Buying a swimsuit

My mind has been a million miles away the past few days. The cold weather, sick family members, meetings, work and deadlines will do that to a gal. In my mind it’s 29 degrees, the sun is shining, the beer is cold and I haven’t a bloody worry in the world. Shall we head there then? Ok, let’s.

Do you FEEL IT? Me too, me too (said in best Patrick Swayze voice from Dirty Dancing).

So, before I went away I had the very difficult and universally much hated task of purchasing a swimsuit for our summer holiday. In the past I have gone for the rather unconventional method of buying swimmers online. Controversial right? The way I see it is I can be looking at MY mirrors rather than the fluros in a change room that can instantly make a gal feel like shit because really who EVER needs to see what their arse looks like under fluro lights. NO ONE, that’s who. If things don’t work I can always send them back and the whole messy ordeal can be forgotten about. But with time constraints I knew I had to tackle the task HEAD ON. And what better place to do it from then Noooooooooooosa? The resort wear capital of Australia and luckily for me, where I was the week before we headed away!

We had a morning off and so I headed off shopping with a few of the girls and then tried to take myself quietly away to a swimwear shop packed to the brim with just that…swimmers! If there was anywhere I could get something right…this would be it! I walked and quietly looked around with a polite “just browsing” but then of course 10 minutes later I was BFF’s with Sandra, the shop owner, telling her about my trip, my life story and begging for her help. By this stage Mrs Woog was bored and went looking for me, found Sandra and I in the throws of 37 swimsuits so she did what any good friend would do, she sat on the couch and filmed it. Here is just 35 odd seconds of what was about a 45 minute ordeal.

Excuse Kayte’s incorrect holding of the video camera (TURN IT ON THE SIDE ALREADY, I know Rob, I know) this was before we did a iPhone video workshop thingy.


And it was. Made by Brazilian’s for people with arses like those Kardashian lasses. I can only apologise for that. But it serves a purpose! You see, I wouldn’t have tried on all of the swimmers in the shop, especially those that went up my arse Sandra, if it wasn’t FOR Sandra. Online shopping has its place that’s for sure, but there’s no Sandra is there?

I tried on 8 million and in the end got a pair. German of all things! That cost about 3 times what I would normally pay, but they feel FANTASTIC on. The boozies stay in place, they don’t ride. They just go alright. And for an almost 38 year old mother of two, that’s all I can hope for.

Here’s a visual because I really don’t care less about how I look (clearly with hair like that). I’m sure with a cropped shot and a good instagram filter I could have convinced people I was looking hot and tropical! But you get the original version.


And now for the ACTUAL reality. They went alright! They did. I’m looking at myself clearly in AWE of the beauty. I don’t know how it happened either, somehow I’m middle aged.


They were some great swimmers and if I do as Sandra told me, I know that they will last me for years (which is something to be said for some of the others I have purchased over the years that are lucky to make out one summer). THANK YOU SANDRA. For looking at my arse, and back fat and making me try on ALL OF THE THINGS.

My friend and style guru Nikki from Styling You has written about buying swimmers before in some great posts here and here and here and I referred to these over and over again. I also DID buy some online…and it was a WAIT FOR IT…TWO PIECE. I must have had 2 G&T’s by the time I put that order in because believe me, this is not something I would do. Ever. If I didn’t nail the 2 piece when I was hot and twenty then I sure as shit ain’t likely to do it with 2 kids worth of stretch marks all over my guts. But I decided to listen to Nikki and the fact that it was Europe, and hot and really WHO GIVES A SHIT. In my head I figured I would look like this:


In reality I looked like this. And yes, this is ALL YOU ARE GETTING.


You know what I see? HAPPINESS! That’s it! I have my little sister to thank for making me put it on, because really, WHO GIVES A SHIT. It was the best feeling EVER! Diving into the water and feeling free. Thanks Luce for making me do it. And at the end of the social media day, all you are ever going to see from someone is a shot like this:


So ladies/gents/peoples! I say this: Try on ALL OF THE THINGS. Go and find a Sandra. Listen to the experts like Nikki. Take some risks and feel confident and happy because WHO REALLY GIVES A SHIT? And embrace it all now because soon enough…


So tell me…how do you buy your swimmers?
Ever tackled the two piece or perhaps a Euro trunk?
Wishing it was warmer? ME TOO, ME TOO.


  1. I buy online. I have e-f size boobs and hate shopping for swimwear so online is painless lol. I guess I’ve been lucky because it’s always worked out well! At 26 I just can’t so one pieces yet, it makes me feel 40 lol. Nothing wrong with 40, if you’re 40! You look great though and I hope I can pull a one piece off that great!

