This is the squished up face of my baby yet to be born.

I don’t know if it’s a girl, or a boy. I don’t know what they will be, who they will become. I don’t know what will make them anxious, or happy, what will bring them sadness or joy. I do know that they will be loved and guided in the best way Rob and I can give them hoping to teach them kindness, compassion, love, patience, acceptance an open mind and heart always. I hope they ask questions and challenge their thoughts and others. I hope they have a passion for learning. So much hope riding on that one squishy face.

I do know that they will make mistakes in their life. We all do, we all have. Small ones sometimes, and others bigger than they may regret. I hope they can learn from them, if and when they do, and are given a chance to redeem themselves. Everyone deserves that.

There’s so much I am feeling tonight for Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran and their friends and families. I know people don’t come here to read my political views or opinions, my silly observations, pictures of clean floors and well made beds and dinner ideas are much more appealing. But tonight, as a Mum, my heart is breaking for the Mothers who have had to say goodbye to their sons in the prime of their lives tonight. With so much to give. I know they made mistakes, and I know that people have their opinions on it all one way or another and of course are entitled to them. But I’m not much interested in that, in views on wrongs and rights and redemption and different voices all trying to be heard. It’s too noisy as is and it’s all a little too late now in any case.

I hope my kids never make stupid mistakes, and if they do, I hope they are given the choice to make better, because we all do, we all have. I hope they have the chance to make better.

Hope, such an important thing, that seems to be disappearing for these men and their families tonight.

I hope this world that we are about to bring this little one into has compassion in it. What good are we as humans if we cannot forgive people for their mistakes? And to those Mothers that once felt the kicks of these boys in their bellies, I am so sorry for your loss and your pain.

It’s a sad night indeed.


  1. I have such a heavy heart tonight too. Makes me very weepy.
    Your baby will be just such a beautiful addition. How exciting!

  2. That is the part in really struggling with tonight too Beth. My little boy is sitting on Daddy’s lap reading stories. Those men were someone’s babies once too :'(. Big hugs xx

  3. Indeed it is a very sad night. I don’t know what’s happened to us as a people and at what point we have lost our compassion and empathy, but it really saddens me when I hear people comment that they deserve the punishment because they knew what they were doing was wrong. Oh dear me. I can’t stop thinking about them this evening. I will go to bed with a very heavy heart and hope that perhaps something good may come of all of this. Maybe more people may find their hearts again. xx

  4. This morning Myuran’s sister wrote on her FB page
    ‘Please keep fighting someone please stop this from happening I beg you please help me’
    At that moment my heart broke in 2-how do you cope with something like this?
    I have been fighting the death penalty for these boys and the others for a long time now-and i’m shattered that there is no mercy being shown.
    And the lack of compassion being shown by others honestly shocks me.
    We all know they did wrong-but they have been punished long enough-and they have been reformed. Widodo- if he would’ve read their appeals for clemency- would’ve seen that.

    My heart is heavy tonight. I will not sleep. I will stay awake for the boys tonight-to give what little support i can to them and their families.

  5. Oh, all of the above. YES xx

  6. Oh Beth, I really do agree. I am feeling a bit numb tonight & I honestly feel like my heart is physically heavy.
    These men made a mistake, but from what I can see, they could also be held up as shining examples of rehabilitation & ability to change for all others to see.
    What do we achieve by killing them? I just see that we confirm to many prisoners without hope that indeed they are not entitled to any.
    I don’t want to live in a world where that is ok.
    Mercy should always triumph over judgement, but I fear it is not to be in this case.

