I didn’t have sex last night

Shocked? You shouldn’t be.

I don’t have sex much. Which sucks if you’re Rob and sucks if you’re me too. And kind of sucks if you are Rob’s Mum or my Mum and you’re reading about your kids sex life on the interwebs. Yes Mum, I am talking about it. It’s OK, people can talk about these things out loud. Well I am at least.

See the thing is I love sex. I love having sex. I love how having sex makes you feel – sure the main game – but more than that – the closeness you feel, the feeling alive, the feeling everything other than the normal, mundane, same same that you feel 99.9% of the time when you are a Mum looking after small people under the age of 5. But, for whatever reason I am completely, totally, 100% not interested in having sex right now. I love my husband. I think he looks hot. I think I am a little overweight at the moment, but when I look at the mirror I don’t vomit, scream and run in the other direction. It’s a little scary, white and scaly sure, but it’s alright. I suppose. I am rested (sort of) I am not working so (should) have more energy than I normally do. I am not pregnant (which usually means I am completely put off sex). I am normal. I feel normal. I’m young. I’m semi attractive right? SO WHY DON’T I WANT TO HAVE SEX?

Here are but some of the explanations justifications I have come up with:

I’ve been thinking about it. A lot. OK, I lament about it, I worry about it, I feel guilty about it, I obsess about what I’m not doing. Which might be the problem right? Building it up buttercup and then adding another thing to my list of things I don’t do very well daily? Mother guilt? Check! Not having enough sex guilt? Check! Bad wife and partner guilt? Check! Sounds about right.

The other thing is the “not bovvered factor”. Which is a huge contributor to the BNHSS (Beth not having sex scenario). You see the end of the day comes, I clean up after dinner, get some time to myself to do important things like check twitter and read blogs and other important stuff like watch Real Housewives of wherever and then I get sleepy and I want to sleep. So I do.

Then there is the whole “let’s not start what we cannot finish scenario”. Which is right up there for me. My children have built in cameras in their rooms that set off alarms the minute I grab my husband’s crotch. Seriously. SERIOUSLY. I cannot count (OK I probably can given my bad track record) the number of times we have started to get some some-some and Daisy calls out, or Harper cries. Every. Single. Fucking. Time. I am now like some kind of stealth submarine when I go down to our bedroom – quietly tip toeing, not making a loud noise brushing my teeth, or coughing, sliding under the doona covers as quiet as mouse – just in case, because there is always “a case”. So sex? No way. NO WAY.

And then there’s the pill. This pill I’m on. I think it has sucked the very will to procreate away from me. Actually, maybe it’s just because I am deep in the trenches of raising small people. But I swear, before going on this pill I used to be slightly more interested in the sugar. I think. No, I’m sure of it. Which kind of defeats the purpose of me going on it in the first place right? To stop me from getting pregnant. NOT HAPPENING to this Virgin Mary.

And of course there is the whole writing a blog post about not having sex when I could have blown my husband two times over in the space it has taken me to write this. There’s that.

But. I thought instead of sitting here beating myself up I would put it all out there, because that’s what I do. And I thought it might make someone else feel a little less like a freak because they don’t feel like having sex. Because as certain as I am that one of my children will wake tonight, I’m certain that this is common for women raising the small people. Maybe? I’m not even looking for suggestions, or advice, or help – I know what I have to do – stop talking the talk, and start walking the walk. Stop beating myself up and just relax. Just get on with it – because once you do get on with it – it’s great and it’s normal and it’s just you guys, how you started off together, back in love all over again and you wonder what the hell the big deal was about in the first place. And then you can be smug for a week because you just had sex, and then you can start the over thinking and the guilt cycle All. Over. Again.

Sometimes it’s exhausting being a female isn’t it?

Comments

  1. God you make me laugh!!!

  2. Entirely exhausting. I don’t even have children and I have no interest atm. My poor husband.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Beth. You are a writer! TOM

  4. And as an aside – if that was the first comment I’ve ever made on your blog, I apologise.

  5. love it. it’s so true though ;)

  6. are you even supposed to have sex post children? who knew, not me.

  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

  8. cookcleanstudy says:

    Thanks for the laugh Beth at 9pm at night when both my husband and I are on our respective laptops and not having sex. You’re right, it is exhausting being female and that’s why we’re not having sex!!!

