carried great seasonal greetings…now it just says

    milk
    &
    bread

  21. Love this Beth!

    Mr Smags and I bought our first grown up couch on the weekend. It was pretty exxy and we were like ‘Are we really ready to do this?’. We did it and it’s the best thing in the world. I think the couch is our most married moment to date. 🙂

  22. Best thing I’ve seen to sum up marriage was a tweet I saw recently: “Marriage is just texting each other ‘do we need anything from the grocery store’ a bunch of times until one of you dies”.

  23. Ha ha, timing is perfect, I just sent hubby your instagram pic of the Burrawang General Store and said “we are going here”.

  24. I had hubby hobbling around on crutches this week with a bung foot, as I was looking after him, I stepped on a wasp. There we were bung together on the couch, laughing about what old farts we were and all the hot sex we used to have. I wouldn’t change it for anything though, I reckon the love grows deeper. And stronger.

  25. Gosh I’ve been moaning about dishwasher tablets and the fact our machine doesn’t dry the dishes properly anymore! So glad to see we’re all in the same boat. x

  26. That’s just made me cry. We’re all in this shit together really aren’t we?

    Just checked & my last text from hubby was that the pest man is coming on Saturday to spray for spiders. Such a sweet talker 😉

  27. HAHAHA – beware of dishwasher tablets that don’t dissolve. I discovered our weren’t dissolving, because the wrappers weren’t the dissolvable ones – Hubby had bought a different (cheaper) brand!!! No that’s married life – arguing over the lack of real saving by buying the wrong dishwasher tablets 😛

  28. Err I just realised that my last two messages to the husband were (1) from upstairs telling him all about my theories about our dripping upstairs toilet and (2) details of what I’d seen in the change rooms after 2 year old swimming lessons. I might have to marry him off Jayne (with a y) from Geraldton.

  29. I mostly text the Mister short, last minute shopping lists so he can pick up the things I inevitably forget during my actual big grocery shop. The other day, I messaged him to let him know the garage door wouldn’t stay down.
    We’ve had some ups and downs lately, so I actually rejoice when we’re just talking shit about inconsequential things.

  30. Ha, my last two texts from him were thrilling – one was about a bank transfer to our dog minder, and the previous was “When were we in India?” no hugs or anything! Though that did make him realise it was 5 years ago, not a year or two. The kids were 1 and 3 at the time! So, we do say Yes to Adventure it seems! So much mundane drivel comes out of my mouth – I call them my OAP moments – that he still thinks I’m ace is a miracle really!

  31. So True!! Our last text was 2 x pictures of the kids then one from him- “Are you coming home soon- these kids are crazy”- me- “Nope they are all yours for at least an hour! ! “

  32. I enjoyed this so much, Beth!

  33. Catherine says:

    Beth,

    WRITE your book. Seriously. Looooooooooove your writing. You are hilarious.

    I will buy a copy for myself AND one for all my girlfriends.

  34. Thanks for your honest post, I laughed a lot! Reassuring to know others are in the same boat! We laugh about silly made up future scenarios too! The last thing I texted my husband (who was in the next room!): “can you please bring me vegemite toast and panadol?” Yep, so (happily) married!

  35. I hear you Beth and I’m sorry to say that the most married thing I’ve said is when one morning I told Darren that “your worming tablet is on the bench next to your coffee”. I had to worm the whole family because one kid got them…all the romance went not long after that!

  36. Laughed till I cried!!!

  37. I love this post so much. We are 27 years married and still laugh when we say something a little too married. I checked my texts and they weren’t too bad…this morning he texted to say I might enjoy Mike Baird’s post about the Big Issue. I did. Two days ago he texted to ask for a lift (but I was already at the pub…) Then I struck gold…On Saturday he texted to let me know he had found the dog thrower…I responded by reminding him about the washing in the machine. It’s true love.

