Post 2099


I’ve got nothing today.

From the moment I woke, I had my heart in my throat, the emotions just sitting there, ready to spill out. And they have. Much like yesterday I can’t seem to get much done. I can’t stop thinking about the terror that unfolded in Sydney yesterday, about all those poor people involved. I can’t watch any more coverage, listen to any more people tell the story about how they should have been somewhere but weren’t. I can’t stop thinking about the families of those who were killed, that Mum of 3 kids just like you and me, the man who maybe tried to stop the gunman, killed in the process. About the man that did what he did.

My mind is swirling with hashtags and media and stories of people and terror and hatred and anger and sadness and some kind of collective grief. I’m confused. And just feel a bit sick.

I just went to the supermarket and found myself crying in the frozen section choosing frosty fruits for my kids. Why does shit like this happen? Why did the government cut all that foreign aid yesterday? So many whys.

But I’ve got no answers. Nor does anyone I suspect. We’re all in this together, worried about the what if’s and the that could have been me’s. I tried to do some Christmas shopping today which just seemed pointless and unnecessary. It’s the same epiphany that hit me at a funeral earlier this year when I knew we had to have another kid. All that is really important in this life is people that we love. Our families. I don’t know why sometimes that is taken away from us…through illness, or tragedy or old age or circumstance or just bad fucking timing. I don’t know why just because of the place you are born means that you will have a good or bad life. Why now we won’t be able to help those people because our budgets are in the red or black (I can never remember which). Why a history of violence against women and others sees that man out and walking our streets. I just don’t get it. And I’m not going to any time soon.

I’ll give my kids a fucking frosty fruit because I can. I’ll feel my baby kicking inside my belly and thank my lucky stars that I get that privilege and honour and hope that this world I am bringing them into is a good place filled with mostly good people. I’ll tell the people that I love that I LOVE them, my goodness I love them, because at any given point it can be taken away for no good reason at all. I’ll pray that the newest member of our family arrives safely. I’ll wish that people in my family who I love dearly get better and out of hospital soon. I’ll remind my girls that while bad things happen in the world, that there are SO many good people, all the time ready to help each other out.

And I’ll know that I’m not the only one feeling all this stuff today. It’s confusing. And it’s grown up.

And I hope you are OK too.


  1. I totally agree! I have had a hellish day today and all I can think about it suck it up princess you weren’t even there, which only reminds me how awful the people involved must be feeling. It happened right across from my work. My girlfriend and I go there for hot chocolates, this one day I was off work sick. Hug your loved ones, bury those stupid grudges and forgive and forget, live life to the max and love thy neighbour, make love kill out hatred. xo

  2. It’s hard enough to keep oneself together when not pregnant.. you have my admiration and the only silver lining from this terrible tragedy is #illridewithyou – such a beautiful spontaneous expression of the australian spirit which i’m betting the evil man didn’t see coming.

    At least while I hug my two babys (girls 6 and 2) speak through tears I can tell them they are growing up in one damned amazing country even if one crack-pot tried to ruin it, we have amazing people like our police men and women, brave people like the manager of the cafe, and an amazing community which can be adult enough to say i don’t share your views, but you deserve safety and security as much as me.

    Even though it’s the saddest of days, I have never been so proud to be an Australian!

  3. i hear you. I have been very unproductive today and yesterday as well. This is all just so sad. A little heartwarming that there are so many people in our fabulous country that unite together, feel together and pray together for all those involved and to the whole wider community. Sending you a huge hug. V x

  4. Yes, just a shit of a day all round. You echo my sentiments exactly. Hugs to you xxx

  5. very poignant beth!
    I’ve felt heavy energy today, … couldn’t even paint anything!
    a sad day indeed!
    I’ve been immobilized by this collective mourning! …
    and like deb … and how lucky was she! …
    I believe we need to send love, out there not hate! …
    our national psyche is hurting now! … time to heal, support and nurture!
    much love m x

  6. I was 7 months pregnant when 9/11 happened. I remember a man turned to me in Westfield Eastgardens and said “I hope you feel bad for bringing a child into a world where this happens” I just started crying and a lovely lady pulled him up and said ” this child maybe the one to make a difference” . Awful times, but we can make a difference- by raising empathetic understanding emotionally intelligent children xx

  7. Less than 10 years ago I was living in Sydney, married to my ex-husband who happens to be Turkish Muslim and we were being ostracized for a mixed race/religion marriage on both sides. My side being Australian and Catholic. The recent Cronulla riots had left a trail of racism and bigotry. Whilst our marriage ended for reasons other than religious differences (lets call it too young and crazy) and we’ve both since remarried, lots of old wounds were opened yesterday watching the news. It gave me some hope that people were standing together united, regardless of religion or race. I watched the #illridewithyou hashtag unfold on twitter last night and it made me incredibly proud to be an Australian.
    I hope you’re feeling better about the world tomorrow Beth. Being pregnant brings up ALL the emotions xo

  8. It has to start with the law, its needs to be tougher from the start none of this leniency crap. it’s that simple. if the law came down harder at the start then this would not have happened (by that particular person anyway) have the law makers, government and who ever the hell else no noticed the crimes get worse when criminals are on bail??????? also, if he was a refugee whatever and he is a menace to our society but im sorry kick him the hell out of our country. not really rocket science! rant over for now .

