Hello, from here

I woke up this morning, and you were the first thing I thought of. A year, a whole year passed since you left. I can’t imagine how all your family and close friends are today, as they stop and remember you.

It’s not like we ever stop though. Reminded of you in small ways, almost every day. A bunch of flowers. Stupid Facebook and it’s reminders where you’ve commented. A song. Something small, and there you are back again. And again it’s like the wind being taken out of your guts when you remember that you’re not here anymore. Your poor kids. Poor Keith.

I’ll be driving along and this song will come on, and I know that you’re hovering above somewhere.

I know you were hanging around on the day Maggie was born. Of course you were, I felt you there.  Oh you’d love her Amelia. She has these tufts of hair over her ears where the one part of her hair grows. It slays me. I know you’d get it.

I had the most frustrating day today. My lappy stopped working. Just like that. The white screen of death where nothing loads. I’ve spent the day watching YouTube tutorials, installing things, calling people, lamenting the loss of all my thousands of images on there and hoping they will be retrieved. I’ve been frustrated by stupid stuff, stuff that doesn’t matter and I keep thinking it must mean something, because I constantly read into everything as a sign.

I walked away from the computer. Got in the car and turned the music up loud. Drove to the nursery and spent money on plants. Always cheers me up. I got some sweet pea seeds, because it’s St Patricks Day and that’s the day that you have to plant them according to my friend who told me this morning on Instagram. I came home, got dirt under my nails, put Maggie down. Got the girls home from School. Watched them play. Sat on the floor thinking about all the mundane things I get to do that you miss out on.

Look at the afternoon light stream through the window.

Pick a bunch of flowers from the garden.

Watch your kid and dog lay in the sun, knowing how good that feels on your back as it soaks into your bones.

Look at your baby and marvel at the magic of them.

I was forced to stop and have a look around, get a reality check, and soak in every one of these normal, everyday moments of life we so often look past, that I know you would give anything for just to have back.

Thanks for letting me see them again. For always making me stop to see them now. I see them for me and you. I wish you could see them my friend.

I planted some sweet peas today and in a few months time, they may flower and I’ll think of you. Time keeps going, the earth keeps turning, and you’re still not here. But you’re missed and I just know will never be forgotten.

I hope there’s a G&T for you there, some Fleetwood Mac playing on Vinyl as it should be, a great hairstyle on you, a rocking t-shirt and some skinny jeans and some kick arse boots. I hope there’s laughter, I’ll toast you from here, to wherever you are. Missed, still.

Always missed.