My breast is certainly NOT best

Monday mid morning I headed grocery shopping with both gals in tow, which I was quite pleased about. I haven’t done this many times (usually try and go solo on the weekends when Rob is home for sanity and ease and let’s face it, escape). But when I did it, and did it SO well I got a little cocky. So cocky that I headed into Target for a quick look around. Next thing I knew I had a new bra in my hand and was headed for the check out.

Now, my current lingerie selection consists of many maternity bras, and 2 plain as a milk arrowroot biscuit bras – one tan, one black. It’s all very glamorous. This doesn’t really concern me, because a) they rarely see the light of day and b) when they do it’s straight into bed without anyone really checking out what’s going on. Sexy and glamorous, I know. And poor Rob. Poor, poor Rob. Now it has been concerning me that I would even contemplate putting a maternity bra back on, given that I haven’t been breast feeding for oh, 5 months, so I decided it was time to buy something else to add to the arrowroot black and tan numbers.
So that was how I found myself in the very expansive (and inexpensive) bra section of Target on a Monday morning. After trying to stop Harper from pulling the bras into the pram with her and watching Daisy walking around stroking all the bras and saying over and over “these are for the boobies Mum. The really BIG boobies! The really, really, REALLY BIG BOOBIES” I thought it best to get out of there. Quickly. I tried to remember what bra size I used to be. Before kids. I looked for a bra that seemed borderline fancy…a Monte Carlo if you will….I stumbled across a black and cream number, found my size, read the name (which incidentally was BETH!!) and thought tick! tick! tick! This will do, and was out of there.
When I got home I put it on and went about my business. It looked the part. It was a little, ah, uncomfortable, but it was doing the job….or was it? Slowly as each hour passed on, more and more boob was escaping from poor Beth the bra. It was like a tide of flesh that could not be stopped. From the top. From the side. From the back. I had an extra set of breasts that appeared to be growing from the top of my existing ones. It was not pretty. I persisted with Beth, I tried to work with her, and I showed Rob the results whereby he almost passed out from the sheer horror of it all, combined with the shock that I had actually shown him my boobs…poor thing…all too much really.
So. This morning. Beth was retired to the drawer, never to be seen again. Or at least until I get so skinny for my little sisters upcoming nuptials that my second breasts disappear and I give Beth the breasts that she so rightly deserves. March…watch this space.
But, I was committed to the cause of giving my boobs some lift. Giving them a home that they so rightly deserve after all their hard work of getting me knocked up, then feeding children for 12 whole months (6 mths aside per child), enduring endless bouts of mastitis and let’s NEVER forget the breast abscess that had me hospitalised for 4 days when Daisy was 5 weeks old. This commitment saw me in a lingerie shop yesterday afternoon being “properly” fitted for the first time…in a loooong time. The whole process was quite traumatic. For one, I had to look at myself and my breasts with nothing else on in a small room with mirrors everywhere. All I have to say about that, is that stretch marks are a cruel physical reminder of all the pain and suffering, I mean JOY, that children bring to your life. If I am ever not sure of just how good life with kids can be, I can just look down to the section of my body that used to be my stomach and be reminded of all that joy. All those many, many, MANY marks of joy. AND THEN I got to stand in front of a matronly woman who prodded me and pulled me and measured me and said things like “see this here, this back section? THIS is what you need to work on now that you have had the baby. This here…see this (pointing to my second set of back boobs) this needs to be toned right up”. And other such wonders like “So the D isn’t fitting? Hmmm, I thought that was a big make”. And my favourite “you will see just how much bigger your right breast is to your left. I am having to fit around this because they are just so mismatched now!” It was really good for my self esteem.
But. After 40 mins or so and a good couple of hundred dollars later (luckily for me I can make this my b’day present from everyone for Monday) I have 4 new bras. 4 fancy Monte Carlo bras for my long suffering breasts. My SIZE 12DD SIZE BOOBS. Yep. That’s my size. Sounds like a porn dream doesn’t it? Shame the reality is saggy water balloon filled sacks that need a DD just for room after rolling them up. And shoving them in. But the tide has subsided. The shelf of boob has been contained. And the girls will be sorted for another 7 or more years.
Unfortunately that glamorous little La Perla number at the top taken from Net-a-Porter does NOT resemble anything for my enormous DD’s. Le sigh…


  1. Oh my, I just want to smack that woman in the head!! And that’s being polite.

    I don’t have anything else to say. I’m speechless! (Because of that woman, not your boobs).