  2. I really needed to read this right now as I have such a warped sense of body ATM, bloody PMS. And as for swimmers I really need to just get some prof advice, I have Nikki’s book on order!!!

  3. At the end of the day, life is too short to give a shit about how we look in swimmers. So really, we shouldn’t! Yay to you Beth x

  4. I love Sandra. She is the biz.

    Beth – I have to tell you. You have runners legs! You do. It’s working. You look fit.

    Love love love your spotty swimmers. Don’t know what you see but I see a foxy nearly 38 year old with great boobs and runners legs.

  5. I was up in noosa a couple of months ago and found my 6 months pregnant self the perfect bikini in the exact same shop as you! What a great place.

  6. Whitney sigler says

    I hadn’t bought one in four years. Well we were headed to the lake for a weeks vacation with family. I went shopping with my SIL to pick up a few sundresses. Well we came up on a bathing suit store. She’s like oh we have to get a new one. Omg. So she finds one after only trying two on. Skinny bitch. I’m kidding. She’s 51 and one child that weighed 3 lbs. Me I’m 50 1/2 and three births six pregnancy and a road map of stretch marks on me tummy. Well after 25 to 30 kid you not. We found one. Well her and the sales girl Judith loved it. I hated it. Looks like I should play tennis. Tiny skirt and a tankini top that cost as much as the last 15 suits that I have ever bought. Good thing my SIL bought it for me as a gift. Within the fourth suit I hated myself. When did I start looking like this. Shit turn down the lights.

  7. You are so bloody fabulous! ! And I think u look gorgeous in those swimmers. If only the world wasn’t so judgemental perhaps we could all wear bikinis and not give a shit!! But then again maybe it’s just ourselves that give to much thought to it? Power to the Pussy I say!!

  8. Honestly, it’s like you’re in my MIND sometimes! Swimsuits on the brain at the moment here. We’re off to Fiji on some sort of Griswalds tour (somewhat like your family) in October so thoughts are turning to togs. I have always ALWAYS been a bikini clad lass, contemplated the bombshell one piece a few times but figured ‘I’ve got the rest of my life as a mum-type to wear that’…NOW GUESS WHO’S A MUM?! It’s arrived. One piece time. That tummy ain’t fit for public consumption mere months after giving birth, I’ll give you the tip. I am not adverse to buying online either, so have promptly purchased a navy number which I’m hoping my new found bosoms fit into…this is all new to me, added cleavage! On my investigations I’ve also discovered I’m quite partial to a bit of a high waisted bikini bottom and halter top, THAT I could do, covers the tummy and looks like it could hold the bosoms. Am eyeing off something like this:

  9. God you crack me up woman! You are too funny. Love your hair do in those photos!!!! I agree with Gail you have great legs foxy lady. I am right there with you with the stretch marks all over my guts! So true about wishing you were as skinny as you were when you thought you were fat, the weight I was when I thought I was fat is now in fact my goal weight, perhaps even a kilo heavier!

  10. Beth, from what I can see, you are rocking both those swimmers! Gotta love some spots and with a confident smile in the 2 piece…it’s a winner. Like you, swimmer shopping is a pet hate of mine and I’ve always done it online. This year I decided to bite the bullet and go to a shop. Instead of Sandra, I had a very young girl who was more interested in her phone (I wish I found a Sandra) but that left me to sort out my swimmer issues. I ended up with the best set of swimmers I’ve ever had! You have to step outside of your comfort zone sometimes to get the rewards 🙂

  11. Annie Maurer says

    You just make me laugh, laugh, laugh!! Been there done that… this post and the spotty number looks great on you! X

  12. Love that Sandra “…let’s see how far it is actually going up your arse”

  13. That’s it. This year I’m going to a store that ONLY sells swimwear and I will find myself a Sandra and spend more than I want to because I want to say WHO GIVES A SHIT! Especially considering I’ll be at home in my own damn pool. x

  14. I just had a summery vacay and the whole bathers thing was a big dealo post 2nd baby and with a bit of indulgence showing up on my tummy. I gave myself a whiplash of grief about it. Woman are shit to themselves like that hey?
    The right swimwear makes you feel a million buckaroos and I say you look great in the pockadots one piecer! And exceptionally happy in that reality shot! Gorge!

  15. LOVE this post! I’ve always been an online girl and I’ve always worn a bikini UNTIL I had my third child. Now there is no way on gods earth I’d been seen dead in one! Like you I went into a shop and spent a small tiny fortune on a fantastic swimmer. Well worth it 🙂

  16. I haven’t worn a bikini since I was 5! Seriously. When I was a teen I though my boobs were too small and my gut too fat to wear one. Ha! If I only knew.

