The story of Maggie’s Birth day {The background}

There’s so much to share and tell about all this that this may be ridiculously long and all over the place, but it’s something that I want to share mostly for me, like most things on my blog. You see this blog while read by thousands of other people every day, is a reminder of things for me. Like when I started writing it almost 9 years ago. The stories, the words, the photographs are for me so I can remember all these bits of parenting. Or holidays. Or tantrums. Or magnificent lunches. For me. So bear with me as I try and get all this stuff down and allow me a little room to try to capture what went down on the day our third daughter came into this world. And I have to get it out now before I forget one moment of it.

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The decision to have another baby was a huge one for me. And for Rob. I guess it’s why it happened so long after Harper…a good 5 years later in fact. Every time I was ready, Rob wasn’t and every time he was, I wasn’t. There were always excuses…we have this trip coming up or that but we gave ourselves the deadline of our holiday last year to make our minds up one way or another. Thing was, on that trip we were having so much fun that we didn’t have time to even think of it. Or discuss it. Which of course in my mind meant that the decision was made. We were a family of 4. It worked. We could travel together well…all stay in one hotel room, we were happy. It worked.

Except. When we got back in July it kind of didn’t. I wrote this postย and somewhere along the way a paragraph appeared about this other kid, waiting, that I cried for sometimes. I distinctly remember being at Harper’s Thursday morning gymnastics class and they were sitting around in a circle, singing a nursery rhyme and I knew that this was it. The end of this stuff, this little person stuff, was coming close. Big school was about to start, a new chapter was starting…one that involved big kids and routines and grown up stuff. I drove home while Harps ate her sauso roll and chocolate move in the back seat and wept, actually SOBBED the entire 14 minute trip home. I was crying for this kid that I was too scared to have. Too worried to have. I mean I just COULDN’T go back could I? The endless sleepless nights, the feelings of suffocation and resentment that came to me so easily when raising babies. All this STUFF that I had from the girls when they were young holding me back from going again. I was too selfish to give this child life and I was sad for the baby. And for me. And for the girls that I had those memories attached to them being babies.

Whilst I loved being a Mum to both baby Daisy and Harper I won’t lie, it was hard for me. There are no doubts that I suffered from some kind of post natal depression with Daisy. I was SO anxious. So crippled for self doubt and fear…always so capable of everything in life and yet paralysed with fear about not knowing WHAT TO DO. I then had to go back to work after 6 months and then took another 2 years before having the courage to go back to do it with Harper. It was such bloody hard work too with her…all those thoughts of self doubt PLUS having a toddler that didn’t sleep, a husband that was working crazy hours I was sad and frustrated a lot of the time. I had to go back to work, to juggle day care drop offs and work schedules with a kid that was sick most of the time. I was sad and stressed. And it was about that time that we made the decision to quit my job and move to the country.

So you can see why all this stuff clouded my view to go backwards. In my head, it seemed like taking such a big step backwards, getting pregnant. We were happy. I was relaxed, and did I mention happy? The girls were going great, Rob and I were doing great, work was busy, it was the next chapter.

Or was it?

That drive home and then a subsequent conversation with Rob who was feeling the same at my birthday weekend away in Canberra cemented it for us. Maybe we weren’t done. We weren’t done.

Shit.

We spent my birthday weekend talking about the decision to go again. I talked about all my stuff. My fears. My deepest fears about what it would mean for me, for us, for our family. And yet there was that spark of excitement in the pit of my stomach, like the one I got when we decided to move to the country, or get married after 4 months…it’s a combination of fuck it, what do we have to lose combined with OHMYGODWHATAREWEDOING?! We also had a deadline to do it…we had a trip planned to Italy the following year in September which gave us a ridiculous window of 2 months in which to have a crack at the title. 2 months! Who gets pregnant in 2 months? I purposely made it so small because I knew if it was meant to be, it would happen and if not then at least I could say I tried right? I text my sister who was preggers at the time letting her know we were going to have a crack. After she stopped screaming she asked the question…2 months? That’s RIDICULOUS. And I was all like “well if they want to be part of the family they can step up right?” Yes, it was ridiculous. And then a few days later I knew I was ovulating. And I knew that if I had sex, we would get pregnant. Knew it like I knew I wanted to marry Rob the moment I set eyes on him. Knew it like I know I love custard. A weird certainty. A premonition? I text my sister (yes, we’re close) about being too scared. She would reply with “just go and root your husband for Gods sake) and yet? I couldn’t. Clearly I wasn’t ready. I talked to Rob about it. Told him ย my fears AGAIN, decided maybe we just wouldn’t. It was OK. All my stuff getting in the way again.