  2. Oh yes welcome to my world! I always have had rather large breasts – when I was actually pregnant I had to get fitted and the woman was a tyrant! I am to scared to back. Congrats on the new bras though!

  3. LOVE it. Great post. And equally great booswakies. Have to say I did feel a little sick to think you have 12DD – what the hell am I then, 12M??

  4. Haha, great post!

    In fact, I’ve been thinking of posting something similar after I decided that perhaps wearing maternity bras 4 months after stopping breastfeeding was not such a good idea. I got my act together and got fitted a couple of weeks ago.

    My saggy lady lumps in all their glory have gone from a B cup pre-BuBba to 12DD/14D, thanks to my newly acquired pesky side and back boobs! Yay >.< I feel your pain 🙂 BuBbles

  5. I’m ashamed to admit I haven’t been fitted since I stopped breastfeeding – um, please don’t do the math…

    I did have a fabulous maternity bra fitting in the Strand Arcade when I was pregnant. I walked in, and the woman didn’t even seem to LOOK at my chest and she stated a size {with a G in it – oh gee, I laughed…} and it fitted beautifully. No measuring, no awful commenting – but then again, I didn’t get an hilarious blog post out of it…

  6. Pissing my pants with laughter.

    I had a similar experience on Monday. Got the videos from last week out on my computer and thought, great, there might be one of us swimming at the beach to post on the blog.

    Then looked at my arse. I rephrase. Then my arse filled the screen.

    And I decided against the swimming at the beach video. In fact, I decided against ever appearing at the beach in a swimsuit ever again. Yes, my arse cushioned me during childbirth, but gee, I wish it had subsided back to pre-baby days.

  7. OH Beth, you just made me laugh out loud! That woman is HORRIBLY rude and I’m SURE it isn’t that bad.

    What a bitch, honestly. Your babies are ridiculously cute at least! They’re worth it!

  8. O’lordie you make me laugh so hard my sides hurt. Even after 24 months of breast-feeding my boobs are pathetically small, so I can’t feel your pain in that department.

    Sorry the fitter was so rude.

    Teehee – still giggling.

  9. Just caught up on your past week.

    Love it all! xx.

  10. My friend Jo said you were funny, but wow, that was a fun read! Believe me when I say I was laughing with you, not at you. Kids have their good points, but for our bodies? No way. I hope your girls enjoy their new home. x

  11. Hahahahah, too funny Beth!

    I love that the bra was named Beth as well. I would have also taken that as a sign. Although not many bras are named “Samantha” It sounds too old and slutty, hahaha.

    Ask anyone I know, especially my husband, trying on bras is my MOST loathed thing in the world. I often buy them online, just to avoid the whole experience.

    Also, I would LOVE to be a 12DD. My boobs are porno huge, not by choice though, bwahahah

  12. Oh you do make me laugh!

    I’ve never had my boobs measured and now I’m definitely never, ever going to. How appalling!

  13. This is why I don’t try things on lol I do not like to be helped in the change room.

    Which also happens at most bridal wear places LEAVE ME ALONE I dont care what you think I look like, let me stare at myself in peace!

  14. I bet your hubby is delighted though no? All men seem to have a thing for massive breasts even if filled with milk, covered in veins etc!!

  15. Oh. My. How rude! The last time I got fitted was for my wedding, 3 and a half years ago… I was 14 weeks pregnant and it was NOT pleasant. I can’t imagine going back after having my children though, you are one brave woman!
    And just to make you feel better – I have to special order my bras… the last one was a lovely 16k. Yes, K.

