A tide of flesh: getting fitted for a bra

This morning I had a spare moment and a feral toddler so thought what better than doing something I have been putting off for a LONG time: getting fitted for a bra! I know how to have a good time!

It’s been a year now since I stopped breastfeeding, and yet I found myself STILL wearing maternity bras. I mean COME ON BETH. It’s no wonder I never feel like putting out or feeling remotely like a non daggy Mum, maternity clips and an overwork beige bra will do that to a gal every time! But with NY on the horizon (where I will most defo be putting out) I thought I better get sorted. So into the Bendon Outlet store I went.

It’s always good to get the help of an assistant…even though it means getting measured, and getting the girls out, it’s ESSENTIAL. It reminded me of the lovely Sandra who helped me get swimmers when we were Noosa a few years ago. So I got the help of this cute young thing who helped get the girls sorted good and proper. Fun Fact: I used to work in a lingerie shop in the Greenwood Plaza called Legs Eleven. I used to look at boobs all day! And the most disconcerting thing was when men came in to get their girlfriends lingerie sets but had NO clue of their size so either used their hands as a size measurement or looked at my knockers to compare. Eeeeeew.

I had Mags strapped into the pram with a cow video on You Tube, I had an improved self esteem given my #febulous efforts and being a few kg’s down and I had approx 12 minutes, what could possibly go wrong?!

Bra after bra, strap after strap I gave it my all rolling those girls up into a well supported bra. The thing is, while the 14DD measurement that I have sounds kind of cute and sexy, it’s not. They are water balloon boobs here people. They are rolled up balls of FLESH, adjusted so my nipples are facing either up, or in the same direction. The flesh is loose and fleshy, peppered with stretch marks and different coloured skin. The nipples are so large it’s outrageous. IT’S NOT PRETTY. But it’s almost 40 year old Mother of 3, you’re doing alright old girl boobs. And Rob still rates them so there’s that.

I got lace, and plain, sports and in between. I made the girl laugh, I made other customers laugh, the change room looked like a teenagers bedroom disaster with shit on the floor EVERYWHERE, but I did it. And when I got out I saw another friend of mine who decided that after 12 months of NOT breastfeeding it was time to maybe not wear maternity bras anymore either.

I feel there is a revolution of Mum’s of 2 year olds that need to start action. At least you know you are not alone.

And when I got home I emptied my indie drawer of every bra and CHUCKED THE LOT. I refuse to be tempted by the comforts of ill fitting old beige any longer! They are gone!

And now I will be hassled for sex more than ever, but the girls are sitting high and dry. With hopefully nipples facing in the right direction (that is if I get in there and point them the right way!).

Are you a non feeding maternity bra wearing person too?
It’s time friends, time to get it sorted!
Where do you get the good bras from?

And I am deeply concerned by the weirdos that will be directed to this post with their google searches so help me GOD. Go away and read a book or something.


  1. Your girls thank you! NY here you come!

  2. Nothing better than a new bra (well, there’s cake), get the right fit and you lose a dress size and gain confidence. Well done Beth.

  3. Oh my gosh, I laughed so hard, this could have been me describing self. I was at a market selling books and there was an intimo rep there. Off to the loo’s for a measure. The letter E was bandied about. I was mortified, but alas, I had two new bra’s that fit and didn’t even have to go shopping!!!!!! I donated my maternity bra’s immediately, as I could not allow myself to return to them! I hope you got a size that’s generous, if your going to NYC, lol. Have the best time ever and report back so we can live vicarious.

  4. I can’t stop laughing. You are so real and hilarious as a mum if adult kids I can’t help but picture your beautiful mum thinking, oh Beth a mum doesn’t need to know you will be putting out a lot, haha. Your too funny

  5. This makes me laugh. I’ll admit I am still wearing my pregnancy undies & 1 maternity bra on occassion. They are comfy!!!!

  6. Haha!! Getting them pointed in the right direction and keeping them there all day is an issue – especially in my chilly office.
    (o ) ( o)

  7. Khali Whatley says

    Your last two sentences = GOLD!