And then, well I just decided to take a leap. Stop my brain from thinking and rationalising and talking me out of things and just take a leap of bloody blind faith. And so we did. And it was a very good leap of faith too (sorry Mum). I soon forgot all about what it meant and just went with the ah, moment. God I need to turn my brain off more often.

And like I knew it would happen, it happened. Just like that. I know, I’m one of those lucky ones. Rob just hangs up his trousers and I’m knocked up. And I was. Just like that.

Shit.

I felt so sick for the entire first 4 months that I didn’t really think much beyond not throwing up in the car when out driving. Or what I could eat that would make me not throw up. I couldn’t even really think about what it meant, so I didn’t. I just got on with surviving life with 2 kids and work and throwing up a lot. Best thing I ever did, was NOT think.

Once I started to feel better though, my brain started to think a little more. There were more moments of self doubt, more inner conversations with myself, self sabotage and over bloody thinking. What if, what if, what if. I would get cranky about work, about being left behind, about going back to the beginning when everyone had moved on. All the old stuff, and some new stuff thrown in for good measure.

Shit.

I had many conversations with friends about this stuff. My good friend Nikki told me I needed to go see a Kinesiologist to get my stuff sorted. I talked about it to anyone who would listen…seeking advice and opinions and gathering as much info as I could to try and get rid of this stuff, and just bloody move on. I tried to embrace the different sorts of opinions and advice that I would previously roll my eyes at…lots of people kept mentioning Calm Birth to me as something that might help. I read stuff, worked on stuff and actively tried to HELP myself move on in a positive way. The main thing for me was being OK with being ย at this stage. Whatever that stage was. Kind of like just a general acceptance of the moment. I know it sounds woo woo and all that but for me, I needed to accept that we had made a decision and to be OK with that decision. To accept all the changes it meant. To be OK with everything that it meant.

The Kinesologist helped A LOT with this. Mainly just talking to a complete stranger about what was bothering me. Saying stuff out loud made me realise what the ACTUAL things were. For me: control. I am a control FREAK. I like things to be a certain way. I like my home and work a certain way. A baby? Well ANY plans you may have will be thrown into disarray with a baby and I wanted to be OK with that. Like really OK. I spent months and months of prep trying to be OK. There were visualisations. There were mantras that were written down and read out loud every day. Whatever happens, will be OK. Because it is what it is.

We also booked in for the Calm Birth weekend not so much with planning a drug free hippy birth from it, but just because I had heard so many friends tell me how good it was. I wanted Rob and I to do something different and special for this new baby given that up until this point we hadn’t thought very much about the actual baby. The after effects sure, the actual BABY? Not so much. And the birth? Well I hadn’t thought about that bit at all (denial is quite good when it comes to labour right?).

So we rocked up to that weekend without much expectation to a room filled with (mostly) first time parents wanting to prepare themselves for the unknown of birth. I had quite a bit of knowns when it came to birth and it wasn’t until we were asked to go around the circle and introduce ourselves and our stories that I had that same feeling I had when I was at the Kinesiologist: saying out loud to someone makes you realise what the actual problem is. Kind of like lots of times when I start a blog post and don’t realise until it’s finished what was going on. I found myself talking about how much the births of both girls were actually not great experiences for me and I wanted to move on and forget them so I could be in the moment for this new baby. In the moment. Same shit. Huh.