  16. I recently went bra shopping and went home with nothing but a bruised and battered ego.

    Glad you got fitted properly, even if the woman who did was a Complete Bee-otch. I suspect she might have moonlighted as a dominatrix by night.

    Oh, and DD is for Doubly Delicious, don’t you know?

  17. How about bras for lopsided breasts? I have one C and one D, and my cleavage is smack over the top of my heart!

  18. I laughed my way through this. I know it wouldn’t have been funny at the time but I love the biscuit analogy. Come to think of it I have only one bra that isn’t ripped, oh, but wait, the hooks at the back bent.

    And has for the bra fitter woman. Horrid! Can I share my fitting room story. I’m different to you. After my first child my size c boobs shrunk to and a! And then when I was pregnant with my second, I had a fitting because I thought I would be sensible (sensible is so overrated). Well the fitting lady proceeded to tell me that my boobs were so small compared to my back measurements that she was not sure she would have a bra to fit. She said that I would probably need a 16aa or aaa if possible! And I’m like, I’m a size 12, how come I need a size 16 aaa. Well, feeling absolutely unfeminine, I tried on a 16a (the smallest they had) and found it to be way too big at the back. I worked my way down to a 12b. I mentioned to the fitting lady, so, this is my size now? Not a 16 aaa.

    She stuttered and said… “Oh, yes.”

    I’ve never gone for a fitting again… but I need to, I’m just scared.

    I need to do a post on this one. And I know what you are thinking… too much information? lol

  19. I’m constantly amazed at women wanting to get breast implants because if you ever spoke to one of us larger busted gals you’d know that finding a bra to fit is a nightmare that leaves you feeling low and your wallet feeling light.

    I went from a D to a an E when pregnant and now that I’m actually feeding I’m an F cup (F for FREAKING HUGE).

    Congrats on the new bras, I bet you’re walking taller (and perkier)!

  20. Having to laugh at the bra fitting woman, what an ignoramus. Thankfully for me, one of my dear friends began to sell intimates last year – problem solved! I got my husb to measure me where she told me to (she lives interstate) and she accurately guessed right size. Er… that being, a whopping 14EE!! 🙁 And it’s all out front. And sides. At about knee height. Ahh, the joys of breastfeeding, huh?

  21. Love it! Sorry, I don’t mean that I love that you had to go through such a nightmare to get some nice bras…I just love the way you write. I’m still giggling about the really big boobies comment in target! I’m exactly the same, but sadly its because mine are so tiny that I stay far away from the scary fitting ladies…I can imagine them saying, Goodness, I don’t think we go that small! So here I am after over 2years of breastfeeding, in the same bras. I will get the courage to go and find some now that he’s weaned. One day! I will!

  22. How random that I find this post AFTER I’ve just gone and decided that 8 months is long enoughs to be wearing maternity bras whilst not breastfeeding.

    And so it seems, welcome to the 12DD club. I fainted but got back up again too. How is it I’ve gotten BIGGER after children? I thought it would go the other way… you know flappy puppies???

    Anyway, this post had me giggling and SO understanding every second. But I must confess I do have nice bras now. And they fit. xx

  23. Maternity bras were a big reason for me wanting to stop breastfeeding. Love a good bra.
    Very funny post.

  24. Maternity bras were a big reason for me wanting to stop breastfeeding. Love a good bra.
    Very funny post.

  25. Haha, absolutely loved this!
    They say everyone should be properly fitted, but after your experience I think I will give it a miss!

  26. LOL. You know I’m desperate to know what size Beth was, don’t you? The number of us walking around in the wrong bra because we remember what we used to be….

    The bra fitting is horrible, tis true. But ladies, we’ve experienced labour for God’s sake. Everything else is a doddle. And worth it for boobs that sit approximately where they should!

    Thanks for Rewinding at the Fibro!

  27. Sadly, I’ve gone to sports bras for lift and containment. They’re not pretty, but they’re doing the job.

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