  7. We had a gorgeous little boy in foster care with us from newborn until 11 years old. He was always the “naughty” boy, lots of trouble at school, suspended in year 2 but he was also the most loving gorgeous little boy too. At 11 he was restored to a birth family member. He is nearly 18 now & keeps in contact ( he still calls me mum). He has made some very silly decisions over the last few years. I am terrified to think that in a few months he will be treated as an adult if he makes a silly choice. These young men made a wrong choice, a very dangerous, silly one & were caught. Now after 10 years of making changes in their lives this happens. Yes they did the wrong thing, yes the consequences are well known, yes lots of people are hurt by drugs but as a mum of a boy that makes wrong choices without thinking them through this feels so wrong & sad

    • Good on you foster mum πŸ™‚
      Maybe the care you have given him will one day stop him from making a silly decision, just pull him back from the edge. You will never know it but I am sure what you have given him is lying dormant in him, waiting to rescue him one day!

    • Thanks for sharing your thoughts Heidi

  8. Beautiful words Beth. You have summed up my feelings exactly. How often in life have we all made stupid stupid mistakes that could have changed the course of our lives forever?? The words “But by the grace of God” come to mind.

  9. Wilma MCKENNA says

    I am feeling very sad tonight as well. I just can’t imagine the way these poor parents must be feeling. Something you would never ever get over. God Bless them all at this very tragic time.

  10. So well put Beth, I have cried a lot today for both men and their families. Dying to enable a president to look strong, is the worst reason.

  11. It is a horrendously sad night tonight, I keep hoping and praying for a miracle.

  12. I dread waking up to such sad sad news in the morning. I go to bed with a heavy heart. It just isn’t right.

  13. Thank you Beth, for putting the thoughts of every mother into such beautiful words.
    Please, please may we wake to a miracle.

  14. I love your blog . Have done for ages . I am a Mother and Obstetrician so lately especially I have been loving reading your thoughts and admiring your beautiful pictures . But tonight I am just a Mum and I don’t want to go to bed because when I wake up in the morning I am worried that it will all be too late for Andrew and Myuran and the others . I bought a flower on the weekend and saw the beautiful Hope tribute which was made from all the flowers . But despite so many protests from all around the world it seems as though tonight will be a tragic night …Thank you for writing tonight and every day . And good luck with the rest of your pregnancy !

  15. Eliza Whalley says

    Hi Beth, I love your words tonight. Such a sad, sad night. I am dreading the morning news right now as well.

  16. Yep, I had a big cry today too. Only the privileged go through life without making mistakes!
    Executing drug dealers obviously does not solve the drug problem. Drug use is a medical/mental health issue, not a criminal issue and treating it as such is useless, as seen by the current state of affairs.
    It is so sad, on top of the Nepalese earthquake too πŸ™
    Peace be with the boys.

  17. I agree, l am not a mum, but it just should not happen, the agony that there family’s are going through, there hearts must be breaking. I hope by the morning something has happened for them to be still with the world.

  18. Beth- I share your sentiments entirely. I’m almost due now with our second bubba, and as Im writing this I can feel him/her kicking away. Watching this unfold over the past years and months, and then the terrible news footage of the two families tonight in cilacap, in particular the mothers, has brought a heaviness to my heart. Well-written post from you as always. B

  19. I love your piece. Echoes my own thoughts beautifully. Been in and out of the bedroom tonight cuddling my sick bubba and I caught the footage of their parents on TV in between and was just so saddened. The sense of helplessness, as a parent, must be overwhelming.

  20. sharon Hampton says

    Dear Beth, I love this post for so many reasons. I complete agree with you. My heart bleeds for those two young men and their loved ones. Surely they have redeemed themselves? They have not contributed to Indonesia’ ever growing drug problem in the last 10 yrs so what will killing them achieve? They had more to give. .so sad. The Indonesian gov has commuted the death sentance for two
    Iranian drug traffickers to life imprisonment this week. Im not sure why the same mercy can’t be shown for two young australians.
    Hugs to you and yours Beth, take good care of you and your gorgeous squishy faced wonder. Xx

  21. sharon Hampton says

    Dear Beth, I love this post for so many reasons. I completely agree with you. My heart bleeds for those two young men and their loved ones. Surely they have redeemed themselves? They have not contributed to Indonesia’s ever growing drug problem in the last 10 yrs so what will killing them achieve? They had more to give. .so sad. The Indonesian gov has commuted the death sentance for two
    Iranian drug traffickers to life imprisonment this week. Im not sure why the same mercy can’t be shown for two young australians.
    Hugs to you and yours Beth, take good care of you and your gorgeous squishy faced wonder. Xx

  22. kate westhead says

    A post that sums it up so well. Thank you for this.