  38. Last text to husband was a pic of my coffee that the gorgeous young barista made a smiley face in the froth, I wrote “Did your morning coffee come with a face?’ (no answer)
    Last text from husband was the automated “Sorry I can’t talk right now’ (which pissed me off to no end)
    Married 25 + yrs
    Still love him to bits despite above

  39. ‘How did his pooey Nappy look- a good solid poo or a bit sloppy mucusy like?’ Quite a regular question with them being a bit off these past few days.
    Today’s conversation following hubby’s horrendous work day:
    Hubby *in car on long drive home from city*
    Me ‘Sorry honey, he (4 year old upon napping there after kinder) weed all over your (exxy leather) couch and I’m not sure how to treat it?’

  40. You know you’re married when your hubby comes out with “Now, I can ask you this because we are married…” then asks a question about something quite odd. Hurray for being married 🙂
    I have a crap dishwasher! Love a new one. Any suggestions?

  41. I loved this post and Loppy Lou we too have had that exact conversation in this house- along with how badly I stack the dishwasher – all his now ! Not much beats going over your superannuation statements together on a Saturday night together. However, has to be done! Cheers

  42. And from the perspective of thirty years together, it gets better and better. I promise, if you can stick it out til the kids are gone, your best days are ahead still out there. Late sleep-ins; no one needing anything; no one else even living in your home anymore !~! It’s glorious !~! Peaceful, tidy, well-stocked with your fave grub and drinks, clean surfaces and a full fridge. It all awaits you and Rob, Meggie; hang in there.

  43. forgot about always having a stack of clean dry towels at hand too.

    the perks…

  44. “Don’t forget the milk”
    What a cliche! Not very romantic but then again I would probably take the milk (for my coffee) over roses any day.

  45. I’m not married but I think I still am having those conversations. Is that bad or good preparation? This week we have discussed the fact that the air con is not working when we have 38 dregrees and 90% humidity and the fact that the toilet roll holder fell off the wall.

  46. So good to be able to laugh with your partner when you hit those tough times that arise when raising young kids. We are in our fourth week of all night coughing fits from my daughter..’exhausted’ is an understatement!

    Last 3 texts to my husband:
    ‘Did you drink the last cider?’
    ‘Do you want wine?’
    ‘Don’t mention you have chips when you come in, they haven’t finished dinner yet’

    12 years married with 3 kids…grog and hot chips are crucial to our survival ?

  47. Love your posts Beth. Surely there must be a book deal in the pipe line. You are one funny ‘insert naughty slag word here’
    We had quite the married arguement today. Fighting over who got to use the new Dyson first. God I love it though. These moments being very married to him will be some of the best days of our life.

  48. Our text life consists of grocery lists, children’s ailments and other random mishaps that I can’t share with others as they don’t understand my particular level of insanity.

  49. Eeek. My last message to hubby today was ‘Another shit in the knickers’. I assume he knows I was referencing Miss 3.

  50. Jenny Noble says:

    Well, just about to tick off 37 years!! Hard to believe, I’ve known him for 40 years. Hooley dooley, a bit of an interesting ride. Followed him to Thailand in 1979, what a culture shock that was. Brought two beautiful children into the world, had and still have a few challenges with our first born, disability has been an interesting and very rewarding journey, surely a recipe for divorce, but we still recognize the goodness in each other. So still together, after everything!

  51. I shit you not we have worm tablets here too this evening and here is today’s text with my guy…..
    Will attempt to paste a pic – one moment caller….

  52. Can’t do it – will post on FB!

  53. Our married speak via text: ‘what beer do you want’, ‘it’s your parents anniversary’, ‘weather looks ok for weekend’, ‘get milk’. He responds with selfies of him pulling stupid faces or rows of various and irrelevant emojis. We make each other laugh and after 18 years that’s what matters.