  9. Awesome post – very brave! Hope the mood returns soon…maybe you need a weekend away without the kids.

  10. Anonymous says:

    I can totally relate to all of this (2 boys 3 1/2 & 2yo)
    & i totally agree that it could have something to do with your pill! i felt the same way! i eventually talked to my hubby about it & decided to stop the pill & just use condoms!!! it’s not like we do “it” very often anyway & at least i have a little urge now :)

  11. Oh I feel you. I have 3 kids, the baby is 7 months and at the end of the day I have had kids draped over me all day and all I want is my own space & not to be touched.

    We have to schedule it in otherwise it is not happening & we are nevertheless interrupted most of the time by the baby who wakes a couple of times a night to breastfeed. I think breastfeeding kills the bedroom shenanigans too.

    I know it gets better but at the moment sleep and space trumps all.

  12. It’s not even 9.15pm and 10 comments. I think we all relate. I can relate parters putting 2 kiddlets under 4 to bed I have cleaned and in bed with iPad. But hey this is life it’s hard it’s not perfect and it is bleeping stressful raising kisd, ru Ning a home, having a productive creating outlet in the 21st century. I will just try to enjoy and listen to the rain outside my windowand the wind howling. Have a nice night!

  13. As unromantic as this sounds, maybe you should schedule your sex. And by that I mean, have your mum look after the kids once a week while you and your hubby get it on. Make it a priority to allow yourself that together time. Even if all you do is lay in bed and cuddle together on these nights and not have sex, you two will still be building your relationship which can only strengthen your family.

  14. I am waiting on Rob to post about how he just missed out on 2, yes 2 blow jobs.

  15. Ooh Jennifer M now when Beth asks her mum to babysit she will know that they are going to have sex…awkward.

  16. Sorry I couldn’t read that, I was busy avoiding having sex.

  17. Oh Snap!

    Not only did I not have sex last night, I am fairly certain I did not have sex last month!!!

    Factor in all of your above mentioned reasons and then add on top my two week period and see what windows of opportunity my poor husband ends up with!!!!!

    Love your honesty :-)

  18. I so don’t want to have sex, what feels like ever again, and it probably will be that way whilst I have my husband tapping me on the should expecting me to ‘put out’ even though I don’t feel like it.
    Yeap somewhere between being young and free and having a family and loads to think about, I just got over it.

  19. Well of course you didn’t have sex last night … it was your BIRTHDAY. My birthday is the one day of the year that Dave KNOWS he’s not allowed to pester me for sex.

    His birthday is the one day of the year where I KNOW that I have to put out.

    Sex schmex. Completely overrated … men tend have certain needs. As long as I’m scraping the barrel by meeting the bare minimum of those needs, everybody’s kind of close to feeling a little bit of happy.

  20. You crawled into my brain and wrote everything I have been feeling. We need to sit and drink and talk about nit having sex. Xx

  21. Swings (preferably of the saucy chandelier variety) and roundabouts, my friend. Swings and roundabouts.

    To be honest, sometimes it’s just one more thing to add to the very long list of things that need to be done. Very long list. x

  22. PS – Whatever you do, please, please, please don’t do that ‘schedule your sex’ thing. Please. x

  23. PPS – What I meant to say was ‘FFS, just go and have sex and stop thinking about it so much. Just get neked already!!!’ x

  24. Hahaha Beth, you are HILARIOUS! xxx

  25. So, so, so true, and you are not alone. My pill has done the same. Sucked my will to screw. But, bootcamp has done wonders for my energy levels and I am resigned to the fact that I actually have to schedule in time for sex. I don’t book it into my husband’s diary, but I kind of think to myself, tonight, tonight and then I think about it all afternoon, maybe grab a shower, get in the mood. Of course the wonders of children mean that I probably follow through two times out of ten but thats more than we would be doing if I didn’t plan ahead.

  26. Anonymous says:

    Sorry to be a pedant (again) but I take umbrage with your choice of title. Surely more apt nomencalture would be “I didn’t have sex last year”.

    Sincerely.

    A. Bouttoexplode.

  27. Hello! Have you been spying on my household?? Sleep is my number 1 fantasy I have at the moment. Sex, although I love it, sometimes just feels like a chore. I hate saying that but its the truth.