Now Daisy and Harper’s births were not really anything traumatic or much to write home about and you can read about them in those links. How they made me feel and how I pushed that stuff away was though. And it wasn’t until I was there that I realised just how much they had on me. For both girls we were booked into a Private Hospital in Sydney’s eastern suburbs with a wonderful ob. I did that because my friends had done so, and so I did. I was completely naive with educating myself. I went with the old head in the sand approach and listened mostly to war stories from other Mums telling me how awful child birth had been. Remembering stories I had heard my whole life of my own birth and how awful it was for my Mum…I turned my head at the wrong time, gave her 30 stitches, etc etc. I went to education sessions at the hospital where the anaesthetist said things like “Why would you go through pain if you didn’t have to feel anything?” and so you kind of started to think these things. It was all my own fault…being a follower and doing what was done because it’s just what was happening. Of course it should have then come as no surprise as when I was induced (with Daisy early because they thought she was a big baby and with Harper because my waters had broken and I had the positive strep thing that meant I had to be induced and have antibiotics given) that I was completely TERRIFIED of everything that happened. I was in a foreign hospital, listening to midwives and obs who were running a production line of people giving birth and blindly agreeing to everything. “Oh you are going to need an epidural so you should just have one now” that kind of thing. The hospital was busy, there was a birthing boom going on around 2007 & 2009 with rooms fully packed and quite the production line given which meant things were on a schedule. An epidural headache side effect with Harper, almost 3 hours of pushing with Daisy as they let me have one try before they were about to take me down for a caesar (I am so glad they let me try even though I had no idea what I was doing because I couldn’t feel anything) and of course those awful awful silent minutes after Harper was born with the cord around her neck that saw her whisked into special care only seeing her hours later as I was in a shared room in a bloody orthopaedic ward as there was no room in maternity and trying to feed her without being able to lift my head in agony from the epidural side effect. Ugh. All that stuff. All this other stuff that I didn’t realise was there, holding me back.

I spent much of that Calm Birth weekend crying. While the first timers sat and smiled and did their meditations I sat and let the tears flow. So many tears that I cried…all letting stuff go. It was without a doubt, one of the most positive self help experiences I have had in my life. I opened my mind and heart to doing things that made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed and stupid even, and the results were truly remarkable. Off in my mind I went with each new meditation…accepting what had been and then letting it go. Literally seeing scenes from both girls deliveries and folding up those images like a page from a magazine and….letting them go. WOO WOO I know but it is what it is. They were all part of what happened but I didn’t need them anymore. Scenes of me literally hitting the wall of the bedroom that Daisy was in because I was so frustrated, remembering that scene like a photo…and then folding that up and putting it away. Even if nothing else eventuated from that weekend…those moments, those tears, those meditations were truly healing for me. I could literally feel the shift as they were left behind. And I felt a togetherness with Rob that I didn’t have with the others. We were in this together, it’s not just my job to bring this baby into the world. We were going to do it together.

And then life got in the way. I got busy with girls and work with the due date fast approaching. All those promises that I made to myself to practice my meditations were replaced with “But I’m too tired, too busy” typical me making excuses. And my old friend self doubt would talk me out of things “you don’t really think that shit actually works do you?” that kind of thing. I would constantly spend my days thinking I should be doing x, y or z and then just letting my old ways talk me round. Old habits are like a comforting old friend with the promises of ease and being comfortable and doing things this way because you’ve always done it this way was easier than all this new age bullshit right?

But Rob kept at me. My friends who encouraged me kept at me and I listened to the odd meditation and hoped to God that I hadn’t left it too late. I tried really hard to keep an open mind, kept practising my mantras and my visualisations and most of all? I kept relaxed and happy. With each day I was more and more excited about what was to come…whatever it would be.

Last Tuesday my sister came down for a visit with Archie. We had such a fun day together, laughing, having some great food, joking with Rob and seeing her with Archie, well it was the perfect way to get things moving along. We went to bed Tuesday night joking that Rob and I were meant to be having sexc 3 times a day WITH nipple suckling so he made sure he put on Marvin Gaye’s Sexual healing loud enough for her to hear as we laughed and laughed and promptly went to sleep (no sex thank you very much I was DONE with that) and I woke up around 2.30am having my “show” or as Rob liked to call it Dinner and a show! It was happening. This was happening, whether I was ready or not.

Shit.

{Part 2 to follow}

Comments

  1. I started crying reading this. I wish I knew you in real life so I could say some things I don’t want to say online, things I’m struggling to say even to myself. I love your honesty Beth & I can’t wait for part two xx

  2. Holy Cow!! Once I started reading I literally couldn’t stop. The feelings you had about this baby you want and know is destined for your family but not sure if you can do it again and you and Rob being in different places rings very true to me at the moment. How do you know what to listen too… your head or your heart?
    I’m so happy for you and can’t wait for Part 2!! Jx