  8. I tell you what, I’m nearly 6 months into this breastfeeding caper and I have BIG bra plans for when it’s all done. In much the same way I went and bought myself all new jocks when the bloody post birth bleeding FINALLY stopped.
    We gotta treat our selves and our bods for working so hard!
    Big congrats on getting through febulous too lovely! I felt a bit naughty last Friday being one of the many posting a boozy pic… my bad!!

    • Kellbell says

      Hey Nicole,
      Me too! Nearly at 6 months breastfeeding and so over my Bonds maternity saggy baggy bras. Have been rotating 3 bras as I refuse to spend money on nursing. Ras as I am looking to move to bottle soon.
      Gah! Can’t wait to finally get shopping.

    • Don’t be! Essential with babies when you get to the end of the week!

  9. you are such a card thanku beth!
    lol m:)X

  10. I bet tossing those old bras into the bin was utterly cathartic. You’re onto the mums-of-two-year-olds thing. My youngest is 20 months & I have been offloading baby goods with relish (except those tiny clothes… that bit is haaaard ?)

  11. So funny Beth! I must confess that I am wearing hand me down bras from a friend who went and got a boob job and they don’t even fit me! What a tight arse I am!
    I have nothing to put in these bras I am just trying to hide the baby sucked nips!
    Now be careful how you wash them nice new bras so they don’t all turn grey!

  12. It’s like you read my mind or you were looking at my sad sacks. I was just in the bathroom sighing and lamenting about my once fabulous boobs that i just didn’t use enough to my 20 year old self’s advantages! Literally have only just weaned but i think a 2 hour round trip to a bigger town for new undies is required! Thank you!

  13. Michelle says

    Cow videos! ??? oh Mags you are adorable. I’m naughty I keep buying el cheapos from a certain large discount chain shop, because walk in, pick it up, walk out. Have change from a $20. But I do need proper grown up bras, those nipples do have a mind of their own.

  14. Uplift Project (www.upliftbras.org) is an amazing organisation that takes any bra in any state and donates it to women in countries that can not get nor afford them, like women in a Fiji and Solomon Islands. They have drop off points all around Australia, New Zealand and Singapore. Maternity bras and big bras are exactly what they are crying out for so please don’t throw them in the bin. You’ll make a mum in Fiji who has no money to buy a bra very happy ?

  15. Don’t chuck out the old ones! Send them here: http://www.upliftbras.org to help out ladies who need a bra xx

  16. Highly recommend Stephanies Lingerie in Kingston ACT. Such nice ladies, beautiful underwear, they keep your purchases on record so if you need a quick top up bra you can pop and they will check what you had before. Not cheap but so worth the money for 50-something boobs which have fed 4 babies. Such a morale boost to have nice undies, in my ideal world matching but I still dont manage that!!

  17. Chicka Wow Wow says

    Well my boobs swing low and I can wobble them too and fro…

    But we have options don’t we, well structured scaffolding with synthetic mouldings which we can ditch at the end of the day OR plastic silicone oranges, grapefruit or rockmelons, the choice is only limited by your surgeons imagination and hey upright possibly a go-er and laying flat on out backs they do NOT even move..not even a hint of a landslide! BUT alas also means no mummy tummy sleeping and suddenly spa days and massage tables require additional body cut outs in order to accomodate those bad-bad boys.. So many choices…it’s like breaking in a new couch..stiff and hard for the first couple of years like it’s still covered in the manufacturer’s plastic or soft, yielding, pliable, comfortably worn in like a favourite jumper or old Levi jeans..I think that Mr Bert has fabulous taste ?

  18. Angela Davidson says

    You are hilarious! I wish I was a fellow customer in that shop having a good old laugh. I’m currently breastfeeding our third child. I have been in maternity bras non-stop for 5 years. I’m over it! Will heed your advice and chuck away all the old ones when this feeding stint is over. I’m sure I will feel like a new woman like you do!

  19. Wow, love that one with the black lace/pattern. Will have to go shopping for a Bendon. Then again, It might result in having to put out more!! Dilemma!

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