  28. Classic Beth! I love it.
    Sex? I remember that. Probably should think about it more considering we will want to have another baby soon… Hmmm…
    I also lost my sex drive from one type of the pill. Completely went. Nada. Zip. Gonski. I recommend switching brands. ;) xx

  29. I remember reading about your holiday in Bali sans kids and thinking ‘Wow, she must be having SO much sex right now!’.

    It’s the kid thing, they wear you down. So all I can summons when my 2 are asleep is some cruisy interwebs time, a book, the weekend’s papers and maybe an episode of Dinner Date (don’t judge). Sex on the menu? Sheesh, too hard! Plus my trackies are comfy.

    And right about now? I’ve moved into old lady territory. And I’m freaking 32. Thirty. Two!

  30. oh amen sister !
    And I don’t even have kids to blame…..
    In a way I think I’m luckier being in an all girl team where cuddling and smooching for an hour doesn’t have to go anywhere…if you know what i mean.
    I truly believe you will find your way back to each other when the time is right (and the kids stay asleep !) until then, stressing about it ain’t going to help.
    Just concentrate on being there for each other and the rest will follow. Expectations leads to dissapointments.
    ok, sermon over, I’m off to bed……(where I’ll be sleeping, nothing more….)

  31. Anonymous says:

    So so so relating to your post!!
    Cheers, Sue

  32. Oh no, ok honey, take it from someone who goes from having a husband around 24/7 & he’s a soldier, say no more, he loves sex all the time, we had 4 babies in 5 years to prove it right, even fertilising every egg i popped out (twins) when really only one would have done . . . then he disappears for 9 months & i don’t even think about sex. He is what makes me feel sexy, not having sex for 9 months kind of makes you pretty willing (no matter how many children).
    Ok, it’s like most things, the more you have the more you want, as in, you just get in the hang of it. Turn the baby monitors off, or lock the door, or stuff ear plugs in, just have sex, the children are not going to die if you leave them, all up, sex often only takes like 5-10 minutes, even fun one-shoe-on sex!! Sex in the shower does the same trick. We have a high schooler & just said to her plain faced “look, we have sex, ok, please knock or it’s going to be awkward” & trust me, they’ll never call out or come into your room if they suspect anything is going on – you have a future!!
    If you have other things to do like blogging or preparing for the next day, have sex first, put your husband to bed, then go finish them. Sex wakes me up & my husband has to get up at 5.30a.m. to run or shoot something, so we have early sex, it’s done, i can complete my evening, he’s happy, i’m not tired, excellent.
    As for the pill, after having our first baby, it made me morning sick, so i stayed off it & watched my cycle, no accidents, it worked for us, but my cycle is like to the hour, i know it, hey, then he had a vasectemy – even had to get a note as he was only 32 but hey, i’ve not worried about pregnancy since, yahoo, love Posie

  33. Yes yes yes yes yes yes and yes. And no that is not me having sex and enjoying it. It is me agreeing with every single word you have said.

    Sex=meh.

  34. Oh man, i just read through the comments, i feel like quite the sex try hard, i like it, i have always found time for it, but i get months off, maybe that is the trick?? My children were sleepers though, they weren’t hanging around when they were little. So i perhaps shouldn’t mention when my husband was home on the weekend we had sex 5 times, i know, rabbits, but keen – it’s one weekend we have together in 2 months!! I have at times offered the line “sure, we can have sex, can you not wake me though” is that wrong, or just motherhood?? Signing off, love Posie

  35. I can totally relate to everything you have written. I like sex but at the end of the day the last thing i feel like is having sex. I need time to myself to wind down etc. Having said that i probably have sex once a week and that is way too much for me. Id be happy with once a month or just at Christmas time & for my partners birthday. So good to know im not alone with this “issue”.