  3. Reading this made me feel like you had looked inside my head and heart and just written it all down for the world to see. My first birth experience wasn’t awful, but in hindsight I know I was pushed into doing something I didn’t want, an elective c-section. Mothering wasn’t easy and with hubby FIFO at the time I was on my own 80% of it and by God I was terrified my anxiety would damage my daughter. We are expecting again and I really want it to be different and how I want it. Hubby works at home now too so that will be great. Finding time for me atm is so challenging though with the spewing and tiredness. Anyways I’ll pull it up there. I love how your calm birth weekend sounds Beth. Are you able to provide the details? Maggie is divine and I am loving seeing the updates. Very clever girl you are! X

  4. I don’t know where to start. I don’t want to write a novel but there are so many things I want to say. Far out Beth. I have read every blog post you’ve ever written but I didn’t know how you felt about Daisy and Harper’s births. But that image of folding up a page from a magazine, a scene in your head – that is so powerful. I absolutely need to do that. As mothers, women, people we all bury stuff. Because we have to. Too heavy to carry it around. But fold it up and let it go? Huh. Who would have thunk it. Brilliant. Thanks as always for sharing. More excited about part 2 than I am about the next episode of Married At First Sight and that’s saying something!

  5. oh man, I was on the edge of my seat, totally engrossed living this…feeling this with you. I don’t read many blogs Beth because my head is full and time is poor but yours I subscribe to. It’s so incredibly real, passionate, humorous, sad, helpful…and raw. I want more. I want to keep reading.my boys are 17 & 20 and at times I’d love a ‘do over’, a day back for each of their years so I could remember every little thing about them. Part of the reason I blog is yo leave them a piece of me when I’m gone, some memories and insight. Time is precious, family is everything and you’ve created a wonderful blog full of memories. Bless x

  6. merilyn says:

    wow beth! cliff hanging stuff!
    an excellent diary for you to have!
    maggie is beautiful and “yeh and she looks like she owns the joint!”
    emmasmacdonald1 said on your I g! … love it!
    she does! love m:)X

  7. s u c h a lovely read ! thank you

  8. Oh gosh that was powerful. I couldn’t stop reading. Wow, you are an incredible writer. So much of what you said I can resonate with even though my kids are 5, 3.5, 2 and 3 months, the fear and doubt sits just below the surface and it’s a battle for me most days thanks to my type a, control freak personality.

    Cant wait for part 2, thank you so much for sharing xo

  9. pollyemj says:

    Beth! Moving stuff! Powerful stuff! Wonderful stuff!! Thank you.
    How awesome is Calm Birth! That weekend was so amazing for me too and a real eye opener in so so many ways, especially for a big old skeptic like me. Love your work as always!

  10. Thank you for sharing. Just thank you!

  11. Oh you bloody tease… I am so glad you did. I am not sure we really ever wanted a third but I sometimes wish we had. Our issue has always been with 2 that are so close and like twins if I went one more it would need to be 2!

    Ours would have been Maggie so I figure I will just live my third via you ๐Ÿ™‚

  12. Love you. x

  13. Chiquita says:

    Thank you for sharing the story so far, so moving,
    I just flicked across to your IG/FB and love the pics of divine Maggie
    Gosh, babies make the world a better place
    Thank you for sharing her, so beautiful

  14. I want to know what happens next. I was so involved reading this. Beautifully written Beth. For us our third baby decision was made for us! I found out I was pregnant with Phoebe when my Maggie was 8 months old. It was scary but so far all has worked out well. I adore my three girls and I truly feel like our family is complete.

  15. Khali Whatley says:

    Wow. What a brilliant, mesmerizing post. God girl, you can write!

  16. Wow, Beth, just wow. I can relate to a lot of your stuff (as you probably know). Can’t wait for the next part…

  17. Debs Sutton says:

    Beth when the hell is Part 2 coming? I’m off to Sri Lanka on Saturday and the WiFi is spasmodic where we are…???!!!! I;m on the edge of my bloody seat woman!!!
    xxxx

  18. Wow! Tears. This speaks to me in so many ways. Congratulations on Maggie’s arrival can’t wait to read the rest xx

  19. Lisa Mckenzie says:

    Love this Beth but I want more ,okay no pressure Xx

  20. Oh Beth I wish we were friends in the real world. So similar on so many levels. Give me more…..

  21. Appreciate your honesty so much…..thankyou xx

  22. Looooove the story of baby Maggie and her family.
    Thank you for sharing. (I may do the same with my midwife colleagues).

