Standing on the outside, looking in

Whilst this is a GREAT Cold Chisel song, it’s what I have been doing a bit of lately. Something about spare time to actually stop. And think. About myself and others. I think it’s what they call reflection?

I have certainly been thinking about the ‘work’ me. About what I have done, about what I would like to do in the future, and there has certainly been A LOT of worry about this. I have been thinking about the ‘mother’ me. About what I do well, and not so well. About areas that I know I have to learn to be more patient with. About Daisy and how much she has grown and what a little lady she is now. About more babies. I have been lucky enough to have plenty of good ‘wife’ me time. Plenty of dates and nights/days/weekends alone with Rob in the last few months and I feel like we are in a really good place.

So I guess I am feeling quite in tune with Beth and all she has to offer. To myself and to others. But it’s always interesting to see what something else thinks about you. It’s rare in the world to get an unabashed version from someone about what they think of you (but I had this chance on the weekend). To hear what they think your faults are and what they think is the essence of you is. I find it hard to face up to the reality of my known faults (don’t we all?) particularly when you can’t help but take it to heart and get defensive about it. But I also appreciate getting an honest evaluation. I like honest. I like getting it out there and throwing it about (even if it is negative or positive). I think it just helps you in your own evaluation. It also makes you think if this person thinks this, how many others do? What do people really think of me? Does it really matter? I don’t think it does.

I like to think of myself as someone who is quite outgoing, friendly, bold, vivacious, funny. I LOVE people. I don’t take myself too seriously (although with all this navel gazing you would not know it). I love family. And friends. I think I have a fairly healthy self esteem and sense of self worth (I am freaking fabulous) and I think I am quite tolerant to people’s differences. I know I doubt myself and my abilities (as we all do). I know I have trouble forgiving people and that I am fiercely loyal. I know I am a hard worker. Dedicated to people I love, to whatever I have put my mind to. I know that I have a tendency to fly off the handle – 1 to 1 million in 3 seconds. I can loose it. Just ask Rob, oh yes I can loose it. I know that I am always trying to be liked. Well by people that I like anyway. And of course that I am really, really good looking. There’s that.

So with the personal feedback I received on board, as well as my own spare time, I have come to the realisation…that…I have waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much spare time at the moment! No, no, it’s all good…it’s like I have a personal therapy session round these parts each and every day. But please feel free to tune out – I understand there is only so much head up one’s arse that someone can deal with!

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