  36. God beth you truly do have an insight into my head, we are too similar, I don’t want to go on and gush about how much I think we have in common because I did that to another blogger and never heard from them again – and I don’t want to scare you off too cause you are too cool.
    But, yes I totally am on the same page about sex, I have 4 kids 5 and under and really it is the absolute last thing that I want to do at the end of the day. Once those little suckers are in bed, then that is my time, and the last place I want to be is in bed too! Jesus christ there just isn’t enough hours in the day and I have just done absolutely everything for 4 other people for the last 13 hours, once they are out of the way I don’t then want to be “looking after” another!! I guess after this conversation with you and my head I will never commit to it being rampant but I will definitely make sure that it is quality over quantity. surely that is a good compromise…

  37. What Eden said. Love your writing Beth! xo

  38. I saw a show on Oprah once about a lady who vowed to have sex with her husband every day for 100 days and then wrote a book about it. So maybe you could do that?

  39. Thank God. I am normal. ;)

  40. beth, I’m still laughing… so normal. but seriously, just go and have sex, it will relieve your stress {and that has to be a good thing} and I’m assuming A. Boutoexplode {Rob!?!} would be ‘relieved’ also. lol. x

  41. Its completely normal. In fact I think it would be boring to be making kove too often. Marriage is about friendship, companionship, working towards common goals, and sex. The wonderful thing about about a strong relationship is that you know sex will always be there when you ready or need it. X

  42. Oh – I thought that was saved for birthdays and anniversaries!

  43. i’d rather read my book ….

  44. I just snuggled up with my gorgeous new knitted cat and didn’t have sex too.

    thanks for sharing. Right there with you on so many of the emotions/motivations :)

  45. I wish there was a button to push that would bring back my libido! It’s the effort of getting started really, once it’s all ‘on’ I’m loving it, but sometimes sleep seems so much less work. Did I just say that?
    Oh and no the scheduled thing doesn’t work for us. A night is the best sleeping tonic there is for us both LOL

  46. Total Agree, It’s very exhausting being a female!
    Fantastic post, for a moment there i thought you were talking about me. hehe :)

    I’ve link your post in mine today!

  47. Please Rob… can you please comment!
    Thank god Im normal!

  48. OMG..i’m normal too..will have to show my hubby this as he thinks he only one who gets none..sex smex!!!(nice cuppa tea wins every time)

  49. My hubby works away so after 4 nights without him it’s like Christmas! Maybe this is why we are having #4 ; )

  50. I read this nodding my head in agreement and am now so thankful that I am in fact not crazy and not alone. Thank you for keeping this place so real and honest. xx

  51. get outta my brain!!!! seriously, I could have written every word on this page. at the moment I don’t care if I ever had sex again. I am sick of talking about it, I am sick of thinking about it, I am sick of feeling guilty about it, I am sick of being made to feel guilty about it. Why oh why did I marry a man 8 years younger than myself with the sex drive of a rabbit colony? And if he goes longer than 7 days without “it” well one would think his head was about to explode. I seriously put it down to the kids though….4 kids in 5 years is enough to put you off EVER WANTING TO PROCREATE AGAIN! Btw, I’ve just found your blog and its fantastic – can’t wait to read more xx

  52. Oh you so know you are not alone.. It is a post kids thing.. We NEVER have sex at night… only ever in the morning, a quickie before a squawk we call it (as in squawk from the kids) or a shag in the shower (whilst planting kids in front of a very compelling DVD)… its always rushed and never what it was and I don’t expect it to be until the kids are much older and we can get rid of them on a weekend.

    If you put it on your chore list for a few weeks as a like twice a week chore it will soon become a routine (one that you actually like..especially when you see the even yummier , helpful hubby that usually results form a regular porking..or is that just mine?!).. I did that post 2nd child and all my girls hated me for saying so but they also hate me for the fact my husby cooks, launders and helps alot…my answer is he gives what he receives!!

    As Maxabella said… go get naked!! xx

  53. Like everything, it can be over analysed and feel like a chore. I realised though that my husband is my number one love in life and therefore our sex life is more important than blogging or tweeting.
    I agree with Posie, be intimate first and if you feel like it, get up and blog later. We also have a no laptop/ipad in the bedroom rule.
    The defining difference between our husbands and other friends is the sex, and the intimacy.The more you do it, the less you stress bout not doing it. It sounds like your hubby works from home a lot. Ideas that work for us with littlies: sex in the shower, morning or night, afternoon sex, with toddlers watching fav dvd. Our kids range from 2 – 12yrs so somethimes I ask my husband to “help me on the computer in the studio”. Lock the door and have fun for five minutes.
    I also take Wyld Woman every day so that I do feel remotely in the mood. My libido is not raging but my love is, and this is an important part of a loving relationship.