    How did you find time to write BTW??
    Looking forward to part 2 x

  23. Can’t wait for the second part. You girl need to write a book! So touched by what I have just read and privileged to know you Beth. xxx

  24. I’m so glad you did the calmbirth weekend. Although my one and only pregnancy was horrid, the birth was just beautiful. And I thank Peter Jackson for that. Calmbirth is beautiful. I made a playlist on my iPod, and I still play it sometimes when the now 5 year old minx is in need of some calming. <3

    • Thanks Louisa. I have no doubts I will try and use those skills used in the next chapter of motherhood too. Amazing stuff!

  25. Best blog post I have EVER read. Hands down. Hanging for part two x

  26. Melissa says:

    youre such a brave one Beth. Good on you for dealing with all that history and shedding the baggage. I’ve totally welled up reading this, I just couldn’t stop. Cannot WAIT to hear about Maggie’s arrival xxx

  27. Kirsten says:

    Oh how I love to read your posts. So honest and so raw. Thank you for having the strength and courage to put pen to paper and write how so many of us feel – even though most of us don’t realise it until we read your words. So looking forward to part 2

  28. Aren’t those moments in life where you just know amazing?
    I knew I was pregnant with Lyddie the minute I was pregnant.
    It was agony waiting for the pregnancy test to confirm what I knew was true.
    And at one point during that waiting period I even had a dream that I was pregnant, it was a girl, she had black hair, and her name was Lydia.
    So there you go.

    And good for you for facing all those emotionsโ€ฆI know I still have hang ups about my first birth and my experience as a new mom.
    And I would be lying if I didn’t sometimes feel guilty enjoying Lyddie so muchโ€ฆbecause it wasn’t that way the first time around. I guess guilty is the wrong word. I love Charlie so much and I mourn that fact that we had such a rough first year.

    Anyway, my fingers are crossed for long Maggie naps tomorrow so we get part two!

  29. Love this and by golly, she’s gorgeous! Can’t wait for part two! xx

  30. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
    Maggie was meant to be, that much is clear xx

  31. Congratulations Beth and family, your newest edition to your family is devine. Your amazing to be so eloquently writing so soon after baby and you arriving home and obviously this post has been a long time in the making. Your story resonates on so many levels, especially that moment when you decide ‘3’ would be quite nice. I have so enjoyed reading your journey, enjoy these moments and we’ll enjoy your reflection and never stop writing. xx

    • It’s funny I hadn’t started this post before yesterday…just knew it had to come out (and soon before I forgot a thing) hope you all don’t have to wait too long for the next instalment!

  32. Karen McClay says:

    I have tears running down my face. It’s amazing women like you that keep me going!!! Xxxx

  33. Such an amazing story to read, I can’t wait for part two.
    Majority of what I read really resonated with me. My husband and I have one beautiful daughter, i would love another but the fear, oh my goodness the crippling fear of all that comes with having a baby: my anxiety, loss of control, being stuck in the never ending moment of having a baby and then there is my husbands recent diagnosis of MS.
    Thank you for putting it all out there, makes me feel I’m not the only one who feels the fear.

  34. I know you are writing this for you – but so much of what you have written already will strike a chord with so many people I am sure.
    I literally can’t get enough of term birth stories. I am pretty certain we won’t have another baby, so my only birth experience was the premature birth of our twins at 26 weeks, by c-section. I sometimes wonder how different it could have been to have gone full term (well 37/38 weeks) and what the real end of pregnancy is like, actually wanting the baby to come rather than doing everything possible to stop it. I had not prepared at all. I dealt with the fear, pain (I was in labour for 4.5 days before the op), other procedures, and getting to fully dilated (my Maggie tried to come out on her own!) completely in the moment. Maybe that was the only way I could get through it.
    please don’t keep us waiting long for part 2.

