How you talk to yourself matters

I put up this quote on my Instagram last week and every day the words have been swirling about my head. Like a mantra over and over again, it’s been popping into my head and it has had me thinking. Which is never a good thing really. Sometimes it is though…

On Sunday we had our family do and I had a new dress that I had bought to wear. I popped it on and immediately all the talk started in my head.

“What happened to losing all that weight before Christmas?”
“Why are my boobs so enormous and seemingly growing bigger every month?”
“Man I actually look preggers in this”

Despite all three girls telling me I looked beautiful when I put it on and even Rob throwing me a compliment when I asked Harps to take a photo to share, I looked at it and AGAIN I still had those words going over and over again in my head.

“What happened to losing all that weight before Christmas?”
“Why are my boobs so enormous and seemingly growing bigger every month?”
“Man I actually look preggers in this”

Because I ran out of time to change I wore it and went to the party. Smiled for photos, but you can see those thoughts in this photo can’t you?

Why do we do this to ourselves? And even after reading so many wonderful comments from women and seeing that I did in fact, look perfectly festive and lovely, I still let those thoughts creep in. Stupid, negative talk about all the smallest things that no one else, in fact, can see.

The week before I took a photo of my sister with two other women all with their little babies born within a week of each other. I loved the photo, 3 adorable babies and 3 amazing Mum’s holding onto them. She text me back when she saw it saying “I am so fat in that photo I had to untag myself”. To which I replied “all I could see were 3 adorable, happy babies and Mums”.

Because LITERALLY that was all I could see.

No one sees the shit that we see, NO ONE. Truly. And it stops us from being in the photo, putting on the swimmers, living life sometimes. Wouldn’t you LOVE to be as skinny as you were 5 years ago, when you thought you were fat?! I know I would.

Daisy can’t see it in that photo above can she? All she can see is a smile with her Mum. And it’s all she can see in this photo.

Harper can only see having fun with me by jumping into a photo.

Rob just usually wants to be stupid and make fun of me and he literally thinks I am beautiful no matter how floppy my stomach and boobs are. In fact, he is thrilled by my enormous middle aged elephant boobs. So long as he gets to cop a feel every now and then. He’s basically still 14.

And of course Maggie sees the most important, wonderful person in her entire world when she sees me!

I saw on Instagram last week a post by adorable Olivia from House of White when she was on holidays. She whacked up a photo of herself in swimmers that she didn’t like, but decided to put it up anyway. And what a response she got. I know all I could see was a gorgeous young Mum with her daughter.

See? No one sees it. No one that counts anyway.

So with the upcoming holidays when there will be lots of opportunities for photos, I beg you to get in them. Ask someone to take photos of you with your kids, even if your head is telling you something else. It’s just not true.

Be like Beth, 2 margaritas in on the beach in the Maldives away from her family without an ACTUAL care in the world, telling you to embrace your beach body. You have a body, go to the beach!

I know I will be. Massive elephant tits and all.

The way you talk to yourself matters.
The way you talk to yourself matters.
You wouldn’t let your kids talk to themselves like that.
The way you talk to yourself matters.

And of course if you so want to make changes to how you look, go for it. Take the walk. Do the HIIT class. Whack some bo bo in your head. Do what you like! Just don’t let yourself talk shit about yourself.

We’ll all be fatter in 5 years time anyway, so embrace the now.

Get in the photo.
Get in the water.
See yourself as your kids see you.
The most important person in the world.

And 2 margaritas in can help too….

Comments

  1. Oh Beth, I’m crying. We all do it to ourselves, and shouldn’t!!!!’ I think my girlfriends are the best. And I think that their flaws are what I love about them the most and are what’s interesting about them. How bloody boring if we were all perfect cardboard cutouts. You looked fabulous Beth ?