    Now I wear a TOmmy Bahama one piece that makes me feel good. My hope is that I feel good enough to wear a bikini, even just once before I’m 40. xx

  17. I LOVE THAT VIDEO. Fabulous work there Mrs Woog, don’t even worry that that isn’t in landscape, that is GOLD.

  18. Fabulous Bev. You look great in your chosen swimmers. Thank you so much for sharing. V x

  19. That was a very funny post that I can definitely relate to! I gave birth one month ago via cesarean. I live in Italy and it is the middle of Summer now so with a 3yo , we were at the local pool 2 weeks after the birth! Apart from not really fitting into any of my existing bathers (where did these boobs come from??), I also fidn’t want any elastic putting pressure on or around the cesar scar soooooo I went and bought an impressive one-piece. Love how it holds all of my squishy bits in but did feel like a Nonna at the pool. Lots of Euro bums around here with their bathers pulled so far up their arse, i don’t know why they just don’t wear a g-string!!!

  20. You look hot!! And you make me laugh. I need a good laugh today. I actually make my own swimmers. It takes less time than going to the shops and trying on all the swimmers. And then I usually get all depressed and cry. Making them is so much more fun and I get to have a few glasses of wine in the process!

  21. I agree, we should face it and embrace it! It’s JUST SKIN PEOPLE!!!

    Great swimmers Bev, you look fab!

    I am going to be in a cossie in 2 weeks for the next 6 weeks in Greece and Croatia and I cannot wait. Yes, things wobble. Yes, my boobs will never be the same after nursing 3 kids, yes my tummy still looks pregnant but I don’t care.

    I found a few great cossies in John Lewis and Marks n Spencer in London a few weeks ago. On sale too, booyah!

    Will look again in Paris now that I have 2 weeks to peruse the shops. I’m in search of a navy and white stripped one piece… Surely I will find that in gay Paree??!!


  22. So we are headed off on a cruise in 4 weeks time and I need to brave the Canberra cold to choose new swimmers that adequately cover the increased size 16 body for 30C weather. It all seems rather surreal…

  23. OMG I love you. Colour me inspired – this summer I’m buying a two piece!


    Omg. I just had a weep for like, an hour. In bed, Davo’s asleep, off to watch my trashy shows and here you are showing yourself in a swimsuit on your blog yes you are.

    I am – wait for iiiiiiitttttt – I am currently still wearing a leopard-print bikini I bought from Kmart Westfields Bondi IN 2006 BETH. 8 years ago. You could say it’s a bit bent out of shape. Shopping is so boring for me, I need Nikki. I need Sandra, and I need Kayte to film it. Fuck I can’t wait to see you. xxxxx

  25. Ha, its going up my arse Sandra – love her composure – how far is it going up?!!

    I am 43 and I wear a bikini, weirdly despite my numerous body hang ups holidays are the one time when I just do not give a shit. I always joke and say I just buy the hugest beach towel so then I look tiny, in reality I don’t care because on EVERY single holiday I have been on I have always seen women who society would judge as being too fat/too curvy to whatever out and proud in their bikinis getting their tan on and not giving a shit

    and in reality, who really gives a stuff- there is a reason that none of us look like the airbrushed, celebrity perfection we see in mags, its not real.

    Those supermodels can inject all the silicone, fillers and botox into their pretty little frames, but the bangers all head south eventually 🙂

  26. The “how far up your arse?” had me at the end. Still laughing. Gorgeous bathers and you looked fabulous and happy. Go the two-piece. So comfy and easy.

    I need a Croatia wrap on the blog please. Looking to book July next year with the family after a family wedding in Europe. Need help!

  27. Fashionista says

    Summer 2012 I gave myself a good talking to and said “you need a new bathing costume” (because God knows, swimmers are only the start of the ensemble!). Trawled the Melbourne shops. Victorian retailers are useless when it comes to swimwear. Sighed. Went to Queensland still lugging my 2007 swimmers (purchased in QLD) which were looking very tired. I scored in David Jones in the Brisbane CBD. They had swimmers as far as the eye could see, Queensland is the only place to buy swimmers.

  28. kaye yaager says

    So great to see a woman who is comfortable with who she is, good for all of us, thx Beth.

  29. Go Beverley – rock that swimsuit – and the two-piece!


  1. […] measured, and getting the girls out, it’s ESSENTIAL. It reminded me of the lovely Sandra who helped me get swimmers when we were Noosa a few years ago. So I got the help of this cute young thing who helped get the […]

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