    • Ha! Will try not to Marian! Thanks so much, I hope if stories like this help just one person than that’s a good thing x

  35. Could not stop reading! Today I was chatting to a mum at school drop off and we got on to the topic of your blog.. We were both saying how much we love it and gushing over your baby news. I made a few half hearted comments about being done…. I think… By 3pm I had discovered I’m pregnant with number 3. Total shock. Your thoughts in the lead up are exactly like what has gone on in my head for ages! I also have a nearly 5 year old girl and a 7 year old. Beth….I am eagerly awaiting part two! Don’t keep us waiting too long ๐Ÿ™‚ x

    • I still think it’s funny that people talk about my blog! It’s cool. That’s big news Jess…congrats! And good luck x

  36. I loved reading your journey. I too had a lot of stuff I carried around and I desperately needed my son’s healing birth. I look forward to reading part two and hope you too received your healing birth xx

  37. Gibbergunyah says:

    So glad you took the leap and did Calmbirth; Peter is amazing. We did Calmbirth the second time (to the amusement of most friends and family) for the reasons you did; to dedicate some space and time to this new little baby. Like you we found that it renewed our teamwork. I still owe Peter two birth stories! Don’t hurry with Maggie’s, enjoy her and soak it up. I would have loved a third.

    • Thanks for encouraging me with it too…and of course for your gorgeous pressie that arrived yesterday. Very kind and thoughtful and greatly appreciated xxx

  38. I’m bloody in tears my friend. Baby Maggie was so meant to be a part of your world. She’s already made such a huge impact. Love you so much. x

    • Thank YOU so much for your friendship and guidance throughout and for being there from the very beginning. Well, not the very beginning but near enough x

  39. Natasha says:

    They say you never regret having another baby but regret not having another! Bet you feel having maggie is your best decision ever! We had our third girl 18 months ago, she was a complete surprise we were done at two because I found it all too hard, and all consuming, but we went on to have bonnie which meant 3 under 4 years and I can say that all the sleepless nights, all the sacrifices over the last 18 months have been absolutely without a doubt worth it! Good on you for having the courage to do it all again, even in those moments of “I can’t do this” of which I have had many, you can do it and it’s going to be awesome, you can never have enough sisters and daughters in my eyes x

  40. I’m so happy for you, especially because you were able to go ahead with what you both knew you wanted. I have two children and I would dearly love to have just one more, but my pregnancies and births were so unhealthy and difficult (seriously, we’re all lucky to be alive), that it’s just not in the cards to have another baby. I feel sad about it every single day. There will always be something missing. I know exactly how you felt when you realized you were done with the baby stage of life. I will always mourn it in my own life. I’m so glad it worked out for you. Maggie was the missing piece in your lives.

    • It’s very tough Jennifer…I have friends who have had to stop knowing they weren’t done. It’s a real grief and I hope that women are allowed to feel it. x

  41. It’s complex and fun…

    There is NO WAY I’d EVA have another. And I think that anyone that has more than two is amazing.

    Well done. Enjoying the photos very much!

  42. Christine says:

    Thanks for your honesty Beth, we all have those ugly experiences and negative feelings that we feel ashamed of admitting to.
    Let’s all open that drawer and unclutter it as our One Thing this week!

  43. Dearest Beth,

    I know so well about trying to move on from ‘stuff’. To face your fears, your often crippling and debilitating anxiety, sadness, memories and attempt to move on. To leave ‘stuff’ where it sits, stare at it in the face, fold it away and move forward.

    I can resonate so much with your words and have a tear in my eye as a read. I know these feelings sadly all to well. You are a brave soul Beth. There is no greater gift, challenge or provider of education than our own children. They make us look at our flaws, fears and negativity in the face and say ‘enough’. How blessed you are. Three beautiful female souls to raise and cast out into this world. How blessed you are they have chosen you and Rob as their parents and how blessed they are you have given each of them substance and life.

    We all have a story. We all have baggage. And I am so grateful you share yours honestly and with heart. Thank you Beth this read has been a game changer.

    So many blessings to your and Rob and well done on birth number 3, I am sure despite the feelings early on, now she is here Maggie will be treasured.

    My very bet wishes to your family and I wait with anticipation on part 2.

    Amanda xxx

    • Amanda just yesterday I went trawling through Instagram to see what you were up to – you are often in my thoughts. And then this message came up…thank you! Thank you for your wise, kind words as ever. Thank you. I hope you are doing well, sending lots of love to you x

  44. So beautiful.
    I have tears, simply because I can resonate with SO many of those unanswered questions… Maybe, baby? I don’t know…

    Welcome Baby Maggie! She sure chose a gorgeous Mama xx

  45. supernashwan says:

    Such an interesting post, I am a SAHD with a 9 mth old and my wife and I are also planning a second child later this year at the same the same age you are now. How do you get over the fears of having children in your mid/late 30s when everyone always telling you statistically it is a bad idea?
    Suffocating is a good word to use when raising small babies, especially when you have a partner that works crazy hours and you yourself once had a fledgling career but somehow ended up here (and loving it in its own special way).