  23. Hi Beth, you have put to words what I have been feeling all day. How can a punishment which will hurt the families so much (who have not committed the crime) be reasonable? The families walking through the media was heartbreaking. Such an incredibly sad time.

  24. As a Mum of two precious children, my heart also aches tonight…..there really are no words. A post that sums it up so well Beth xx

  25. So incredibly sad, reading about these two young men and their mistakes.

  26. Thank you for saying all the things I was thinking, but a lot more eloquently. It’s heartbreaking for Andrew, Myu and their families but it’s also sad for humanity. How can we do this to each other? Where’s the compassion and forgiveness? Without hope we have nothing. It’s a very sad day, a very sad day indeed.

  27. Hi Beth,
    This is my first comment after reading your post for a long time. I want to congratulate you for this and many wonderful posts. I too am broken hearted and have prayed that the 9 lives would be spared. An eye for an eye makes for a blind world. I have been to Bali for holidays but am sad to say I will never return. Surely 10 years is punishment enough. Without hope we have nothing.

  28. Thanks for putting the thoughts into words.
    Last night I just went to bed with a heavy heart, thinking about it all…. And with the words of a song stuck in my head. They didn’t deserve this – no-one does.

  29. I cannot imagine anyone in this world feeling he/she has the right to decide that another person should die. That’s in God’s hands, not man’s.

    So sad and angry about this, I cannot even find words.

  30. Beth I can’t even begin to imagine how those mothers feel today. I’m too much of a wuss to let me mind go there. It’s too dark. Too horrific. Too heart breaking.

    I tell my kids about once a day that I want them to be kind and try their best. But you’re right, I also hope that one day, if they stuff up, they get a second chance. Pretty simple wish really. Don’y we all deserve that?

  31. I woke up this morning and for a split second I had forgotten about it. Thanks for your lovely words Bev x

  32. Beth, you’ve put my thoughts into words. I am numb with sadness about this and cannot fully express how sad and angry I feel. So thank you, for being you, and managing what I couldn’t. xxx

  33. thelittleredhen says

    I was up every hour or so last night with a sad teething baby, and was awake and (foolishly) looking at Twitter in the wee hours when it happened. And despite exhaustion and the fact that my little boy had finally fallen asleep I couldn’t go back to bed. I just held him and thought about the families and especially about the mothers of anyone who has been in this situation, and their beautiful babies that were, and the various paths that led them to these awful life conclusions as adults. And I cried a lot.

  34. thelittleredhen says

    (And I don’t just come here for lovely pics of well made beds etc-though they are enjoyable. It’s your blog and I like it that you shared your feelings about this. Thanks.)

  35. This a wonderful post so beautifully written. This world can be so so sad cruel and unjust, my heart breaks for these mens mothers and families. I love your blog, the beautiful photos but mostly your writing

  36. I have been praying for comfort for the mothers ( and families). The anguish of not being able to do anything to save your child. It’s heartbreaking. Thinking of you as you await your new arrival. X

    • Thanks Bec, terribly upsetting to think about what those families must be going through. And then Nepal and all those poor people…a sad old week that’s for sure x

  37. In amongst all the things that have been said in this sad, sorry mess, was something that has stuck with me-
    We are all better than our worst decision.
    One stupid decision can change your life, and in this case, mean the end of it. We should all be allowed to be better than the stupidest decision we’ve made.
    My heart breaks for their families.

  38. Justmeok says

    I have no words – my heart hurts

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