  9. Well said. I feel so sad and have such a heavy heart.

  10. Hey Bev,love your heart,you’re a good girl, never met you, but I love the way you think xxx

  11. Lisa mckenzie says

    Yes well said Beth ,I’m just sad missing my mum and thinking of the bad shit that happens to good people Xx

  12. Such a sad day Beth. I am carrying around a heavy heart. We think we have all the time in the world with the people we love, but they can be taken at any moment. We need to make the most of the time we have. I found out yesterday that my nana had left us, may she rest in peace. Such a sad day all round. Squeeze those girls tight tonight x

  13. Words from the heart. Beautiful.

  14. Well Beth, I have just not long got home from my annual Christmas trip to Sydney with my daughter. As I grew up in Sydney, I have wonderful memories of Xmas time in the city, I want my daughter to have the same.
    I love the David Jones windows (not the best this year DJ’s…..6/10 only guys!) the crystal palace in the QVB with the beautiful fairy girls and a lovely santa, the Xmas food in the David jones food hall….if you grew up in Sydney you know what I mean.

    Anyway, we were in David jones food hall when the siege began to unfold. When the David jones security locked the doors to DJ’s we knew this wasn’t good. Buses were stopped, shops were closing down, streets were blocked, the vibe was not good, but people stayed calm.

    The thing that struck me the most was that people everywhere were looking at their phones, as I was, googling the news, trying to make decisions about what to do where to go. Was this a random attack or was it going to happen in other places at the same time.

    And, people were being good to each other. We were looking at others, talking to others and at times calming and reassuring others ( hello to the lady from Wollongong and her mum, hope your Xmas Angels are safe on the tree) Yes, there are so many good people around!! In fact, 99.9% are wonderful and kind. That’s what struck me in the city under siege.

    It continued into the evening and the next day. The waiters at the circular quay cafes ( hello gorgeous guys…) were so kind, the staff at the hotel, the police waved and smiled to us as we walked past.

    We went to St Mary’s cathedral in the morning after the siege and lit candles for the hostage victims, and then went to Martin Place and stood with all the other people placing flowers, just wanting to be part of it, wanting to share in the grief outpouring, but also wanting to show a big #__ckyou to the perpetrator.

    I have chosen to no longer live in Sydney, but it is the place I still call home. It is full of wonderful people, it is a beautiful city. I am so saddened by what happened too xxx

  15. Granted I am a ball of post pregnancy hormones, but I too keep crying.
    I just keep thinking that they just went out for a coffee.
    It is really all too much to comprehend.
    And more than once I have thought to myself what kind of world did I just bring a brand new baby into?
    I know good will prevail…I just hope it happens sooner rather than later.

  16. Unfortunately the west Australian newspaper has exhonorated the gunman by placing him on the front page instead of the victims who are the true Heros… Sad day here too Beth!

  17. Dear Beth, I’ve been where you are. About a year ago I was suffering utterly paralysing grief, fear & an overwhelming sense of dread at the state of the planet – it’s people, politics, and environment. I had just had my first child and the feeling that I’d made a huge mistake bringing such a beautiful innocent into such a world became a guilt I could hardly bear. And then I realised what was making me feel SO terrible: the ‘news’ itself. Those millions of ‘tidbits’ of information about tragic events that had nothing to do with me personally, & that I could do nothing about, but that naturally pulled at the heart strings as a decent human being. So I stoppped watching, listening, reading it. It took about 3 months to shake the terrible feeling off, but I can tell you it’s one of THE BEST things I have ever done. I am not diminishing at all the tragedy of what has happened to the poor souls & their families involved in this incident, or the seriousness or gravity of ANY tragedy, be it personal or global: but the thing we seem to have lost sight of is the fact that we are not ‘built’ to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders – we’re built to carry the burden of a clan – a small community of members who are directly involved in our daily lives. That is more than enough of a burden. I am still socially active (I attend rallys & volunteer for issues I care about around social justice & the environment) but I avoid toxic mass media coverage. Occasionally I don’t change the radio quickly enough on the hour, or I glance at a newspaper headline accidentally at a cafe (& it’s amazing how long I find it takes to shake off that feeling of despair again) – oh & I often have to stop family & friends with ‘sorry, please don’t tell me, I really don’t need to/want to know’, but overall it hasn’t been too difficult to cut ‘news’ out of my brain’s diet, and I cannot begin to tell you how good it’s been for my mental health. There’s been several recent studies & essays written on the damaging effects (& self-destructive pointlessness) of the mass media ‘news’ as we know it. One good summary here:
    Hope it helps a little. I truly sympathise with where you’re at. Much love to you xx

    • And sorry, I hope that whole message doesn’t sound too sanctimonious at a time like this. I understand people are feeling really raw with grief and emotion about what has just occurred so close to home. Maybe this is a message for a little down the track…. Hope you’ll consider it when it feels right to do so anyway xx

    • Thanks for sharing your story with us all and me Beth x

  18. Oh my darling Beth this made me cry. You have such a beautiful heart. I was in Woolies crying about the foreign aid cuts today too – because babies will die and girls will go back to prostitution. So much is not fair. We just gotta shoulder what we can and keep moving, try helping.

    I love the shit out of you xxxxx

  19. Big love Beth, I haven’t slept in two days thinking about it, hits home this time of year xx

  20. I had the same epiphany after the funeral of a dear friend about having our first, and I think about her all the time. It’s just the worst reminder of the fragility of life, isn’t it? My little one brings so much joy to my life, and without experiencing him here, I don’t think I’d have ever experienced so much sunshine. Is that selfish of me?

    May the two victims rest in peace & I hope the hostages who made it through & families of those who didn’t heal as best as they possibly can and are surrounded by support to get through the tough times ahead.

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