    Can’t wait for part 2, thanks for sharing.

  46. Looking back at my three births I don’t think I have ever given myself enough credit for how I coped. I had epi with first and then because I hated having no sensation I opted for nothing (gas but that’s like air to me) with my other two, well except at 8cm and then I was HOWLING for one. I was scared a bit for my 3rd because I knew the pain I was in for but I knew I had overcome it before so could again. But looking back I sometimes wonder how I got through it, stubborn determination I suppose. Such a heartfelt read Beth, I’m tearing up here a little. Big love xx

  47. Oh my goodness, this was so me with baby no 3. I got most of this read but I have a 4month old about to wake up! I couldn’t decide if another baby was on the cards for us after 2 babies & also a bit of doubt thrown in the mix too so I just left it to chance & the whole ‘you dont regret a baby you do have only the one you dont’ mantra…I just felt not done, not finished but also shit scared of going for number 3. One try just like you & bam pregnant (the prev two took quite the while in the making) & I said if it doesn’t happen straight away we won’t keep trying so obviously he was meant to be in our family…he was in the wings & when he came along he was so perfect & I felt our family was complete! Mind you I spent the first 4 months just like you sick as a dog & in a state of panic – with a gap of 22 months I was shitting myself. But they come out & they just fit in & I could not imagine our family without him.
    It is as it is meant to be….you obviously made the right decision – she is meant to be part of your family & was waiting xxx

  48. There is never a right time to have a baby. But guess what? There is always the right baby!

    I fell pregnant with our surprise four years ago. So with one child finishing grade 12 this year, the other two in high school, I have Louie (three) starting kindy next year.

    And I PHUCKING hate making school lunches. Every other bit of mothering I’m down with. School lunches are the devils work!

    So happy for you and your family of five.

    Someone much wiser than me told me babies choose their parents, not the other way around. ๐Ÿ™‚

  49. Oh Beth, I missed you so much last week but I knew – I JUST KNEW – something special was happening. AND. IT. WAS! I read this post with a huge smile on my face. Love ya, B. x

  50. Beth I had such a similar experience with my Calmbirth course. My daughter was born premmie and it was a traumatic emergency c-section. With my son I started getting contractions and lost my plug at 28 weeks. Those mantras were a godsend for me as closing up pieces from the past and moving forward with strength to embrace the new member of our family.
    Sending you lots of love for having the courage to embrace another darling girl.

  51. Part two part two!!! As a non mum who has almost made peace with the fact that it is not for me I loved hearing about your journey. The ambivalence the worry and the joy. Congratulations on beautiful Maggie and Rob is now truely outnumbered!

  52. Oh Beth. My husband and I haven’t had kids yet (your comments about not the right time is a familiar discussion in this household) but this had me in tears! What a journey to go on and ending with the gorgeous Maggie. Can’t wait to hear part two ๐Ÿ™‚

  53. Maggie is a lucky girl to have landed on planet earth in your family!
    A beautiful story about her coming to be.
    Thanks for sharing, I look forward to the birth story. I love birth stories!

  54. I love birth stories Beth but yours is so much more.. A family’s story… Just wonderful to read this to know that those doubts & overthinking are parts of others’ make up too. we are not alone… But when we are in doubt & in our heads it does feel lonely.
    This is a love story… Yours and Rob’s xxxx

  55. SmittenKitten says:

    It’s it funny how things work out, you popped up as a recommended site as I like Woogsworld. So I clicked like then started reading your recent blog posts. I really connected to your three part birth story. I don’t have any children yet, I really want one but my Husband has asked for a year to get ready, mentally, emotionally, financially, life ready. I live in fear that he will never be ready and I will miss out. I am one of those emotionally charged women at the moment, I felt a jealous rage when Princess Kate announced the birth of her perfect baby, I find myself making smiley faces at strangers babies and yet I wait. Always waiting.

  56. Gosh! We are similar!! I’m pregnant with baby four after umming and ahhing for five years too! And the healing geez I needed to hear that. I’m so terrified of slipping back into that funk I was in during baby two being little. Thank you for your honesty. I may be welling up a little bit let’s put that down to hormones!

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