  54. You aren’t alone there. We lead busy lives and have to make time for it – otherwise we both don’t feel like it and the problem and cycle gets worse – we try to every week at least once. (I want more but we are living with his parents.)

  55. Oh, I am SO glad that we are not alone on this one. I am the Queen of dodging sex! Quite frankly, I’d rather be sleeping x

  56. Pre-pregnancy, I used to love it. Now, will do anything possible to avoid it. Would much rather read a good book. Or even a bad book.

  57. Anonymous says:

    I was as horny as all hell when pregnant. Then as soon as the babies come out … boom! Nothing! Thank god my husband is still hot for it & makes an effort.

  58. Anonymous says:

    I’m posting this anonymously because i’m not as brave as you. I feel like you read my mind before you wrote this post because I could have written the exact same thing.

  59. oh you are so funny! I’m surprised we have 4 children with the lack of sex that goes on here! I have a 3 month supply of yaz in my kitchen drawer – just haven’t got around to taking it yet so let me know how it goes! everyone is telling me to take it!

    corrie:)

  60. You totally nailed the whole shebang! At least something’s getting nailed, right? ;)

  61. Hi Beth, First comment on your blog and I feel like Im entering a 12 step recovery group lol!
    I can relate to what youre saying, with my husband (now ex-husband) sex was great and regular pre kids. However once they were born it was like a switch had been flicked! I remember feeling so bad about my lack of drive that I went to my gp and said…and I quote…”everywhere I look there this penis”, in my back when I go to bed at night, in my back when I wake in the morning, if he comes into the bathroom when Im showering…everywhere! The more he pressures me the more I DONT WANT SEX!”…end quote
    Well, I was only 24 and quite naive and inexperienced, I didn’t understand his needs, nor mine for that matter. My gp suggested that we didnt have to have full-on sex for his needs to be met…i’ll leave it to your imagination but it involved Mrs Palmer and her 5 daughters. Believe me I felt like an artificial inseminator when they manually…anyways…and I was totally detached! I felt ‘touched out’ at the end of the day and like your other commenters I couldnt cope with anyone else having a ‘need’ of/from me to be filled! Having said that though, once the kids were older things improved and my sex dive came back. Now im in my 40’s my sex drive is amazing…the shoes on theother foot now as I have a partner with a lower sex drive…sheesh…if its not one thing its the other! Oh and I agree with the ‘no scheduling’…it didnt work for me, as the due date lol was nearing my anxiety levels would sky-rocket, then Id be a cranky bitch and suffer from performance anxiety…I couldnt win! good luck with it all and there must be some comfort knowing youre not ‘not normal’! Long live girl power and our ability and desire to connect with others!

  62. This post is total genius and so true!

  63. Oh my. You’ve opened up a can of worms here, haven’t you? What’s on everyone’s lips. But you just said it.

    Well done.

    And I hope there are more of those, er 2s where they came from. xx

  64. Brilliant and honest, love it. Found you via another blog, I think EdenLand – and enjoying your style.

  65. oh man Beth you make me laugh so hard! I’m sitting here trying to giggle silently while my two are asleep. I’m one of those ‘the more you have it the more you want it’ people. And last year when my hubby was away for work all the time I was one of those ‘you want what you can’t have’ people. I thought trying for a baby for 2 years had pretty much killed our sex life but now it seems that the act of doing it without the procreation part may have killed it. Who knows???? Anyway last night we made the effort after about a month of not, so we’ll see what happens tonight or tomorrow?? Maybe the drought is broken :)

  66. thank you so much for writing this. you are hilarious and that so helps in talking about such a topic as this. And you’re right, we don’t talk about it because there can be so much shame surrounding this – and the guilt!! Thank you for starting the conversation and making me feel less alone.

  67. I can’t believe this hasn’t gotten comments galore on it of connection, because let’s face it what you have written is totally the word on the street about mothering young children and sex. I was going to write -making love- but at the end of the day most people have some way to go before they get back to that place after having kids :P Thanks for your honest offering x You’ve got it. Smiles, Pip.

  68. …this is kinda creepy. It’s like you’ve written a bio of my sex life! Haha! Going to share this one with OH to show him what’s the norm ;)

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