  54. When i mnetion dishwasher tablets not dissolving – he checks the filters.
    The most married thing ..HIM .”The washing needs to go on the line”
    Me – “The floor is girty and sandy” speak for when you goign to vac and wash it.
    (He does)
    His text messages to me are only from the kids these days this morning …
    “We’re are you it 7:00” and “Get there food ready ready from Sam”

  55. Today 6:49pm “Went for a jog… Had coleslaw.”

    We haven’t even been married 3 years yet. Is there hope??

  56. You are fantastic and I adore you!
    Coming from a mom of 2 gals (9 and 4) and a 1 year old, firecracker of a boy, in America, AND having been with my hubs for 17 years (married almost 13,) and your posts are SO spot-on! Kids and marriage are truly the great equalizers. Doesn’t matter where you live…..raising little people is insane EVERYWHERE.
    Thinking good thoughts for health and happiness for you and your sweet family!
    PS:Been reading a LONG time….your Kate Middleton stuff from being pregs had me dying laughing….especially in the midst of long, sleepless, nursing nights. So thanks for that!

  57. Lisa Mckenzie says:

    So true Beth we have been married for 31 years this year and usually we text about what a storm is doing,did it damage anything etc,recently we had really bad storms and my sons house got damaged or how is our preggo daughter,or he will ring me and tell me he will be late home because he is getting his hair cut!
    So all normal boring but still loving kindness after all these years and I love when he tells me he doesn’t notice my grey roots Xx

  58. “up at hospital now….there was a funny bobble on Ellie’s femur the dr want us to check out……..let you know. In waiting room…..”

  59. This morning I shouted out: Hey, I found a clean pair of undies!”
    Totally married.

  60. Gosh I love this post and all the comments!
    Hilarious amd kept me entertained my whole commute. My totally married texts from the huz…
    1. Storm hit. Clothes are in.be careful

    2. Can you go out and give him and his Web a spray. This guy is causing trouble now

    3. Don’t over spend before next pay as the credut card is pretty drained.

    That last one is pretty regular 😉

  61. M6*10mm – that was the size of the screws he needed to wall mount the TV. Doesn’t get much better than that, does it?

  62. Ha ha ha ha ha ha….. where do I start… perhaps my favourite quote: “And thank you for convincing me last night that I don’t have haemorrhoids. Your google search was very reassuring x” ha ha ha ha ha – oh yes…. that is what you call married… talking about haemorrhoids…. and for some reason Mr Chardy finds it a little disturbing but he still listens ha ha ha ha. As for the dishwasher tablets, there is nothing worse is there …. when something pokes down and stops that little arm from turning and the tab doesn’t dissolve…. first world problems I know but so annoying. Hang in there pet… xxx

  63. On a side note – my dishwasher tablets are not dissolving properly either! And we only just got a new dishwasher. If you ever find out the cause I would love to know 😉

  64. Oh this post made me laugh. Years ago my hubby and I invented Taniia she likes to work out, not drink and never complains. Still makes us laugh when life is mundane but funny. Thanks for sharing Beth x

  65. Whitney Sigler says:

    Yes, we just celebrated 32 years! We were talking about how the the bathroom shower isn’t working properly. Then about who the new neighbors are, and if they will be “normal” (no one ever stays in that house)! . Oh and the last few text are , pick up coffee,’pick up the granddaughter after work. Ok love ya. ?Your correct about marriage, he’s my best friend.

  66. Jan 30th me and hubs have been married 22 yrs still say love ya still send funny love texts one stop honeymoon that still is going 😉

  67. Fashionista says:

    Catching up on blog reading (procrastinating about doing other family administration stuff!) and this post is VERY funny! Most recent texts:
    Me: everything good at home, do I need to call the security company? (our house alarm had gone off and I was about 5 minutes away)
    Him: No
    Him: Boarded now hopefully see you in a few hours
    Me: Yay xx
    Him: landed
    All romance there.

    Married 29 years this year, we were recently interviewed by a friend doing a research project on long standing marriages for our opinions on how we have stayed married. We actually couldn’t come up with anything definitive, but laughing at stupid things was up there as important.

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