  2. Love it. And YES you looked so festive and fun!! Read this at just the right time, currently online looking for new swimwear to wear on holidays next week (totes stressful with this post 3 baby bod) ! X

  3. Oh I hear ya Sista! I had to get up on stage at my kids’ final school assembly last week and a friend took about 100 photos of me while I was up there. When I looked back at them later I was horrified, like actually horrified, by how l looked! How I now look on the outside is not how I feel I look in my head. So, over the next few days, there was soooo much negative self-talk in my head about certain parts of my body that I’m self-conscious about. It was so exhausting!
    But, like you say Beth, we will never be as skinny as we were 5 years, 10 years ago… and yet we cling to it like it was this golden era. Meanwhile, my kids tell me countless times a day how much they love me and how beautiful they think I am. You’re right, we wouldn’t talk to them the way we talk to ourselves. So I’m going to take your advice and try and get in front of the camera a lot more – fat arms, muffin tops, and belly pouches and all! L xx
    PS You looked fab in that dress! You rocked it.

  4. Lisa Mckenzie says

    Omg yes I talk to myself and call myself names I wouldn’t ever in a million years call anyone else,I am so critical of photos of myself as well.
    Beth all I saw in your beautiful dress was you…no negative words,just stunning xx

  5. Love this and love your posts. Thanks for just being REAL in a world full of filters ??❤️

  6. Yes, yes, yes, yes! I’m with you, but you know I was reading your post saying in my head – yes but my boobs are way worse than yours (18G or bigger if I got fitted again), yes but my double (triple) chin in photos, yes but my thighs, yes but. I’m with you, but it’s hard work – I know you didn’t say it was easy ? We are so critical of ourselves and I know that for me, I hold myself back worrying about these things. I so desperately want to have my hair like yours but am not brave enough to say to my hairdresser – this is what I want. I’m 51, fat and feel frumpy and old but at the same time I keep asking myself “if not now when?” I don’t want my time to run out and I’m always left with the thought ‘I wish I had…’ So yes, get in the photo, wear the dress, go to the beach. I’m trying, so I guess that’s a start. Xx

  7. I have been practising this mantra for the last few months & it’s working!!! I realised that I have NEVER been happy with my body, not when I was 44kg, not when I was 55kg, not at 60kg so when was I going to be happy? Im 70kg now & im not ashamed of that. I eat good food, I walk most days, I try to get as much sleep as my kids will let me. I also eat shit food, enjoy sitting in the couch to read or crochet & reeeeeeally love staying up when everyone else is asleep. I was so tired of being mean to myself so I stopped. I try to talk to myself the way I talk to the people I love. And it’s working because I feel happier with myself, I am more relaxed with myself & more forgiving of myself than I can ever remember. It’s so freeing! I refuse to go into my next decade carrying the same shot I’ve carried since I was 15!
    Big love Beth xx

  8. I really needed to read this today. Last night my 10 year old daughter told me that she was ashamed of being ‘too fat to wear a bikini’ like her friends. I just wanted to cry but was also so angry that society, the media and everything around her these days is making her feel like she’s not good enough. At 10. I gave her what I hope was a positive pep talk but I know that once she access to social media when she’s older, in all likelihood it will all just get harder 🙁

  9. For me it’s just about finding the right clothes. I can fluctuate with my weight but ultimately it’s about if I’m feeling good in what I’m wearing. I’ve recently stacked on a few extra kg’s but the dress I’m wearing today makes me feel great – yesterday’s not so much. Whenever I’ve put today’s dress on it’s the same. Some clothes are magic – I just need a whole wardrobe of them instead of the ‘oh – I suppose I’ll put this on’ outfit and feel frumpy all day.

  10. Katie Macleod says

    Beth, I love this post and its timing seems to be just perfect! I’ve been following you for a while now and you know what stands out, your personality above all else. A gal I would love to share a prosecco or 5 with and would go home afterwards and feel bloody great because of all the laughs! That’s what counts and its what shines through, even through a blog! Thank you for being real, I agree with the lady above especially in today’s seemingly perfect everything! Lastly, Prima Dona do the best bra’s ever for big boobs! They’re pretty expensive but I’ve had mine for 4 years and they’ve got a hammering! Super comfy! You’ve cheered me up today. xx

  11. Thank you.

  12. Thank you. And yes. Yes to all of it.

  13. Absolutely. I’ve been having therapy for this exact thing, have realised I wouldn’t talk to a friend this way so why do I do it to myself. By the way I thought you looked fab in that dress. It’s funny how we don’t appreciate what we have sometimes, I have the smallest boobs ever and often hate how I look because I have no curves up top.

  14. This is totally awesome.

    I NEVER look at anyone else in a photo and think they look sub par but I ALWAYS look at photos of myself in disgust. Time to cut out this crap and get on with living.

  15. I will have to admit i have not worn swimmer for 28 years.so fat after our first child. Sad i knoiw. I have no photos of me with our 3 kids, now all adults and i have a y month old grandson wuth no photis of me with hi.. i know what you say is true but it is bloody hard. You do look beautiful. I will get thete one day.beautiful post. X

    • Donna, this makes me so sad. 28 years without wearing swimmers!!! Trust me when I say NOBODY cares about how you look on the beach or by the pool. This is your ONLY life, don’t hide away. And you need to get some photos of yourself & your family IMMEDIATLY!!! Your kids, & grandkids, will only ever see the smile on your face, the twinkle in your eye, they’ll remember the way you were standing close or the funny thing you said before the photo was taken. They will NEVER say “ god, doesn’t mum look fat/old/tired/unfashionable!” When you lose a loved one, photos are what keep our memories fresh. They help us remember a smile, the way a persons eyes crinkled up when they laughed, the way they stood or held their hands a certain way. Please, please, please make this the Christmas you get IN FRONT of the camera. Your people love YOU, not your pant size, they honestly do not care if you big, little or in between. Get in the photo!!! X

  16. Thanks for sharing this. Gorgeousness in all its shapes. ❤ I had a terrible case of monkey mind after coming home from holidays and continuing on my Prosecco every moment possible because, “it’s Tuesday”, or “we’ve got the bbq on!” Took an evening to journal and reset to help my mind appreciate myself just as I am at this moment.

  17. Sonia South says

    Perfectly written Beth. Sitting here at 7am all school lunches made reading this with tears streaming down my face. Yes I always get emotional at this time of year but I am certainly a great human. Thank you for the reminder. xx

  18. That bit about how you look in photos, well that’s been me a lot recently. Think I look good until I see a photo of me and think how fat I look! So this post is spot on for me, thank you so much ❤️

  19. Wanda comrie says

    You did look very spesh Beth, but what an awesome human you are to put it out there and say it. Man I haven’t been in swimmers for about 20 years because of the way I speak to myself. Maybe I’ll get on the beach yet!? Thanks for being you :))

  20. All I saw in those photos was a woman looking confident and positively glowing in a vibrant dress and amazing shoes. I never would have thought you were telling yourself you looked shit.

  21. After many years of this type of self sabotage, I try to remind myself daily to be kind to myself. This is one of the best articles I’ve read. Thanks for sharing.

  22. I’ve pinned those quotes thanks beth!
    don’t do other social media but pin like a pro!
    In the past not so kind to myself but these days i’m pretty good at saying,
    i’m ok! not bad at all! … I don’t care what people think anymore! comes with age and mindful self talk!
    I watch where my energy goes too! i’m quick to walk away from negativity!
    you give the impression of someone who is comfortable in your own skin! … and that is a good thing!
    “here for a short time … don’t sweat the small stuff!”
    have to be true to yourself and love yourself first!
    much love mxx

  23. I do this to myself about my appearance – but also about my brain. Work in an academic field and feel so stupid all the time. I talk to myself in a way that I would never speak to other people!!

    I’ve morphed a really good saying (‘Never compare your inside with other people’s outsides’) into ‘View your own outside rather than the inside’.
    Case in point – was at a meeting where someone said that they thought they knew me, but didn’t. Was discussing it with my cousin and told her that it happens all the time to me and that I must have the most bog-standard face in the world. She replied: ‘I think that people think they know you because you are so smiley and open and friendly that they feel a connection with you and think that they must have met you before.’ It floored me – I’d never had that perspective before.
    So I’m going with viewing myself with the love that others who love me view me. It’s how I generally view others and I deserve the same. Obviously work in progress and haven’t got this completely sorted!!
    Cath

  24. So true – thanks for the reminder to live life and stop worrying about unimportant stuff. Love you, and your elephant tits. Merry Christmas – i’m off for an afternoon swim and a champagne, rolls and all. Lx

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